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The episode opens with Stan Pines driving the Mystery Cart and stopping at the bottomless pit.
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Stan Pines
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In this land of ours, there are many great pits. But none more bottomless than the bottomless pit. Which, as you can see here, is bottomless.
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Soos Ramirez
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Question. Is it bottomless?
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Stan
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(Sighs) Kids, can one of you try explaining this to Soos?
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Dipper Pines
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Grunkle Stan, why are we here again?
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Stan
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To dispose of things that we don't want. So long, Mystery Shack suggestion cards! (Throws some cards down into the pit)
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Mabel Pines
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Goodbye, creepy love letters from Li'l Gideon! (Throws letters and gifts away) Die! Die!
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Soos
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(Takes off his shoes and throws them in the pit)
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Dipper
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What are you doing?
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Soos
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Throwing stuff, dude. Everyone's doin' it. (Grabs and throws a barbecue grill down the pit)
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Mabel
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(Pushing a large chained box toward the pit)
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Stan
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What you got there, Mabel?
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Mabel
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Oh, it's just my personal box of mysterious secrets. Nothing worth wondering about. (Giggles and pushes the box down the pit) Goodbye forever!
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Dipper
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Grunkle Stan, do I really have to be the one to point out that a bottomless pit is, by definition, impossible?
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Stan
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(Shaking cards out of his fez down the pit) Says you!
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Mabel
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(Shrugs to Dipper) Well, I guess we'll never know.
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Shortly after, a strong gust of wind immediately starts blowing past Soos, Mabel and Dipper. They see a storm of dark clouds towering above the Shack and darkens the landscape below.
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Soos
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Aah! It's some sort of invisible pushing force!
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Dipper
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Quick! Everyone back to the shack! (Runs toward the house)
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Stan
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I'm not done getting rid of these yet! (Tries throwing more cards into the bottomless pit but the wind blows them into his face)
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Mabel
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Grunkle Stan! No!
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Stan
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(While everyone pulls him away from the pit) Almost... Almost... Almost!
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All
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(Fall into the pit; scream)
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Gompers
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(Bleats)
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Cut to theme song
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Mabel
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(Screams)
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Dipper
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(Screams)
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Stan
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(Screams)
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Soos
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(Screams)
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Everyone stops screaming at once as they free-fall in the darkness. Soos starts talking after a short pause.
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Soos
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So, anyone want to scream some more?
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Dipper
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Where are we?
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Mabel
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(Snaps a green glowstick) We're somewhere where it looks like we're nowhere. (Hangs the glowstick on her arm and giggles)
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Dipper
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We're gonna land on something eventually. Could be any second now!
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Everyone braces for a landing but nothing happens.
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Stan
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Well... it looks like we're down here for the long haul. Who wants to see some card tricks? (Takes out cards, which fly up and away) Ta-da!
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Mabel
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(Clapping)
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Soos
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Hey, maybe we should pass the time by telling stories.
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Dipper
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I've got a story. It's called the time Grunkle Stan got us all thrown into a bottomless pit where we spent the rest of our NATURAL LIVES!
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Soos
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(Pauses, intrigued) Go on...
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Mabel
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Come on, Dipper, you can do better than that.
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Dipper
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Fine. (Takes the glow stick) I'll tell you a story. A story I'd like to call... "Voice Over." (Title card appears; Mabel, Wendy, Soos are on the lawn with Waddles.)
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Mabel
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Ready?
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Mabel, Wendy Corduroy, and Soos
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Spin the Pig! (Spin Waddles until he stops, pointing at Stan)
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Mabel
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Hey! Grunkle Stan. Ever kissed a pig before?
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Stan
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I'm not gonna answer that question. (Goes back to reading Gravity Falls Gossiper)
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Dipper
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(Runs up) Guys! I think I just got bit by a snake! I need you to get me to a hospital qui-i-ick!
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Stan
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(Laughing hysterically)
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Dipper
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What? What's so funny?
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Stan
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Sorry. It's just hard to focus on what you're saying with that squeaky puberty voice you got there.
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Dipper
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My what?
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Mabel
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It's nothing to be ashamed of, Dipper. Your voice is (Imitating Dipper:) hillaaarrious!
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Dipper
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Are you saying my voice cracks? My voice doesn't crack!
