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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "A Tale of Two Stans" Next: "The Stanchurian Candidate"
Scene opens up outside the Mystery Shack. A sign is shown saying "Temporarily CLOSED For Repair." Cut to inside the gift shop. Mabel is lying on the floor with an empty cheese boodles bag. Stan is sitting on a chair nearby.
Mabel Pines (Blows bag of Cheese Boodles into the air, bag slowly drifts down) I just ate a bag of Cheese Boodles without using my hands. Lazy Tuesday, you are delivering in a big way!
Stan Pines Heh. Yeah. It's nice to finally have a day where nothing interesting happens whatsoever.
Ford Pines (Comes out of the vending machine door with a Cycloptopus on his wrist)
Mabel and Dipper Pines (Scream)
Ford Get down! Don't let it taste human flesh! (Punches it and it drops off his hand crawls around the room)
Dipper What is it?!
Mabel Can we keep it?
Stan (hitting it with a rolled up newspaper) Kill it! Kill it!
Ford (Chases it into the corner) Patience... and (When the cycloptopus' eye turns into a screaming mouth) Gotcha! (Shocks it with his gloves and holds up its burnt body)
Stan Great. Now get it outta here. It smells like if death could barf.
Dipper (Runs over to Ford with Journal 2) Great uncle Ford! You need any help with that? I've read all about these creatures in your journal, and I think I know how to--
Ford No! I'm sorry, Dipper, but the dark weird road I travel, I'm afraid you cannot follow. Well, call me for dinner! (Closes the vending machine door behind him)
Dipper Maybe next time then? Or not? Or never.
Mabel Aww, Dipper, don't take it so hard.
Stan (Hits Dipper with newspaper) No, do take it hard. Take it hard and serious. My brother is a dangerous know-it-all, and the stuff he's messing with is even worse. Do yourself a favor and stay away from him, you hear me?
Dipper But, Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him.
Stan Don't worry about what's in the basement. You belong up here with me and Mabel.
Mabel Yeah! Besides, the season finale of Duck-tective is airing this Friday! That's all the mystery you'll need this week. Quack with us, Dipper! Quack, quack quack quack...
Stan Huha, yeah! Quack quack, quack quack...
Dipper (As Stan and Mabel say "quack," looks at light coming from behind the vending machine)
Mabel Quack quack quack, a quack quack quaaaacck. Quuaaaaa... (Pointing at Dipper) Why isn't he quacking?
Cut to theme song. Cut to Mabel writing in the living room.
Mabel (writing) Dear Mom and Dad, we've been in Gravity Falls for a few months and so much has happened! Just yesterday gravity reversed itself, almost destroying the universe and totally wrecking the whole town! (Looks up at TV, where Lazy Susan is standing in front of a crane attempting to pick up Greasy's Diner
Lazy Susan Well, they say it was an earthquake, but you know what I think? I think I'm gonna have to start serving pineapple right-side up cake! Haha! Am I right? Am I right?
Cut to Mayor Befufftlefumpter on a stage in front of the town.
Mayor Befufftlefumpter Let the rebuilding of the town begin! Wrecking ball, start wrecking things! Hahaha! (A wrecking ball destroys a radio tower)
Mabel But the coolest part of the summer was when Grunkle Stan's twin brother came out of this portal-thingy. Now we have two grunkles for the price of one! And they are adorable together! (Stops writing, takes the picture of Stan and Ford holding hands she has drawn on the letter and folds them together; high voice:) We love each other so much! (makes kissing noises)
Dipper (Runs in with a box) Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!
Mabel Dogs! Dogs with hats!
Dipper No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: (Holds it up) Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me?
Mabel Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play?
Dipper The rules are simple. (Opens game book) First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel.
Mabel And then we ride unicorns?
Dipper Yes!
Mabel (Gasps)
Dipper And no.
Mabel (Frowns)
Dipper First, we make a graph. (Holds up graph paper)
Mabel (Sighs) This is like Homework: The Game.
Dipper Come on, Mabel, I need at least two people to play.
Soos (Walks in)
Mabel Oh, wow, would you look at that: two people! (Backs out)
Dipper Huh. Hey, Soos, up for a little game of D&D&MoreD?
Soos Aw, sorry, Dipper, I don't go in for that pen and paper kind of stuff. I'm more of an FCLORPer.
Dipper A wha-?
Soos FCLORP: (Holds up wristband with "FCLORP" written on it) Foam and Cardboard Legitimate Outdoor Role Play. It is where a passionate brethren of craftsman, bring their dreams to magical reality. (Cut to him, Toby Determined, Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland in the yard with cardboard costumes on) Let yon priestess go, elf-mage!
Toby Never, Paladin Radmaster! (Throwing balls at Soos) Fireball! Fireball! Fireball!
Durland I'm a fortress!
Cut back to the present.
Dipper Well, thanks anyway, Soos.
Stan (Walks in) Say, is this that game that's mostly math and writing and isn't anything like the picture on the box?
Dipper Yes! It is! You wanna play with me, Grunkle Stan?
