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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Boss Mabel." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Summerween" Next: "Bottomless Pit!"
The episode opens with Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Waddles watching Cash Wheel. Mabel and Waddles are eating Chipackerz.
TV Announcer Ladies and gentlemen, we now return to Cash Wheel! Sponsored by Chipackerz, the chip flavored crackers!
Mabel Pines But they taste just like chips! (Eats cracker)
Contestant spins the wheel and lands on "cash shower."
TV Announcer Congratulations! You're taking a...
Stan Pines & TV Announcer Cash shower!
Money starts falling down on the man in the middle. When the other two contestants try to take some money, he slaps and punches them away.
Stan I like that guy's style.
Soos Ramirez Mr. Pines! We got tourists at 9 o'clock! A whole busload of 'em!
A bus pulls up and tourists start to get out.
Stan Hot tamales, it's a jackpot! Soos! Make some new attractions!
Soos You got it, boss! (Glues a wolf head onto a chicken)
Stan Wendy! Mark up those prices! The higher the better!
Wendy Corduroy (Puts a 0 behind a $2 price tag, making it $20)
Stan Higher! Bleed 'em dry!
Wendy (Puts another 0 making it $200)
Dipper Eesh, Grunkle Stan. It's like when you see tourists, all you see are wallets with legs.
Stan That's not true. (Looks out the window and sees a family as wallets with legs)
Wallet Boy Thanks for taking me to the Mystery Shack, daddy!
Wallet Dad Ha ha! Now don't spend yourself all in one place.
Another wallet man comes out of a car.
 Wallet Man I'm feeling carsick... (groans) Blaaaaaaaah! (Vomits pennies)
Stan (To Dipper:) Clean-up on the front lawn!
Dipper (Sighs, picks up a bucket of water and a mop and heads outside)
Cuts to theme song. A boy puts a penny inside a penny press. A small card that says "Thanks for the penny! -Stan" comes out. The boy sighs. Cuts to Stan leading a tour around the Mystery Shack.
Stan Ladies and gentle-tourists! Looking around my Mystery Shack, you will see many wondrous roadside attractions. Be amazed at the only known photo of a horse riding another horse! (Points to a picture of a horse riding another horse, and many tourists take pictures and mutter, interested) That's-That's pretty good! (Tourists take pictures) Be astounded at the horrible, pre-teen wolf boy! (Pulls a curtain revealing Dipper with hair glued to his legs and fake wolf ears and teeth) Oh! Oh, look at him! All that hair! His body's changing, ah!
Dipper (Takes off his fake wolf teeth) Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning.
Stan What? I don't know "de meaning" of that word! (He and the tourists laugh at his joke.) If you throw money at him, he dances.
The tourists cheer and begin to throw money at Dipper, and he makes an attempt to dance. Stan catches money with a jar.
Stan Ha ha ha! Ooh! Thank you!
Cut to Mabel selling bumper stickers in the gift shop.
Mabel Behold! Mystery Shack bumper stickers! You can stick 'em on your bumper, or over your husband's mouth. Am I right, ladies? She knows what I'm talking about!
Woman Oh! You are bad! How much?
Mabel Hey, it's on the house. That's the Mabel difference! Thanks for visiting!
Stan What!? (Appears behind a cardboard cutout of himself) What the heck do you think you're doing?
Mabel Business! Ching ching ching! (Presses buttons on the cash register)
Stan Listen, kid. You don't make money by giving stuff away. You're off of register duty!
Mabel But, but-
Stan No buts except for yours out the door. Now shut your yap and get to work!
Mabel Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to "please" and "thank you"? Hmm? Oh wait. Here they are! (Takes out a bag of stickers and puts two stickers that say "Please" and "Thank you" on Stan's face") Wop wop!
