Opening bill transparent A darkness approaches...
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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Dipper and Mabel and the Curse of the Time Pirates' Treasure!: Select Your Own Choose-Venture." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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Dipper: It doesn't matter, just pick one already!

Mabel: Yes, it DOES matter, the sweater I wear has to match the day perfectly! It's sunny, so I feel like wearing my 'Puppy with Shades' sweater. But I've also got a really good feeling about this 'Glittering Yarn Ball' sweater.

Dipper: Little choices like this aren't important, that's why I wear the same outfit every day, so I can focus on BIG choices.

Mabel: And everyone else can focus on trying to ignore how bad you smell! I think I'm gonna go with 'Yarn Ball' today, I wore a dog sweater yesterday and I don't want people to think I'm getting predictable.

Dipper: Do you hear that?

Mabel: Is it the sound of fashion lovers everywhere applauding my sweater decision?

Dipper: It sounds like...digging.

Blendin: Aw, time-dangit!

Mabel: Blendin Blandin!

Blendin: Who goes there! I have various futuristic weapons and I will attempt to figure out how to use them if you get closer!

Dipper: Hey, buddy. How are you?

Mabel: How's the new hair working out?

Blendin: YOU TWO! I should have known. I'll have you know my business is personal!

Dipper: Sure are a lot of holes here.

Mabel: Hundreds of holes.

Dipper: What's with the holes?

Mabel: Are you looking for gophers? Because that's adorable and we want in!

Blendin: What I'm doing is a secret! Fine, I'll tell you, but only because I need help! I'm looking for a buried treasure hidden by a madman. This treasure is so large and powerful that the kindest of souls have made ghosts of their enemies to get it!

Mabel: Is the treasure friendship?

Blendin: No, it isn't friendship! I'm taking about the legendary TIME PIRATES' TREASURE!

Mabel: Ooooooooooh.

Blendin: It's the greatest treasure ever known, because it's EVERY great treasure ever known. The Time Pirates are a group of rogue Time Anomaly Enforcement Agents who travel through history and steal the world's most famous treasures. The Holy Grail! The Philosopher's Stone! Abraham Lincoln's pet dodo! And they dress like pirates because... it looks cool!

Dipper: That's debatable.

Blendin: Hey! They're the most feared and respected group of rapscallions to ever exist! And I've found a way to steal their most precious possessions!

Dipper: Stealing from bloodthirsty pirates seems kind of dangerous, I thought you hated danger. And doing things.

Blendin: Look, I don't know if you know this, but my life isn't exactly great. Even though you got me my old job back, I live with my mom, my coworkers still make fun of me, and I'm so stressed my new hair keeps falling out. If I could take even one-quarter of that treasure, I could finally get the respect I need. But I can't do it alone, if you haven't noticed. So what do you say? Help me thieve from these thieves?

Dipper: I dunno, we were going to watch TV all day.

Mabel: Or read a book, I heard someone on TV say that they still make books.

Blendin: We could split the treasure three ways! That's more than a million dollars each!

Dipper: But isn't time travel super dangerous? What if I step on a twig and create a future where everyone turns into lizard people?

Blendin: The lizard people scenario happens only forty percent of the time, and usually pretty nice. Plus, I brought some laser blasters to keep us safe! Look! See? Works like a charm!

Dipper: Mabel, a lot of treasure could be cool.

Mabel: Yeah! I could use it to buy Moon Shoes or gild Waddles in solid gold!

Dipper: And I could build my own laboratory to study the weirdness of Gravity Falls! And possibly get a few hundred pairs of the exact same outfit to wear! So what do we do, Mabel? Should we help Blendin out?

Slay The Dragon

Dipper: Dragons! I've uncovered some of their bones back in Gravity Falls, but I've never been able to see one live. This is the opportunity of a lifetime!

Mabel: Aren't dragons basically just talking dinosaurs?

Dipper: The science is still out on that.

King:  Veeeeryyyy good! Sir Suitsly, equip them with armor!

Blendin: Mine is an hourglass! It's perfect!

Mabel: And mine is a shooting star!

Dipper: Hey, mine is a pine tree!

