Dipper vs. Manliness/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Dipper vs. Manliness." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "The Inconveniencing"

Next: "Double Dipper"

	Episode opens on the exterior of the Mystery Shack; cuts to interior.
Tyler Cutebiker	I like to get my Christmas shopping done early. Do you have anything that's in the spirit of the season?
Stan Pines	Uh, how about these crystals? (Puts a bowl of "crystals" on the counter)
Tyler	Ha ha! Looks like broken glass.
Stan	What are you, a cop?
Tyler	Ooh! What is that new thing?
Dipper Pines	Grunkle Stan?
Mabel Pines	Can we go to the diner? We're huuungry.
Dipper	Huuuuungry.
	Dipper and Mabel hit their stomachs against each other three times.
Stan	Yeah, sure. Soon as this yahoo makes up his mind.
Tyler	(Pointing at a fur trout) Do you have this in another animal?
Stan	I'm fine locking him inside if you are.
	Mabel and Dipper nod eagerly; cuts to outside, where Stan has clumsily locked Tyler in the gift shop.
Tyler	Puma shirt, panther shirt. Puma shirt, panther shirt. Puma shirt... (pauses) panther shirt.
	Cuts to theme song.
	Waitress hits a woodpecker on a wall and a beaver in a hole in the floor with a broom.
Old Man McGucket	Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!
	Sheriff Blubs is eating pancakes very quickly while Deputy Durland points a speeding device at him.
Deputy Durland	Go! Go! Go! Go!
	Cuts to Dipper, Mabel, and Stan's table. Lazy Susan walks up to the table.
Stan	Lazy Susan! There's my little ray of sunshine! Where were you yesterday?
Lazy Susan	I got hit by a bus!
Stan	Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious!
Lazy Susan	Thank you. Ha ha ha ha hee hee ho ho ho.
Stan	You do split plates, right?
Lazy Susan	Maybe... (Makes her lazy eye wink) Wink!
Stan	Great! We'll all split a one-fourth of the number seven, plus a free salad dressing for the lady, and a small plate of ketchup for the boy.
Lazy Susan	(Writes it down and walks off)
Mabel	But Grunkle Stan, I want pancakes!
Stan	With the fancy flour they use these days? What am I, made of money? (A piece of money shows out of Stan's sleeve) Tap tap. (Taps it back in the sleeve)
Mabel	Awww...
Dipper	(Looks over and sees the Manliness Tester) Don't worry guys, pancakes are on me. I'm gonna win some by beating that manliness tester.
Stan	Manliness Tester?
Mabel	Beating?
Stan and Mabel	(Burst out laughing)
Stan	He says he's... he says he... HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Dipper	What? What's so funny?
Mabel	Oh, no offense Dipper, but you're not exactly "Manly Mannington." Ha ha ha!
Dipper	Hey, I am too "Manly... Manny" or whatever it is you said.
Stan	Look, face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's... "incident."
	Flashes back to Dipper in the bathroom wearing a towel and singing at the mirror with a comb as the microphone
Dipper	Disco girl...coming through...that girl is you...
	Stan walks into the bathroom.
Dipper	DON'T COME IN! DON'T COME IN!
	Cuts back to the present.
Mabel	You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation "BABBA"?
Dipper	No. Heh heh, I wasn't. It's not important. Look, come on guys, I'm plenty masculine. You see this chest hair? (Brings down shirt, to show his chest and it shines very brightly)
Mabel	Put it away, put it away!
Stan	So smooth! My eyes!
Dipper	Aw man...
Stan and Mabel	(Burst out laughing again)
Dipper	Fine, "family of little faith." Get ready to eat your words. (Gets up) And a plate a delicious pancakes. (Walks toward the manliness tester as other people eating watch) Alright, Dipper. Time to manhandle this...man handle...
	Dipper stares up at the machine and starts sweating.
Dipper	And a one and a two...
Stan	Quit stallin'!