Stan Ugh. "Please" never made me any money, kid. (Puts the "Please" sticker on the back of the cash register) In fact, just saying the word is giving me a burning sensation.
Stan slaps the "Thank you" sticker on Soos' back as he sweeps by. Soon after that, Dipper comes in.
Dipper Grunkle Stan, why do I have to wear this wolf costume? I think I'm getting hookworm.
Stan (Laughs) Yep. Gluing dog hair to your body will do that.
Dipper You've got all these dumb, fake exhibits in the Shack. Meanwhile, I've seen actual, amazing things in the forest every day! What if you hunted down a real attraction instead of lying to people for a living?
Mabel And you should be nicer to your employees, too!
Dipper Yeah! (High fives Mabel)
Stan Look, you guys got a problem with how I run the Shack, take it up with the complaints department. (holds up a trash can.) Zing!
Mabel I am going to write them such a letter! (Starts writing a letter, covering what she's writing with her arm.)
Cuts to Mabel, Dipper, Wendy, and Soos painting the Mystery Shack sign a glittery pink.
Stan And don't stop 'till you've covered that sign with glitter! Glittery signs attract tourists! Also large birds.
A bald eagle attacks Soos and he tries to run away from it.
Stan Ha ha! That's funny.
Dipper Okay, is it just me, or is having Grunkle Stan as a boss seriously the worst?
Wendy I know, right? Why do we even put up with it?
Soos I gave him a suggestion to improve the Shack once. I had this idea where I could be, like, the Mystery Shack mascot: Questiony the Question Mark. I ask people questions, you know. Do the question dance.
Mabel That sounds amazing!
Wendy Oh, cool!
Dipper Yeah, totally!
Soos Yeah, well...Stan said I couldn't handle it.
Mabel He said what?!
Cuts to Stan saying goodbye to the tourists outside of the Shack.
Stan And remember, folks! We put the "fun" in "no refunds!" (Walking back into the Shack) Ha ha. Suckers.
Mabel You!
Stan Ah!
Mabel Grunkle Stan, you've gone too far this time! (Following him into his office) Did you seriously tell Soos not to follow his hopes and dreams because he "couldn't handle it?"
Stan Look, kid, let me break it down for you. Being a boss is about commanding respect. If you give people everything they ask for, they'll walk all over ya.
Mabel No way! I bet you'd make way more money being nice then being a big grumpy grump to everyone all the time.
Stan Ha! You think you know more about business than I do? You think you could wear this hat?
Mabel Yeah! 'Cause I give people respect! And glittery stickers! (Stamps a pink star sticker on her left cheek)
Stan Ha! I'd make more money on vacation then you would, running this place!
Mabel Then why don't you go on vacation?
Stan Interesting...All right, I'm a wagering man. 3 days. 72 hours. (Sets an alarm for 72 hours) You run the Shack, and I'll go on vacation. If you make more money than me, I guess it means you're right about the way I run my business. BUT if you lose, you, uh... (writes "LOSER" in marker on a white T-shirt) You have to wear this "LOSER" shirt all summer!
Mabel Fine. But if I win I get to be the boss for the rest of the summer! Plus, you gotta sing an apology song with lyrics by me! Mabel.
Stan Whoa ho! You got yourself a deal, missy!
Mabel No, you got yourself a deal!
Stan Deal!
Mabel Deal!
Stan (Slams his fist on the desk) Deal!
Mabel (Slams her fist on the desk) Deal!
Mabel (Stamps a pink heart sticker on Stan's nose) Deal...
Cut to Stan loading things onto the trunk of the Stanmobile.
Stan See you in 72 hours! We'll see who makes more money. (Throws his fez on Mabel's head and drives away, laughing)