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Soos
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Dude, no offense, but it cracks so much we've already made a techno remix out of it. (Plays the tape)
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Remix
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(Dipper's voice:) Nice to meet you
My name's Dipper Pines, P-P-Pines, Pines, Pines
Nice to meet you
P-P-Pines, Pines, Pines
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Dipper
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(His cheeks blush, embarrassed) Do I really sound like that?
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Wendy
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Oh, here comes my favorite part!
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Remix
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Stop it, gu-u-y-y-y-s!
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Mabel, Stan, Soos and Wendy
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(Laugh)
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Dipper
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Give me that! (Grabs the cassette player from Soos and leaves)
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Mabel, Soos and Wendy
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Spin the Pig!
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Dipper walks along a sidewalk, mildly embittered.
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Dipper
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(Sighs) Ugh! Even my sigh sounds weird.
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Old Man McGucket
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(Pops out of a hole) Hello there!
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Dipper
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(Screams)
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McGucket
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I couldn't help but overhear yer sitchy-ation! Old Man McGucket! (spits on his hand) Part-time inventor!
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Dipper
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Why do you spit on your hand?
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McGucket
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(Wipes spit on his beard) I don't rightly know!
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Dipper
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Hey, I remember you! Your robot almost killed me!
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McGucket
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(Pulls Dipper into an alley) Come here! Follow me into this dark and dangerous alley! (Pouring a potion into a cup) Lately, I've been tickerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account o' my (screaming:) Horrrrifyin' voice!
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Kid
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(Cries and runs away)
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McGucket
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You can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares!
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Dipper
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This will really fix my voice? Thanks! (Drinks it and leaves)
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McGucket
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Come mornin', you'll sound like a new man! ...If you survive.
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Dipper
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(Cut to him waking up in the morning, yawns, with deeper voice:) Good morning, Dipper. I did it! I diiid it! Now I have a neeew voice! Ha ha ha! (Runs to Mabel's bed) Morning Mabel. Who's my favorite Mabel?
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Mabel
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(Screams; hits Dipper with a golf club) Who are you?! What have you done with my brother!? Dipper! I'll save you from this body switching warlock!
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Dipper
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Mabel, it's me. This is my voice now. I sound awesome. Soouund aaawesome.
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Mabel
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I know boys' voices change, but this is weird. Weird and bad.
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Dipper
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Mabel, this is the best thing that ever happened to me. And just think of the prank calls. (Dials a number)
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Tats
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(Over phone:) Hello?
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Dipper
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Hello, this is the President of the United States of America. I am calling to tell you... (makes raspberry noises)
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Tats
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(Over phone:) What? Who is this?!
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Dipper
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(Hangs up and laughs) Ho-ho-ho! Magnificent!
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Mabel
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(Turns away from Dipper) Mabel no like.
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Dipper
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(Walks up to Soos in the gift shop) How are you diddly-doing, Soos?
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Soos
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(Grabs a broom and hits Dipper) Kill it! Kill it with fire! Everyone flee!
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Dipper
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What gives, man? You guys all made fun of my old voice. I thought you'd like the new one.
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Soos
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Well, at least before you sounded like a real person. Now you sound like some kind of weird commercial dude.
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Dipper
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I'll find Stan. He'll like my new voice. You'll see! I'll be right back after these messages! Er... I mean... goodbye. (Goes outside and downtown) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Where are you, Grunkle Stan? (Walks by Skull Fracture)
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Tats
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Huh? I know that voice anywhere! You're that guy that prank-called me earlier! (Growls viciously at Dipper)
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Dipper
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No! No, I'm not. I'm just a 12 year old boy.
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Tats
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You expect me to believe that, you crazy-voiced punk?!
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Dipper
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Wait! No! (Screams and runs away)
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Tats
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(Walks into a bar) There's a prank caller on the loose! Let's get him!
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Dipper
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(Everyone in the bar running after him; Jumps into a hole) Escaaape! (Runs to where Old Man McGucket is) McGucket! Your invention was a catastrophe!
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McGucket
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That's probably why I live in a dump! (Dances)
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Dipper
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My own sister didn't recognize me. I scared away crowds. (Sobs) I even sound ridiculous when I cry.
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McGucket
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Well, now. Here's your problem. I gave you the wrong drinky-majig! This one's for voice-over professional. I'm sure I got a better voice in here somewhere. (Digs through car trunk)
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Dipper
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Good! Hurry up!