	Dipper starts tugging on the handle and the light starts moving toward the category he belongs in. The categories are "wimp," "middle-aged woman," "barely possible," "man," and "manly man." Dipper keeps on pulling the handle until the light goes down to "wimp." A card comes out of the machine that says "You are a cutie patootie!"
Dipper	Oh, what? This thing must be broken. It's totally broken, guys. It's like a million years old, probably ran out of steam power or-
	Dipper gets pushed out of the way by Manly Dan. Manly Dan cracks his knuckles.
Dipper	It's rickety man, you shouldn't even-
	Manly Dan pushes on the handle with his pinky and the machine automatically goes to "Manly Man" before exploding and giving everyone free pancakes.
Manly Dan	Yes! Pancakes for everyone!
	Everyone at the restaurent cheers. A pancake falls on Dipper's head. Mabel and Stan laugh at Dipper.
Dipper	I need to get some chest hair and fast. (Starts running out but is tripped by a beaver) I'm fine! Heh heh! Everything's fine! (Runs out)
Stan	Yeesh! How am I related to that?
Mabel	Come on, Grunkle Stan. I'm sure deep down you have a soft side too.
Stan	Ha! Nothing in here but a cold, dark, empty soul.
Lazy Susan	(Puts the food on the table) Food!
Stan	Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean, I mean uh honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow.
Lazy Susan	Ha ha! Silly! (Starts walking away) Silly man...
Mabel	What was that about?
Stan	Nothing. I don't wanna talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?
Mabel	Wait just a second. I think I have an idea happening here. You...
Stan	No!
Mabel	And her...
Stan	Stop it!
Mabel	AAAHH!
Stan	Oh boy.
Mabel	You have a thing for Lazy Susan! You do have a soft side!
Stan	(Puts his finger over her mouth) Keep it down, will ya?! Alright. I admit it, okay? It would be nice if she liked me. But I've been out of the game for so long I wouldn't know where to start. I mean, look at her. She's so classy.
Lazy Susan	(Hits the spinning pie trolley) Spin, ya dumb pies, spin!
Mabel	Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we will get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of-
Stan	Love?
Mabel	Mabel. To victory! (Drinks salad dressing)
	Cuts to Dipper walking down the street.
Dipper	Not manly enough, stupid diner, stupid lumberjack... (Gets sprayed by water)
Sheriff Blubs	Another hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh dang mystery.
Deputy Durland	Wanna take off our uniforms and run around in circles?
Sheriff Blubs	(With his shirt off) Quit readin' my mind.
	They both start running around with their shirts off and screaming in delight. Dipper backs up and bumps into a woman.'
Unnamed scout lady	Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for the mailman.
Dipper	Oh what? Are you saying I'm not a "male man?" Is that what you're trying to say? I'm not male? I'm not a man? Is that-is that what you're getting at?
Unnamed scout lady	Are you crying?
Dipper	(Tries not to cry and runs off. Cut to him in the woods) 2...3...4... (bench pressing a small branch. He tosses the branch aside and looks in his shirt) No chest hair yet. (Lays on the ground) Is it physical, is it mental, what's the secret? (Holds up a bag of jerky that says "You're inadequate!") You said it brother. I need help.
	The ground begins to shake very hard and a large roar is heard. Various animals begin flying or running in the opposite direction of the noise
Manly Dan	For the love of all that's holy, run! (Runs off)
	A tree begins to fall on the stump that has Dipper's hat, and Dipper runs and grabs it before the tree squashes it. Another roar is heard and the shadow of a creature is seen getting closer to Dipper
Dipper	(Screams high pitched) Wait...sorry. (Screams on a lower octave and coughs)
	Chutzpar comes out of the forest and lets out another loud roar, however it is just a yawn. It takes a deer and scratches itself, and throws it away afterward. The deer soon runs off. Chutzpar looks over in Dipper's direction and knocks away the log he is hiding behind
Dipper	Please don't eat me! I haven't showered! In like a week! And, I'm all elbows! Elbows, and gristle!
Chutzpar	YOU...!
Dipper	Ah!
Chutzpar	Gonna finish that?