Dipper (Comes out) Did you just make a bet with a professional con man?
Mabel Oh, come on. Being a better boss than Stan will be a cinch. Profit, here we come! (Holds up a jar, then drops it and it breaks)
Dipper You broke the jar.
Mabel (Interrupting:) We'll get a new one.
Dipper I guess I shouldn't be too worried. I mean, how much money could Stan even make on vacation?
Cuts to a man writing on a clipboard.
Man Can I help you, sir?
Stan I'm here to take all the cash from your wheel. (Camera zooms out showing that Stan is at Cash Wheel)
Cuts to Soos, Dipper, and Wendy coming into Stan's office.
Soos You wanted to see us, Mr. Pines?
Mabel (Turns around in chair and scoots toward them) Stan is no longer with us.
Soos He's dead? No! It should have been me!
Mabel Whoa, Soos! Stan's not dead! He's on vacation for 3 days. We made a bet.
Soos Thank you for that clarification.
Mabel Mabel's in charge now!
Dipper Are those... shoulder pads?
Mabel Uh huuuuuuh! (shakes shoulder pads up and down) It's just one of the up-to-date managerial tricks I learned from this book I found propping up the kitchen table.
(Holds up Succeeding In Management 1983; Drinks out of a mug that says "#2 boss")
Dipper Why does your mug say "#2"?
Mabel Because the real #1... is you! (holds a mirror up to them)
Dipper, Soos and Wendy (laugh, pleased)
Soos Morale!
Mabel Walk with me. With me as boss you're gonna notice a few changes around here. My job is to help you be your best "SELVES." Satisfied, Everyday, Loving Life, Very Much, Everyday, Satisfied. Great listening ears so far! (Stamps a thumbs up sticker on each of them) Waddles, hold my calls!
Waddles grabs the phone with his mouth. Mabel, Dipper, Wendy and Soos arrive at the gift shop, and Mabel pulls up a chair.
Mabel Alright, people, now rap with me. Wendy, how can I make your work space more Wendy-friendly?
Wendy Hmm, well, Stan never lets me hang out with friends at work.
Mabel Stan ain't here, sister! Door's open!
Wendy Sweet!
Mabel And Soos, I believe this is yours. (Pulls out a Questiony the Question Mark costume from a cabinet)
Soos Questiony the Question Mark!? I wish this was an exclamation point to show how excited I am!
Mabel As for you Dipper... (Holds up Dipper's wolf costume and tosses it in a shredder) Die, wolf costume, die! I want you to head into the woods, and don't come back until you found an amazing attraction!
Dipper Finally! It's time to show Stan how a REAL mystery hunter does it! (Runs off, grabs a flail and opens the window) Dipper out! (The flail's weight causes him to fall of the window)
Mabel Okay, guys! It's time to prove that nice bosses finish first. In the next forty-eight hours, we're gonna fill this jar with six hundred billion dollars! (Draws a line on the jar)
Soos and Mabel Yeah! (they high five)
Wendy Wait. Do you know how money works?
Mabel Of course. Waddles, run down to the shop and grab me a latte. (gives Waddles a bill and he eats it) Whoa! (gives him another bill and he eats it again) He's a hungry little guy.
Cuts to Stan in a line for an audition for Cash Wheel.
Stan Ugh! This line is taking forever! Time to use my old man powers...AH! I'm having a heart attack! And the only cure is to be a contestant on... on Cash Wheel! Aaugh! Someone give me a part! I'm old!
Several people go over to Stan and try to call people to help.
Clipboard Man Should we escort him off the lot?
Cash Wheel Man That man is a self-centered attention hog, with no regard for human decency. (Pause) Get him on T.V!
Singer (Over a montage of Mabel giving herself a thumbs up in the mirror, letting sunlight in the room, drinking a milkshake, looking at a profit graph that is going down and making a smiley face out of it)