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McGucket
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You got here just in time. Come sundown, you'd have reverted back to your ridiculous old voice.
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Dipper
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It was ridiculous, wasn't it? (Plays the tape)
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Remix
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(Dipper's voice:) D-D-Dipper Pines
That's me! (Mabel's voice:) This remix is dedicated to my brother. Dipper, your voice is one of a kind. (Soos' voice:) Dude, I've never heard anything like it. R-r-remix over! (Soos makes explosion noise)
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McGucket
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You ready for yer new voice? This one should be permanent! (gives Dipper a new potion)
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Dipper
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(Looks back and forth between the vial and the tape; holds vial up to his mouth about to drink it, scene cuts to the Shack; in normal voice:) Hey guys.
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Mabel
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Dipper!
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Soos
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Dude, you're back!
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Dipper
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I guess I realized that even though my voice may not be perfect, it's still mine, and I wouldn't change it for anything. Not even for whatever was in this new vial.
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Mabel
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So, what did you do with the rest of that potion?
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Dipper
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I dumped it in Stan's coffee.
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Stan
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(Walks in; in a female voice:) Any of you kids seen mah girdle? Where mah girdle at?
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Dipper, Mabel, and Soos
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(Laugh)
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Stan
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What? What's so funny? I'm Grunkle Stay-an! Kids laughin'. Laughin' at their Grunkle.
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Cuts back to real time
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Mabel
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I spy with my little eye something that is... Black!
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Soos
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Ooh, ooh! Everything!
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Mabel
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Yay for Soos! (Claps)
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Soos
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Yay for Soos!
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Mabel
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Hey guys, who wants to pass the time by spinning? Everyone spin!
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Dipper
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No.
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Mabel
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(Spinning Dipper) Wheeee!
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Dipper
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Woooaah!
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Soos
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(Chuckling)
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Mabel
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(Running on top of Dipper) Wheeee!
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Dipper
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Ow, ow, ow, ow.
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Stan
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Dipper's pain is funny, but I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story.
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Soos
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Really? Okay. (Dipper screams as he spins and floats at background) This story is called "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story"! Is that a good title? Does it have to be a pun or whatever? (Title card appears. Cut to Soos, Dipper, and Mabel in the pinball room. Soos is playing pinball.)
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Dipper and Mabel
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Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
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Soos
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This is it, dudes. After four long years of trying, I might finally get a high score on Stan's creepy old pinball machine. If I do this, I'll go down in pinball history, with the likes of Sal, Gaff, and of course, Poo.
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Dipper
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Have you ever tried maybe tilting the machine?
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Soos
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I don't know, dudes, isn't breaking the rules like, against the rules?
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Mabel
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Nuts to the rules! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!
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Soos
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(Loses)
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Pinball Machine
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Failure! You stink!
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Soos
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All right, that's it! Are you ready, kids?
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Mabel and Dipper
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(Tilting the machine) Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!
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Pinball Machine
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Quit tiltin', partner. Quit tiltin'!
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Soos
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Tilt! (tilts the ball into the goal)
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Pinball Machine
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Bulls-eye! New high score!
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Mabel, Dipper and Soos
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(Cheering)
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Soos
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This is the best moment of my life. This totally beats my old best moment. (Flashback to Soos pressing the eject button on a VHS player and a piece of pizza comes out. Soos picks up the pizza and prepares to eat it. Cut back to the present.)
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Pinball Machine
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That ain't right. You cheated.
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Mabel
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Oh, yeah. What are you gonna do about it? You're just a Pinball game, Pinball game. Taunt, taunt.
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Dipper
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Uh, guys, there's an awful lot of green lightning coming out of that game.
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Soos
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No, that's the normal amount of green lightning.
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Lightning strikes them. Cut to Soos wearing cowboy clothes in the pinball game.
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Soos
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(Lying down and hitting a buzzer) Uh, 5 more minutes. (gets up) Ah! That's not a normal alarm clock.
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Dipper
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(Runs up with Mabel; they are also wearing old west themed clothes) Soos! We're inside the game! Crazy!
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Mabel
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Sweet Moses!
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Soos
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Hushed exclamation of wonder!
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Dipper
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Awesome!
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Mabel
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(Jumping around on the buzzers) Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing!
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Soos
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Dude, if this is a dream, I never want to wake up!
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Pinball Machine
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That can be arranged. Welcome to Tumbleweed Terror, partners.