Dipper	(Looks at the jerky) No. (Tosses it to him and the Minotaur begins eating) I can't believe it, part animal, part human. Are you some kind of Minotaur?
Chutzpar	I'm a manotaur! Half man! Half...uh...half taur!
Dipper	So did I, like, summon you or-?
Chutzpar	The smell of jerky summoned me! JERKY! (Punches a tree down and smashes a rock against his head) YEAH!! Ha ha! Heh. (Starts sniffing the air and then smells Dipper) I smell... emotional issues!
Dipper	I have problems, Manotaur. Man-related problems.
Chutzpar	(Sits down and pats his leg)
Dipper	(Rests head on the Chutzpar's leg) Well, my own uncle called me a wimp...
Chutzpar	Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Dipper	And I kind of flunked this manliness video game thing...
Chutzpar	Mm.
Dipper	Hey, you know, you seem pretty manly. Maybe you could give me some pointers?
Chutzpar	Very well. Climb atop my back hair, child!
Dipper	Uh... okay.
Chutzpar	(Running through the woods with Dipper on his back) Ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Crashes through a tree and keeps running)
Dipper	(Gets hit by a branch and a bird nest) Dude, watch out!
Chutzpar	(Jumps over a gorge) YEAH!!!!!!
Dipper	AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Chutzpar	(Crashes through the side of a mountain.)
Dipper	(Opens eyes) Whoa...
	Inside the mountain is a cave full of Manotaurs
Dipper	This place is amazing!
Chutzpar	The gnomes live in the trees, the merpeople live in the water, 'Cause they're losers! But we Manotaurs, crash in the MAN CAVE! (Rings a gong) BEASTS! I have brought you, a hairless child! (pushes Dipper forward)
Dipper	....S'up.
Chutzpar	(Gesturing to several manotaurs) This is, uh, Pubetor, Testosteror, Pituitor, and I'm Chutzpar. And you are?
Dipper	My name's Dipper...(Manotaurs boo) The...uh, Destructor?
Manotaurs	Yeah. Yeah that's better. (they nod)
Chutzpar	(bangs gong) Dipper The Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness.
Dipper	I need your help! (pulls down shirt to show hairless chest) Look at this guys! Look at this!
Manotaur	I must confer with the High Council. (The manotaurs turn around and huddle) So..teach him our man secrets or what?
Manotaur 2	He's a human; I don't like him.
Manotaur 3	I DON'T LIKE YOUR FACE! (Punches other manotaur)
	Manotaurs start fighting
Dipper	I like these guys.
	Back at The Mystery Shack. Stan is shuffling cards
Mabel	Okay, Grunkle Stan. Welcome to the first day of whatever is left of your life! First, a before picture. (Takes a picture of Stan and startles him with the flash)
Stan	Ahh!
Mabel	I never miss a scrapbookertunity! (opens scrapbook) Deedly dum, memories. (slaps the picture on an empty page) Bleep. Let's start out with some roleplaying. Soos will play Lazy Susan.
Soos	I'm soft, like a woman.
Mabel	Grunkle Stan, show me how you approach a woman. Remember this is a safe, non-judgemental environment. I'll just be right off the side judging you on a scale from one to ten.
Stan	(Walks up to Soos and spits to the side) Can I borrow some money?
Mabel	(Blows whistle) This is gonna be harder than I thought.
	Cuts back to the man cave
Manotaur	After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets.
Manotaur #2	Denied! (punches himself in the face)
Dipper	Denied? Ok, fine. That's ok with me. Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me. Maybe, you're not man enough to try.
Manotaur #3	Not MAN enough!? (Stomps forward)
Chutzpar	Destructor...
Manotaur #3	Not MAN enough!?
Chutzpar	He didn't mean it.
Manotaur #3	I have three Y chromosomes, six adam's apples, pecs on my abs and FISTS FOR NIPPLES!
Dipper	Seems to me you're too scared to teach me how to be a man. Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like.. Bock-bock. Bock. Oh, that's weird-Bocock, bocAW! Is that?-BACAWK! That sounds like-BACAW! Yeah, a bunch of chickens!