Whoa, yeah!

Come on, girls!

Shoulder pads!

Make that money!

Mabel's the boss now!

Walk in, girls!

Show them boys!

Make that money!

Ooooooo, ooooooo, oooo, oooo, ooooo, ooooooooo!

Mabel (to Wendy:) Top marks! (to Soos:) Top marks! (to a squirrel, which runs away:) Top marks! (spinning around in her chair) Boss boss boss boss boss! (Later, Mabel puts up a poster of an Eagle and underneath it are the words "Leadership." However, Mabel has taped a picture of her face on top of the eagle's) It's beautiful...
Tourists are seen exiting and dropping money into Mabel's jar.
Mabel Thank you! Ha ha! See you soon! Tell 'em Mabel sent you! (Looks happily at the money in the jar)
Dipper (Comes up with a large moving bag) Mabel! I captured something! This is gonna blow those tourists away! Ha ha! (The creature inside the bag grabs Dipper's arm, and Dipper punches it repeatably, and the creature lets go.)
Mabel Marvelous work, valued employee! (gasps) Who's that? Is it Questiony the Question Mark?
Soos Uh, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this, Mabel. I keep forgetting my lines. And this costume is more um... (steps out from behind the porta-potty, showing he only has his foam Question mark and underwear on) revealing than I expected?
Mabel Soos, don't give up. Anything is possible when you...(flips through "Succeeding in Management 1983") imaginize it!
Soos But I don't know what that means.
Mabel Ssh. (puts finger to Soos' lips) Ssshssssshshsshsssh. (rubs finger around Soos' face) Believe in yourself...(walks away)
Soos Bu-but I...! So-so cold...
Mabel (Enters The Mystery Shack) How's my favorite Wendy?
A can of soda falls on the ground, and Mabel looks up to see Lee, Nate, Tambry, Thompson, and Wendy wrecking the gift shop while kicking around a shrunken head
Wendy Keep it going!
Billy (Holding up a box) Oh, what's this? (gets hit in the face with the shrunken head and cries)
Billy's Mom Billy! Your face, it's ruined!
Mabel I'm so sorry. Please, have a refund. (Gives money)
Billy's Mom (Takes more money out of the jar and leaves with Billy)
Mabel Wendy, you got a lot of cleaning up to do. Pleeeaaase. (Pokes the "please" sticker on the cash register)
Wendy Whoa, all this rule stuff's starting to make you sound like Stan.
Mabel What?! No! I'm nothing like Stan! In fact, (nervously:) take the rest of the day off?
Wendy With full pay?
Mabel (Nervously) Of course. (Shifts her suit around and laughs nervously, while Wendy gives a "thumbs up" and leaves)
Mabel Mabel Pines, you are the best boss ever. (Mabel pats herself)
Soos (To a woman in the background:) I'M QUESTIONY THE QUESTION MARK!
Woman (Screams and sprays him with pepper spray)
Soos Aw dude, it stings so bad!
Cuts to Cash Wheel.
Rich Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to CASH WHEEL!
The cash wheel logo appears on the screen.
Rich Now, let's meet those contestants.
Doug (As his name appears on the screen) I'm Doug from Fairfield, California.
Donna (As her name appears on the screen) I'm Donna from-
Stan I'M STAN, STAN PINES! HA HA! (As his name appears on the screen) Did we- did we already do me? Hello, I'm Stan.
Rich Ha ha ha, okay, It's going to be a long night, folks.
Cash Wheel Audience (Laughs)
Rich It's time to solve-
Stan (laughs)
Cash Wheel host It's uh, time to solve that puzzle! Carla!
Carla Yes, Rich?
Stan Are there any "s"es?
Rich Actually, it's not your turn yet.
Two "S"es appear on the first slot and the last slot of the Cash Wheel board.
Stan I'm ready to solve!
Rich No, the game hasn't started-
Stan Is it "shut your yaps"?
The answer appears on the board. The audience claps.
Rich Well played.
Stan (Spins the wheel) Cash shower, cash shower, cash shower! (The wheel lands on Cash shower)
Rich Cash shower!
Stan Yes! Doodle do...(Starts to undress)
Host Mr. Pines? No! You don't need to take your clothes off! Nope! (Goes in front of camera) Go to commercial! Go to commercial!
Cuts to the Mystery Shack.
Dipper Ladies and Gentlemen! My name's Honest Dipper, and unlike my cheating uncle, I have something to show you that isn't a hoax! It nearly killed me getting him into that cage, behold, part gremlin, part goblin, the Gremloblin! (Takes the cover off the cage)
Gremloblin (Growling and pulling on the cage bars; Roars more and spits out a human skeleton arm)
Man Well that's fun.
Woman It's fake, honey. You can see the strings.
Dipper What!? Those aren't strings, that's body hair!
Woman Oh, look at this dear. The Six-packalope. 
Man (laughs) Wordplay! (takes a picture)