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Soos
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Hey, it's the skeleton cowboy guy. Did you zap me into your game to congratulate me on getting the high score? I beat Poo, dude!
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Pinball Machine
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Hardly. If'n I do recall, I warned y'all not to cheat. I tried to be gentleman-like, but I'm plum sick of being tilted. So, now I reckon, I'm gonna tilt you.
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Soos
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Well, take this! (Hits a button but hits himself in the eye) Ow! And this! (Punches himself again) Ow! It hurts. I wish this was working better. And this! Aw, dude! (Knocks himself out)
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Mabel and Dipper
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Soos!
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Pinball Machine
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(Laughs) Get yourselves ready for the...
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Dipper
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Multi-Ball!
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Soos
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Multi-Ball!
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Mabel
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Multi-Ball!
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Pinball Machine
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Ha ha ha ha ha!
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Dipper
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Over there!
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Dipper, Mabel, and Soos run behind a wall.
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Pinball Machine
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Where are you? I'm not done teachin' you a lesson about cheating yet!
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Dipper
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How are we gonna get out of here? Think, guys.
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Soos
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I'm trying. But it's hard with that gorgeous pinball wench distracting me. (Waves at a cutout of a woman) Okay. Don't worry, guys, I know every inch of this machine. There's a manual power switch inside. I can sneak in there and turn off the game. But we'll have to distract the cowboy guy. Are either of you good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises?
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Mabel
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(Hair blowing in wind) My time has come.
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Dipper
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Alright, let's go, Soos. Soos?
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Soos
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(To the pinball wench:) So are you, like, doing anything later?
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Dipper
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(Spins the wench)
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Soos
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Oh, right.
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Pinball Machine
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Come on out and show yourselves, varmints.
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Mabel
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(Jumps up on a buzzer) Hey! Hey! Hey! Look at me and listen to what I'm doing! BUZZZZZZ! DISTRACTION! DISTRACTION! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!
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Dipper
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(Sings)
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Pinball Machine
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Something ain't right here. Let me see where this is going.
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Soos
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(Gets in a cart, rolls down behind the pinball machine)
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Pinball Machine
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Ha ha ha ha. Yippy ti yi what? Where are ya? (Tries to turn) Darn it, I wish I had a neck.
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Dipper
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Soos, pssssst. What's going on? Just press the switch already!
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Soos
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Okay, so I was gonna do that, but I've been thinking. According to this, turning off the power erases the high score permanently. That score is like my one big life accomplishment.
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Dipper
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What? If you don't hurry up, we could die in here!
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Soos
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Fair point. But, what is life anyway when compared to the immortality of a high score?
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Dipper
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Soos, are you out of your--?!
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Pinball Machine
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There y'all are. Get ready to meet your maker, kids! My maker is Ballway Games in Redmond, Washington. (inhales)
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Dipper and Mabel
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(Being sucked toward the cowboy skull) Woooooaah!
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Dipper
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Soos!
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Mabel
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Soos, please!
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Dipper
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Turn it off!
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Soos
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Uhhh Uhh. Goodbye, high score. (Pushes the button and the pinball game turns off. He and the twins wake up outside of the game) Woah! You dudes okay?
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Mabel
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Yes! You did it! You freed us!
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Dipper
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Hey man, I'm sorry you had to lose your high score.
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Soos
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That's okay. I've got a new life accomplishment now. Saving you dudes.
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Dipper and Mabel
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Awwwww.
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Soos
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You think that pinball wench will call me?
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Cut back to the present.
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Stan
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I can't believe this nonsense! Magic tonics? Soos winning at something? Where do you come up with this stuff? I'll tell you a good story. It's called "Grunkle Stan wins the football bowl". (Cut to a football stadium. Stan makes a touchdown and dances.)
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Football player
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Mr. Pines! I thought old folks were useless, but you taught me and my gloating friends a lesson.
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Beautiful Woman
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(Arriving on a gigantic trophy) Here's your football winning trophy, Mr. Pines.
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Stan
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Thanks, beautiful woman. But I couldn't have done it without my sidekick, Footbot.
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Footbot
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Thank you for building me, Daddy!
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Stan and football players laugh as fireworks go off.
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Footbot
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I love you, Stan.
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Cut back to the present.
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Soos, Dipper and Mabel
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Boooooo!
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Dipper
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Come on! Ridiculous!