	Manotaurs gasp, and huddle again
Manotaur	I feel all weird.
Manotaur #2	He's using some sort of brain magic!
Manotaur #3	After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!
Manotaurs	Man! Man! Man! (continue chanting)
Dipper	Great! Thanks guys, whatever it is, I will not let you down.
	Cuts to Dipper and the Manotaurs in front of a hole in the ground labeled "Pain Hole"
Chutzpar	Being a man is about conquering your fears.
Manotaur	For your first man test, you must plunge your fist-INTO THE PAIN HOLE! (Manotaurs wince)
Dipper	The what..?
Manotaur #2	(Puts fist into hole) Pain hole, schmainhole-WAHHH!! AHHH!!! (slaps himself) AHH! (Runs off clutching hand)
Dipper	Are you sure this is really necessary?
Chutzpar	You want to be a man, don't you?
Manotaurs	Man! Man! Man! Man! (continue chanting while 1 manotaur is punching another manotaur in the face)
Dipper	(Puts his hand in the hole) AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
	His screams cause birds to fly away. Cuts to Mabel and Grunkle Stan inside of the Mystery Shack.
Mabel	(Sitting in chair) Alright! Let's try to get that inner beauty on the outside. Smile harder.
Stan	(Struggling to make an unconvincing smile) EHHH...AGGHHH...
Mabel	(Stands up in her chair) Harder!
Stan	(Still struggling to smile) AGGGHHH...WEEAAGGHH...
Mabel	Perfect. (Yelling) Soos!
Soos	(Appears beside Mabel, holding sandwich) Sup, hambone. (Chews sandwich)
Mabel	(To Soos) Wha'd'you think?
Soos	AAAAAAHHHH!!! (Throws his sandwich in the air, and runs out of the shack, leaving the door swinging on its hinges.)
Mabel	(Sighs) This is going to take some really great training music. (Holds up a CD labeled "Training Mix", puts it in a CD player and presses play)
	Camera zooms out, music starts, Mabel dances, Stan scratches his back. Cuts to Manotaurs and Dipper in a hot spring
Dipper	Guys, I just wanna say that these last few hours have been...I-I feel like there's really been some growth.
Clark	I have a growth!
Dipper	Clark, you are hilarious today!
Clark	(clicks tongue)
Dipper	It's just you guys took me under your wing, and have just been so supportive.
Chutzpar	(Makes hand gesture) Oh, stop.
Dipper	No, you know what? You really have been. I think I feel like I'm finally becoming a man here.
Chutzpar	(Waves hand) Not yet, Destructor. One final task remains. The deadliest trial of all.
Dipper	(Clenches fist) I've survived forty-nine other trials. Whatever it is, bring it on!
Manotaurs	(Together) Yeah!
	Cut to a Manotaur lighting a torch. Camera pans around to where Chutzpar and Dipper are standing. Chutzpar licks a tattoo and applies it to Dipper's arm. It reads "Rad Dude". The other says "Too Cool". Dipper stands up tall, and the first row of Manotaurs kneel before him. The row behind takes out bones and plays the others' heads like drums.
Chutzpar	Behold our leader, Leaderaur!
	Cut to a view of a cave with two Manotaurs standing in front. They part, and an old, hunched Manotaur walks out.
Old Manotaur	(Humming) Rum te tum tum...
Dipper	Is he like the oldest, or wisest, or...?
Old Manotaur	(Raises hand slowly) Greetings, young-(A mouth comes down into the frame and eats the old manotaur) - AAAGHHHHHH!
Chutzpar	Naw, he's just the offering. That (points upward) is Leaderaur.
	Camera pans up Leaderaur's body, up to his head. He sucks in the old manotaur and swallows.
Leaderaur	You - You wish to be a man?
Dipper	(Banging on chest) HUUUAAARRRRGGHHH!
Manotaurs	(Together) Yeah!
Leaderaur	Then you must heroic act, go to highest mountain (reaches into his chest and pulls out a spear) and bring back head of...the Multi-Bear! (tosses spear at Dipper's feet.)