Dipper No, everything else here is fake. (pulls the couple back over to the cage) This is a real paranormal beast. Hey, fun fact about this little guy, if you look into his eyes, you can see your worst nightmare.
Man and Woman (Look into the Gremloblin's eyes)
Dipper Amazing, right? I work for tips.
Ambulance comes to take the scarred couple away.
Dipper Thanks again for visiting! (sighs)
Mabel (helping customers) Thanks for shopping with us! (As kids knock over a stand) I'll get that! Here you go. (flattens a dollar that someone was trying to put in the vending machine) Sorry. Have a refund. (Takes money from customers and hands all the items to the customer in front) That's the Mabel difference....(sighs)
Dipper Well, I just made two people go insane. How about you?
Mabel I'm so tired. I gave Wendy the day off so I had to do her job.
Dipper Well, maybe you need to start being a little bit tougher around here.
Mabel No way, that's what Stan would do! I just need to think positive, be friendly, and everything will work out fine.
Gremloblin roars and breaks through the wall. Tourists scream and run out of the shack.
Dipper What? How did he get out of his locked cage!?
Mabel (Looks guilty) Well...
Flashback to Gremloblin in the cage, looking up at a key Mabel taped on the ceiling for his "5 min break"
Dipper YOU GAVE HIM A BREAK?!
Mabel He's an employee...sort of.
Dipper We've got to round him up. Where's Soos?
Mabel He was stressed out so I told him to take a soothing nature walk.
Soos (outside somewhere in the woods) Hello? Civilization? (Thunder booms and a wolf howls) Doggy?
Cut back to the shack. Dipper and Mabel see a television playing "Cash Wheel."
Rich Ladies and Gentlemen, Stan Pines is poised to become our grand champion! Anything to say to your fans out there? 
Stan See you tomorrow night, Mabel! (Holds up the "Loser" shirt)
Gremloblin roars and throws a Mayan calendar inches away from where Dipper and Mabel are. Mabel and Dipper run past and hide in the living room. The Gremloblin starts putting stickers on his face.
Mabel What do we do? He's awarding himself stickers that he didn't even earn!
Dipper (opens 3) Uh, got it! When fighting a gremloblin, use water...
Mabel (Splashes a cup of water in the creature's face and he roars)
Dipper (turns page) ...only as a last resort as water will make him much much scarier! AH! Who writes sentences like that!?
Gremloblin roars and grows spines. Cuckoo Clock chimes and he breathes fire on it.
Dipper Don't worry, he's gotta leave eventually!
(much later)
Singin' Salmon I'm the singin' salmon spendin' all day jammin'. (Gremloblin presses the button again) I'm the singin' salmon spendin' all day jammin.' (Gremloblin presses the button and the fish repeats it again)
Mabel Ughh, why doesn't he just leave?
Gremloblin (Sniffs the money jar and starts eating the money)
Mabel Our profits! (runs over to the monster)
Dipper Mabel, wait!
Mabel Stop, stop!
(Gremloblin looks at her and grabs her. Mabel screams)
Dipper Don't look into his evil eye; you'll see your worst nightmare!
Mabel I wish we had an evil eye to show him! (looks into the Gremloblin's eye) Oh no! Ahh...
Dipper Wait. Hey, monster! Take a look at this! (Shows the Gremloblin a mirror)
Gremloblin (imagines himself looking in a mirror wearing glasses; in the nightmare:) You've become your father. (In real life, screams, breaks through the wall and runs away)
Dipper Well at least he didn't do that much damage.
Gremloblin (Grows wings and flies away, breaking the totem pole and setting off a car alarm)
Dipper Oh boy.
Mabel Dipper, it's the third day! We've only got 7 hours to earn back our profits, or I've got to wear that loser shirt all summer!
Wendy (Walks over with Soos) Hey guys! Am I nuts, or does this place look different?
Mabel Wendy, Soos! Am I glad to see you. We've got a lot of work to do but if we hurry, we can still beat Stan!
Wendy Uh, yeah. I've got a little headache, so maybe I should like, not work today.
Soos And I actually just met this pack of wolves, and I think they're gonna like, raise me as one of their own, so I should really be at the den right now.
Mabel But-but...
Wendy But hey, see ya on Monday.
Soos (Pointing to popsicles on the ground) Uh, BT dubs, is anyone gonna eat these?
Mabel (Twitches angrily, breaking the pen in her hand) ENOUGH! I have HAD IT! I fought a monster to save this business, and this is how you repay me?! I'm gonna get an ulcer from your lollygagging!
Wendy Lollygagging?
Soos Ulcer? You're acting... different.