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Soos
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(Simultaneously) I'm incredulous!
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Mabel
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(Simultaneously) That was really dumb!
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Stan
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What? That story was great! I even threw in a talking robot for the kids.
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Mabel
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Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell a non-terrible story. A story called "Trooth Ache!" (Title card appears. Dipper, Mabel, and Stan are in the driveway while Manly Dan ties up a bear.)
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Stan
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This attraction is gonna make me a fortune. Easy with that bear, Corduroy! I need him in showroom condition.
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Bear
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(Roars)
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Manly Dan
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No! Noo!! (wrestles the bear)
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Mabel
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Aaaaawww. They're hugging.
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Dipper
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So, let me get this straight. Your plan is to teach this bear to ride a bicycle?
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Stan
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Nah. Come on, everyone's seen a bicycle-riding bear. No, no. I'm gonna teach this bear... to drive! (Cut to Stan's car driving crazily on the road. The bear is driving, Stan is in the passenger seat, and Dipper and Mabel are in the back seat.) And the yellow light means "speed up". (Hears cops' siren noise) Uh-oh.
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Blubs and Durland
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(stops Stan's car)
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Stan
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What seems to be the problem, officers? (The bear starts gnawing its seatbelt)
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Sheriff Blubs
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Now there'd better be a darn good explanation for this.
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Stan
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Oh, there is. You see, I'm a very old man, not long for this Earth, and the doctor's assigned me a seeing-eye bear to drive me to the hospital in case of emergencies. (Mabel feels suspicious to herself)
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Sheriff Blubs
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Is that right? Then where is your doctor's note?
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Stan
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Why, it's right here, inside my jacket. (writes note inside jacket quickly) There you go. (gives them the note, which says "Stan is sick and needs a bear. -Dr. Medicine")
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Sheriff Blubs
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Well, I can't argue with Dr. Medicine.
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Stan
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To the hospital, Honeypants!
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Bear
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(roars and drives away)
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Cuts to later in the Mystery Shack. Stan is spray-painting rocks with gold under a sign titled "Real Gold Nuggets!" Mabel walks up to him.
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Mabel
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Grunkle Stan, how could you lie to those policemen? Don't you know lying is always wrong?
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Stan
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Mabel, when you get to be my age, you'll learn that you sometimes have to bend the truth for the greater good. (eats spaghetti)
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Dipper
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(comes in) Hey, have any of you seen my plate of spaghetti?
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Stan
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(hides spaghetti behind him while turning around to Dipper) No... But I bet Soos has. You know how he likes to eat.
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Dipper
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This is a dark day. Thanks, Grunkle Stan. (runs off)
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Stan
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See? Greater good.
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Mabel
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Aaaaah!
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Cuts to Mabel lying on her bed with Waddles
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Mabel
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Waddles, what am I gonna do about Grunkle Stan? (As Waddles:) He needs to stop lying. (Regular voice:) I know, but how do we stop him? (As Waddles:) Maybe you should check Dipper's journal. Oink Oink. (Regular voice:) Say oink one more time. (As Waddles:) Oink Oink. (Regular voice:) Waddles, you genius! (Opens journal; reading aloud:) "Buried 'neath a tree stump in the deep forest are truth teeth, which force upon the wearer an inability to lie." Hmmm... (Cut to Stan sleeping at night. Mabel puts truth teeth in his mouth and wakes him up by grabbing his nose)
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Stan
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What? What's going on? Huh? Mabel?
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Mabel
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Quick question. What happened to Dipper's spaghetti plate?
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Stan
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I ate it because I have little to no concern about other people's possessions or emotions. (Realizes what he just said) Huh, that was strangely candid. Almost as if I'm unable to lie. Well, good night! (Goes to sleep)
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Cut to that morning. Mabel is whispering in Dipper's ear.
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Dipper
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You what? That seems like a horrible idea!
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Mabel
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It's great! Now he has to tell the truth.
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Dipper
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Hmmm.
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Stan
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(Gives them plates) Scrambled meat, here it is.
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Dipper
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Stan, what do you do in secret every day during your lunch break?
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Stan
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Usually, I spend the hour aggressively scratching myself in places I shouldn't mention. Now I'm going to avoid making eye contact by pretending to read this newspaper, and go to the bathroom without washing my hands. (Leaves)
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Dipper and Mabel
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Eeeeeeewww!