Manotaurs	(Gasp)
Dipper	The Multi-Bear? Is that some sort of bear..?
Leaderaur	He's our sworn enemy! Conquer him and your mansformation will me complete.
Dipper	Conquer? I don't know, man.
Chutzpar	(Looks through Dipper's backpack and pulls out the BABBA case) Destructor, is this yours?
Dipper	(snatches it) Oh no! Ha ha, I don't know whose that is, just borrowing it, friend's, not mine.
Manotaur	Mmm, I don't know about this...
Dipper	Uh...(walks back to the spear) Hmph. (picks it up over his head) I SHALL CONQUER THE MULTI-BEAR!
	The manotaurs cheer. Leaderaur spouts fire from his nose. A fire spark falls on Dipper.
Dipper	(Puts out the fire) I'm okay!
	Scene cuts to a montage of Dipper climbing up the mountain. Dipper arrives to Multi-bear's cave.
Dipper	I'm comin' for you, multi-bear.
	Cut to Mabel
Mabel	Okay, Grunkle Stan. You started like this.. (Puts up Stan's before picture) But you became.. (Lowers picture to see Stan with messy clothes and sweat)
Stan	Can I scratch myself now?
Mabel	No! No, no, no! Is that throw up on your shirt?
Stan	I don't know how to answer that.
Mabel	(Rips the before picture.)
Wendy	Face it, Mabel. Your uncle's unfixable. Like that spitting pie thing in the diner.
Mabel	Grunkle Stan, come with me! (Runs to the door) And leave your pants at home!
Stan	With pleasure! (Walks to Mabel)
	Cut to Dipper entering the cave.
Dipper	What is a Multi-bear?
	Behind Dipper, the multi-bear wakes up. Dipper then notices the muti-bear behind him. Multi-bear roars.
Dipper	Oh, that's a multi-bear.
Multi-bear	(Many bear heads roaring; main head:) Bear heads, silence! (Hits the head still roaring. It gets silent after a bit) Child, why have you come here?
Dipper	Multi-bear! I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway? There's like-what? Six heads?
Multi-bear	This is foolish! Leave now! Or die!
Dipper	(Points his spear at multi-bear.)
Multi-bear	So be it! (Heads roar; he charges at Dipper)
Dipper	(Runs up the wall)
Multi-bear	(Smacks a pile of bones towards Dipper)
Dipper	(Hides behind a rock, avoiding the bones. Jumps on one of multi-bear's head and runs to the top, choking the main head with the spear and making the Multi-bear fall down) A real man shows no mercy!
Multi-bear	(Sighs) Very well, warrior. But will you grant a magical beast one last request?
Dipper	Uh.. Okay.
Multi-bear	I wish to die listening to my favorite song.
	Zoom out to a tape player.
Multi-bear	The tape is already in there. You can just hit any- (Dipper presses a button) Yeah, yeah, that's it.
	The song "Disco Girl" plays.
Dipper	You listen to Icelandic pop group BABBA? I-I love BABBA.
Multi-bear	I thought I was the the only one. All the manotaurs made fun of me because I know all the words to the song "Disco Girl."
Dipper	Oh, you mean (singing:) Disco girl...
Multi-bear	(Singing:) Coming through...
Multi-bear and Dipper	(Singing:) That girl is you! Oo-oo o-oo!
Dipper	(Laughs) This is crazy! Finally someone who-who understands- uh.. Oh yeah. I guess I'm suppose to kill you? Or I'll never be a man?
Multi-bear	I accept my fate.
Dipper	No! (Pause) Really?
Multi-bear	It's for the best.
Dipper	(Raises his spear but it hits the floor of the mancave.) I'm not gonna do it.
Leaderaur	You were told! The price of man is the multi-bear's head!
Dipper	Listen, Leaderaur, alright? You too, Tesosteraur, Pubertaur, and.. I don't know, whatever you're name is. B-Beardy.
Beardy	It's Beardy.
Dipper	You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks, and being aggro all the time, but I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey.
	The manotaurs gasp.