Stan Ha! Look, kid, I prefer to do my dice rolling in Vegas. Besides, only a game designed by nerds would have "charisma" as a fantasy power. Heh. Check this out: (Reading from book:) When facing yon adversaries, shield thyself, under an elfin buttress.
Mabel Haha, say it again!
Stan Buttress.
Stan and Mabel (Laugh)
Dipper Hey! (Takes the book from Stan) Laugh all you want. You guys just aren't smart enough to understand it.
Soos Heheh. Sorry, dude, but it is kinda nerdy. Well, I'm off to lay siege to a goblin fortress. (Puts on cardboard helmet and takes cardboard sword) To my grandma's backYARD! (Runs out)
Dipper (sighs, Cut to him in the backyard with Gompers with the game set up. He rolls the dice) Oh, nice! You rolled a seventeen!
Gompers (Bleats)
Dipper Aaannd this is sad. Maybe I should start obsessing over Wendy again.
Gompers (Takes the dice)
Dipper (Grabs it and tries to pull it out of Gompers' mouth) Hey, give it back! Come on, Gompers, let go! (Pulls it out and falls backward, dropping the die under the porch on front of a hole) Aw, man, my 38-sided die! (Crawls under the porch and the ground falls out from underneath him) Whoa, what AAAAAHHHH!!! (Lands on the floor of the basement; looks up to see the die next to the cycloptopus, picks it up)
Ford Dipper! Stop!
Dipper Great uncle Ford!
Ford What did I say about coming down here? My work is far too dangerous for a single living soul to spend even one second i- wait! Is that a 38-sided die from Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?!
Dipper Yeah! Y-you know that game?
Ford With pen and paper, shield and sword...
Dipper and Ford Our quest shall be our sweet reward! (Laugh)
Ford This is my favorite game in the whole multiverse! I can't believe they still make it!
Dipper They do! And I've been looking all day for someone to play it with me!
Ford My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and PLAY!
Cycloptopus (Grabs Ford's face)
Ford (Pulls it off; his face is covered in welts) That's... going to leave a mark.
Commercial break. Cut to Mabel and Stan in the kitchen.
Mabel Okay. We've got everything we need to watch the season finale of Duck-tective tomorrow. (Holds up a box full of food with a ramp) I even made mouth-ramps so we can pour food into our mouths without taking our eyes off the screen. (Pours some food into her mouth) Nom nom nom.
Stan (Stapling a turkey head to a beaver's body) And I recreated the main character out of some spare taxidermy parts. (Imitating Duck-tective:) Quack quack. I'm the duck detective! Who stole my breadloaf?
Mabel Hahaha! That is so messed up! Dipper would LOVE that!
Stan Heh. Yeah. Where is the little squirt anyway? I haven't seen him all afternoon.
Cut to the basement.
Ford (Moving the dice around his fingers) Alright. You've entered the chamber. Princess Unatainabelle beckons you. But WAIT! IT'S A TRAP!
Dipper (Gasps)
Ford An illusion cast by Probabilitor the Annoying.
Dipper You know his weakness, right?
Dipper and Ford Prime-statistical anomalies over 37 but not exceeding 51! (Roll the dice)
Dipper Yes! Uh! In your face, you cardboard wizard!
Ford (Holds up the picture of Probabilitor) Hm. The old boy looks a bit different than he did back in my day.
Dipper Mmm, yeah, they change the art every few years. Thankfully you missed the period when the creators of the game tried to make it "cooler."
Cut to an old commercial. Some teens spray paint over an advertisement for Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons.
Teen Man, this game is boring.
The wall explodes and Probabilitor, wearing colorful clothing, appears.
Probabilitor You dare challenge Probabilitizle!?
Voice over (Rapping:) I flip the cap back, and roll the dice. Don't step to the wizard cause the wizard don't...
The words "Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons" appears, then is crossed out and replaced by "Diggity Dungeons & All That."
Voice over Diggity Dungeons and All That! Updated for the nine double deuce! Available wherever dope games are sold!
Probabilitor Peace! (makes peace sign)
Cut back to the present.
Dipper (shivers) Must have been dark times, those 90's.
Ford Yeesh. Sounds like a good time to be stuck between dimensions.
Dipper Great uncle Ford, I've been meaning to ask you: where were you before you came out of that machine, and what have you been doing down here? Are you working on something behind that curtain?
Ford Dipper, it's best if you and the family stay away from that subject. Honestly, I'm not sure any of you could handle the real answer.
Dipper But, but I can handle it-
Ford Ah-ah! But I can show you something I brought back with me: (Dumps out the contents of his bag and opens a box) An infinity-sided die.
Dipper Woah... that's so cool. And... impossible!
Ford These things are outlawed in 9,000 dimensions. You wanna know why? Look at those symbols. Infinite sides means infinite outcomes. If I rolled it, anything could happen. Our faces could melt into jelly. The world could turn into an egg. Or you could just roll an eight. Who knows. That's why I have to keep it in this protective cheap plastic case. Now, back to the game! You've got Probabilitor on the ropes.
Cut to the attic at night. Mabel is trying to sleep while Dipper is writing on graph paper on the floor.