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Dipper
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Well, that was disturbing.
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Mabel
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Don't worry, Dipper. The truth is always a good thing. (Cut to Stan in the gift shop)
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Unnamed man
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(to Stan:) Hey, excuse me. Do you think this t-shirt is my size?
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Stan
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Never mind the t-shirt! Hey everyone, look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!
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Mabel
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(leads man away) I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. (Cut to Stan doing taxes)
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Stan
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Doing my taxes.
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Dipper
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(looks at one of the papers, which has "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" on it) Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?
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Stan
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Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.
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Dipper
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You might wanna... tuck that one away there. (inserts paper into a shredder)
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Dipper, Mabel and Stan are watching TV, where a man is juggling on a unicycle with three live alligators watching him in the middle.
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Dipper and Mabel
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Hahahahaha!
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Stan
|
Sometimes, I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet, release of death?
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Mabel
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(Rocks back and forth)
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Dipper
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(Shivers)
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Cut to later
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Stan
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(Yelling up to Dipper and Mabel, who are in their room:) Kids! I think I have a growth forming on my back! Just wanted to be honest with you guys!
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Dipper
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I can't take it anymore, Mabel! We need to take those teeth out of his mouth.
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Mabel
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But then he'll be a liar again!
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Dipper
|
Could it possibly be any worse than this?
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The doorbell rings. Dipper and Mabel run downstairs, where Stan is standing in the doorway with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland.
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Sheriff Blubs
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So, after further investigation, turns out there is no Dr. Medicine in Gravity Falls.
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Deputy Durland
|
You'd better have a darn good explanation for this!
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Stan
|
Oh, and I do. You see, I lied to you. In addition I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat.
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Sheriff Blubs
|
(Drops his coffee) Is all of this true?
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Dipper
|
No! No, it's not true. Right, Mabel?
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Mabel
|
Uh, sirs, I have to be completely and totally honest with you. Our Great Uncle Stan is...is... (Stan holds out his hands for the handcuffs, Blubs raises his nightstick) Stan is... secretly a crime fiction writer!
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Sheriff Blubs
|
What?
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Mabel
|
Yeah. He was just telling you about a character in his upcoming page turner, Crime Grandpa! He's never committed a crime in his life. Also, have you lost weight?
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Sheriff Blubs
|
Finally! Someone noticed.
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Deputy Durland
|
Wow, an author! Can you teach me how to read?
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Stan
|
What? Author?
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Mabel
|
Ha ha, writer, master of fiction. Good night, officers. (Closes the door and sighs)
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Dipper
|
Hey, you alright?
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Mabel
|
I can't believed I lied.
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Dipper
|
Mabel, it was for the greater good.
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Mabel
|
Yeah, the greater good.
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Stan
|
(On phone:) Hello? Police station? I forgot to tell him about my tax fraud. No, tax fraud.
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Dipper and Mabel
|
(Tackle him)
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Stan
|
What's gotten into you kids?
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Mabel
|
(Pulls out the teeth) We have to find a place to get rid of these! (Cut to Mabel throwing out the box into the bottomless pit at the beginning of the episode. In the present:) And I never saw that box full of magical teeth again. (Sees the box next to Stan) Oh wait, there it is.
|
Soos, Dipper & Stan
|
(sighs)
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Soos
|
Oh, sweet! My shoes! (Puts his shoes back on)
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Stan
|
I liked the part with the bear. The rest seemed pretty far-fetched.
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Dipper
|
Mabel, we already know that story! We just lived through it.
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Soos
|
So if we're living through that story right now, then how does it end?
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Dipper
|
Guys, do you see that?
|
|
They are approaching some light.
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Soos
|
What is that?
|
Dipper
|
Oh no!
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Mabel
|
Where are we going?
|
Stan
|
Not good!
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All
|
(Scream as they fall out of the pit and onto the spot they fell from)
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Stan
|
Where... where are we?
|
Mabel
|
(gasps) Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top.
|
Dipper
|
And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of wormhole.
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Soos
|
Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true.
|
Stan
|
But that's impossible. No one will believe us.
|
Mabel
|
Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.
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All
|
Agreed.
|
Stan
|
(Leans on the sign, which breaks, and he falls into the hole)
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Mabel
|
He'll be fine.
|
|
Cuts to credits.
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Stan
|
(Falling in silence down the hole; Sighs) This is stupid.
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