Dipper	You heard me, malarkey. So maybe I don't have muscles, or hair in certain places, and.. sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes, I leave it on! 'Cause dang it, top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason! They're catchy!
Chutzpar	Destructor.. What are you saying?
Dipper	I'm saying the Multi-bear is a really nice guy. And you're bunch of jerks if you want me to cut off his head!
Leaderaur	(Stands up and destroys the spear) Kill the multi-bear or never be a man!
Dipper	Then I guess I'll never be a man.
Chutzpar	Boooo! Weak!
Manotaurs	Boooooo! Lame! Boooo!
Chutzpar	Hey guys! Who wants to go build something and knock it down!
	The manotaurs cheer and leave, chanting "Man!" several times. Dipper kicks a rock away and walks away. Cut to Greasy' Diner.
Lazy Susan	(Hitting pie trolley) SPIN! SPIN!
Mabel	(Enters with Stan) Lazy Susan. Listen: I know he's not much to look at, but you're always fixing stuff in the diner, and if you like fixing stuff, nothing can use more fixing than my Grunkle Stan! Also women live longer than men so your dating pool is smaller and you should really lower your standards.
Stan	So, Lazy Susan, what do you say?
Lazy Susan	(Leaves)
Stan	Uhhhh... (Walks away)
Lazy Susan	(Comes back with a piece of paper and a piece of pie) Heeeeyyyy! Here's my number. Why don't you give me a call some time?
Stan	Really?!
Lazy Susan	REALLY!! HAHA. Also: here's some pie. On the house. For YOU! (leaves)
Mabel	EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! We did it! When are you gonna call? You wanna call now? I don't have a phone. Let's buy a phone! We can put it on a credit card. Let's get a credit card.
Stan	Mabel! Let a man enjoy his pie, huh?
Dipper	(Comes up to the restaurant)
Mabel	DIPPER!! It's me, Mabel! I'm looking at you through this glass! Right here! This is my voice! I'm talking to you from inside!
Dipper	(Nods and gives Mabel a "Calm down" sign. Comes inside)
Mabel	Did you see me through the-?
Dipper	Yes.
Mabel	What's wrong?
Dipper	I don't want to talk about it.
Stan	Good.
Dipper	It's just these half man half bull humanoids were hanging out with me...
Stan	Here we go.
Dipper	But then they wanted me to do this really tough, horrible thing but it just wasn't right. So I said no.
Stan	You were your own man and you stood up for yourself.
Dipper	Huh?
Stan	Well, you did what was right even when no one agreed with ya. Sounds pretty manly to me but, what do I know?
Dipper	(Smiles)
Mabel	Wait a minute, do my eyes deceive me? You have a chest hair!
Dipper	(Checks his chest and gasp) You're right! I do! Ha ha, this is amazing! I really do! Take that, man tester! Take that, Pituitor!
Stan	Pituitor?
Dipper	This guy has chest hair!
Mabel	(pulls it out and puts it in a journal) Scrap-book ortunity!
Stan	Don't worry, kid, if you're anything like me, there's more where that came from. (rips open his shirt)
Dipper	OH, GROSS!!!
Everyone	HAHAHAHAHA!
Dipper	Seriously, that's disgusting.
	Stinger: Stan is sitting on the chair next to the phone. The phone rings.
Stan	Oh, not again!
Answering machine	Message number: 36
Lazy Susan	(over answering machine:) Hey, handsome! It's me, Lazy Susan, calling to say hi: Hi! My cats also wanted to say hi! Say hi, Donald!
Donald	(over answering machine:) Meow
Lazy Susan	(over answering machine.) Good, Sandy, you say hi!
Sandy	(over answering machine) Meow
Lazy Susan	(over answering machine) Mr. Cat-face, now it's your turn to say-
Mr. Cat-face	(over answering machine) MOOWW!!!!!
Lazy Susan	(over answering machine) Mr. Cat-face!
Mr. Cat-face	(over answering machine) MEEEEEOWW!!!!
Lazy Susan	(over answering machine) Well, anyway call me! Call me back! (hangs up)
Stan	How do I get out of this?!