King: Don't get too excited, these are only to make it easier to identify your bodies after you've been killed. Squire, present them with the dragon flute! This is a dragon flute, playing a note from it will lull any dragon to sleep!

Dipper: If it's that easy, why haven't you used it yourself?

King: Because I have no idea if it actually works! You think I'm actually dumb enough to risk my life trying it? And here's a map of the dragon's den, now, now, I'll tell you all about that pirate person you speak of and his key only after you've returned. Off you go! Tee-hee!

Knight: The dragon's that way, good luck.

Dipper: Well, it looks like it's quest time!

Mabel: Oh, harken ye close, that you may hear a fable! Of a dragon defeater named Marvelous Mabel! She traveled the land, so the legend is heard! With Blendin the Bald and Dipper the Nerd.

Dipper: Someone take that thing away from her.

Mabel: With her glittery sword, she defeated the beast! And then married thirteen hot princes at least!

Dipper: Shhh! All right, we just need to sneak in and play this dragon flute, hopefully we can lull it to sleep before it incinearates us, and then steal back the king's favorite goblet. Plus, I might take a few scales back home to brag to Soos.

Mabel: Who needs dragon scales when we'll have a whole treasure to bring back?

Blendin: Uhhh, is everyone else s-super cool with this p-plan? The crushed skulls and rib cages around the cave are giving me sort of an iffy vibe.

Dipper: Well, according to this map, there's an alternative cliff we could take a back entrance to the cave.

Blendin: Oh, man, things are getting iffier and iffier.

Dipper: Hey, the choice is yours, you wanna take the dangerous cliff and sneak up from the back? Or burst in  the front and hope this dragon flute works?

Blendin: I hate making decisions.

Explode The Boosters

Mabel: I'm exploding the boosters! This button's big and red, and that's always a good thing!! We won! 

Dipper: We did it!

Blendin: W-w-w-way to go, guys, that was really amazing! I've seen a lot of space races in my life, but that was really something else! I want you guys to meet someone, Dipper and Mabel, this is the ex-Time Pirate we've won the freedom of, Dos Hunthou!

Dos: Master, mastress, what is your bidding?

Mabel: Do a funny dance! There better be kicks!

Dipper: Wait! We're actually here to set you free. If you give us that key you wear around your neck, you have your freedom!

Dos: This key? But of course!

Dipper: Yes!

Dos: Now tell me, master, what is your bidding?

Dipper: Uh, dude, I'm not your master, you're free now. Go be free!

Dos: Giving me my freedom is the kindest thing anyone's ever done! I am eternally in your debt! I will wait on you hand and foot for all time!

Dipper: You realize you're leaving one prison for another, right? Guys, I don't know what to do about this. It's not like we can take him along with us.

Mabel: Can't we just leave him on the side of the road with a twenty-dollar bill stapled to his neck shackle?

Blendin: I wish, but it's very dishonorable to him! He'll have to live the rest of his life in shame! We either have to take him on as our sacred helper or pass him on to someone in need. Which should we do?

Dipper: What do we do, Mabel?

Future Prison Break

Mabel: Let's break into time prison! I hear it's a...riot! Huh? Huh?

Blendin: Listen, Mabel, the infinitentiary is no joke! I was in that death trap for one thousand years. Or maybe two years. I'm a really bad judge of time. That's probably why I get fired so often from my time job. The bottom line is, between the time gangs and the hover rats, we've got our work cut out for us here. But Davy Time-Jones is in that prison with our answers, and if we  want to get him out, we have to get ourselves in first. Any ideas?

Dipper: Okay, I've got a plan. The first thing we have to do is pick out some criminals who are wanted fugitives. We'll spend a year studying their mannerisms and lifestyles, getting to know them as well as we know ourselves. Then, with the aid of a world-class surgeon and classified military technology, we'll switch our faces with theirs, go into the prison, and impersonate them. After several months of gaining the inmates' trust, and proving that we're dangerous criminals by then, we'll escape with their secrets. But! When we return to the real world, we'll discover that the criminals we've impersonated have taken our faces, and we may need to have some sort of legendary showdown with them, and there'll probably be doves. There are always doves.

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