Mabel You shut your yaps! I've been doing everyone's job while you bums have been bleeding me dry!
Wendy But I-
Mabel No buts except yours on the floor cleaning! Now quit loafing and get to work!
Wendy Yes, Mabel.
Mabel That's yes, BOSS! (Slams her hand on the counter and Stan's fez falls and lands on her head. She looks in the mirror and gasps) Dipper, what have I become?
Dipper What you had to, Mabel. What you had to.
Mabel We've got seven hours to turn this around! Let's go, people! (holds up money jar)
(Cut to Cash Wheel. The wheel lands on "Cash flood.")
Rich You landed on Cash Flood!
Stan (Gets covered in money) I'm givin' none of this to charity!
Rich And now you can go home a thousandaire! Or you could risk everything to double your money with the bonus word!
Stan Rich, I'm a simple man. So I'm gonna take my winnings, pack my bags, and BET THEM ALL ON THE BONUS WORD! Come on! (people cheer)
Cut to the shack. A crane is repairing the totem pole.
Mabel (yelling into a megaphone:) Time is money, hard hat! You got complaints, file them with the complaint department! (holds up a trash can) Ughh, my back. (tour bus pulls up) Dipper, we've got tourists at 9 o'clock!
Dipper But what do I show them? Real magic just freaks people out.
Mabel Figure something out, knucklehead!
Cut to Dipper back inside the shack, wearing a tuxedo with an eye patch, giving the tourists a tour.
Dipper Ladies and gentle-tourists! This shack is filled with wonders, NEVER before seen by human eyes! Behold, the horrible giant question baby! (Directs their attention to Soos dressed in his Questiony the Question mark outfit)
Soos Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions.
The tourists gasp.
Dipper Have your picture taken with it for a buck. Uh, ten bucks. (Adds a zero after the 1) A hundred bucks! Adds another after the other 0)
Cut to the tourists leaving happy.
Dipper We put the fun in no refunds! (Goes back into the shack) How'd we do?
Mabel We filled the whole jar! (Everyone cheers)
Dipper Minus the money to replace all the furniture. And supplies to fix the shack, that leaves us... (Puts all this into a calculator, which prints out some paper)
Mabel One dollar.
Stan (Enters with a clock buzzing) Tick-tock! Time's up, kids!
Mabel Oh, no!
Stan (To Dipper:) Nice to see you learned how to dress while I was gone.
Mabel How much did you beat us by?
Stan I won $300,000! And then...
Flashback to the Cash Wheel.
Rich For a chance to double your cash or lose it all, what is the six-letter word you use to ask for something politely? For example, "May I blank have that?"
Stan Do I look like an idiot, folks? The word is "gimmee." Two E's.
Rich Oooh! You know, because you've gone this far, we're gonna give you one more chance. Let's try again. It's a "P" word. Some might even say it's the "magic word."
Stan Pabracadabra! Final answer!
Rich I'm sorry, Stan, but the word is...
Cut back to the present.
Mabel Please?
Stan Apparently that word can make you money.
Dipper So, wait. If you lost everything, then that means...Mabel! You won!
Dipper, Mabel, Soos and Wendy We did it!
Soos Wait. What did we win again?
Stan Well, according to our bet, I guess Mabel's the new boss?
Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos No! No! Don't do that!
Stan Huh? What?
Mabel Grunkle Stan, I had no idea how hard it was being boss. This place was cuckoo bananas until I started barking orders at people like you. (Hands him his fez)
Stan Yeah, well, I got to admit, It's kind of nice to be back, ya know? Okay, okay, that's enough, get offa me! And Soos, Wendy; get to work! Ahem. Please. Uhh! Still hurts.
Dipper Mabel, didn't your agreement say something about Stan having to do some kind of apology dance if he lost?
Stan N-no. No, it didn't.
Mabel Actually, yeah, I think I have it in my notes here.
Stan No! That never happened!
Wendy Ha ha! I'll get the camera!
Stan All right, let me just... (Runs away)
Mabel Grunkle Stan!!
Cuts to credits. A camera is filming Stan, who is dressed in a sparkly orange suit.
Stan Uh, look, I'm not gonna...
Mabel Do it!
Stan "I'm Stan, and I was wrong,

I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song,

I shouldn't have taken that chance,

Now here's my remorseful dance."

Mabel Do the kicks! (As Stan kicks) Jazzier!
Stan (His fez falls off; to Gompers, who tries to eat it:) Hey, gimme that! Ow! My back!
Mabel (To Waddles:) What do you think?
Waddles Oink!
Mabel Take thirty!
End

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