Dipper Hohoho man. And then, if I had a dragon here, and then a plus three fire mode-
Mabel Dipper, are you going to go to sleep? You've been saying dork words for hours.
Dipper Sorry, Mabel, I got to finish this dungeon. It's going to totally stump Great uncle Ford tomorrow, I can't wait to see the look on his face.
Mabel You're uh, spending a lot of time with old Fordsy lately, huh?
Dipper You have no idea. I knew the author must be cool, but he's better than I imagined. And, he doesn't make fun of me all the time, like you and Grunkle Stan do.
Mabel Give 'im time, haha! Heyooo! (Pause) Nah, you got me. (Lays down; to herself:) You got me.
Cut to Mabel and Grenda at the doorway the next day.
Mabel (Puts on a Duck-tective sweater, to Grenda:) Thanks for coming over to watch tonight's Duck-tective finale, Grenda!
Grenda Of course! I'm so invested in the lives of these characters!
Mabel (To Stan, who comes down the stairs wearing a suit:) Hey-hey, look at you! Someone's all dressed up.
Stan It's a big night. I think we all remember where we were, when we learned Duck-tective was shot.
An alarm goes off.
Mabel (Gasps) Viewing positions, everyone!
Grenda, Mabel and Stan (Run to the living room, but stop and gasp when they see that Dipper and Ford have laid their game all over it)
Grenda Ah! Graph paper! (Stomping on it) Kill it! Kill it!
Mabel Dipper, could you maybe move this to another room?
Ford No dice! We ran out of room in the basement and we're going for a world record! Now, dice! (rolls a 32) 32, yes! 7,000 points damage!
Dipper (Laughing) You got me!
Stan Oh, why, why with this? You wanna break a record, Ford? You already got it with world's nerdiest old man.
Ford Hey, at least I'm not all keyed up to watch a kid's show.
Stan I'll have you know that Duck-tective has a big mystery element! And a lot of humor that goes over kids' heads!
Grenda I don't get a lot of it, but I like animals in human situations.
Mabel Grunkle Stan, it starts in a few minutes!
Stan (Moves to take the paper off the TV)
Ford (Grabs his hand) Move that and pay the price!
Stan Oh, what, fifty magical dwarf dollars?
Ford Don't mock our fantastical monetary system!
Stan I'll mock all I want, it's my TV room!
Ford It's my house, you... (sighs) Listen, Stanley, did it ever occur to you to if you joined us you might actually have fun?
Stan What? Now you listen to me! (Takes Ford's bag) As long as I live I will never...
Dipper Grunkle Stan, wait!
Stan ever...
Ford Stanley!
Stan Play your smartypants nerd game! (throws the bag to the floor, and the infinity sided dice rolls out)
Ford No!
Four Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons characters appear.
Probabilitor Mortals of dimension 46'\, kneel before me and (rolls dice) snivel! I am Probabilitor! The greatest wizard in all of mathology! Give or take an error of 0.4.
Stan Eh, is this normal?
Dipper Have you come to send us on the quest of a lifetime because we're the smartest players you've ever met?
Probabilitor You are the smartest players I've ever met! That's why I'm going to eat your brains to gain your intelligence. It's what I do.
Ogre It's his thing.
Dipper What?!
Probabilitor Seize them!
Ford (Takes out a gun) Your math is no match for my gun, you idiot!
Probabilitor Math ray! (Shoots a hole through the wall) I'm not here to play games! (Grabs Ford and Dipper and flies out, followed by the other characters) Now to the forest, for the ultimate game!
Grenda So, the room's free now. Who wants to watch Duck-tective? (Squeaks Duck-tective toy) Nobody? More couch for Grenda!
Commercial break.
Mabel Oh no! That crazy wizard is going to eat our brothers' brains! We have to stop 'em!
Stan Eh, maybe let 'em get a couple bites in Ford's brain first. Even things out smartness-wise.
Mabel Grunkle Stan!
Stan Alright, alright. I guess if we have no other choice, we'll go on a... (Sighs) epic wizard quest.
Mabel and Grenda YAAAAYY!!
Stan Everyone grab a weapon.
Stan finds a bat in the couch cushion, Mabel takes a rake, and Grenda lifts up a chair.
Grenda Heh. Nice!
Mabel We're coming for you, Dipper! And Great uncle Ford! And possibly that hot elf, if he's got anything to do with this.
They run off into the forest. Cut to Probability with Dipper and Ford, who are tied to a tree.
Probabilitor Heheheh. (Measures the Pines' heads) With each brain I eat, I shall increase my enchantelligence.
Ford If my hands were free, I'd break every part of your face.
Probabilitor The time has come! Hot elf! Ready the brain-cooking pot!
Hot elf (Sighs) Yes, Probabilitor. (Shakes his hair and shoots a flaming arrow at the pot)
Cut to Grenda, Mabel, and Stan walking through the forest.
Stan (Slaps his back) We must be getting close. These fairy bites are getting more frequent.
Fairy (Crushed against Stan's suit) Hey, look, listen.
Ogre (Stomps in front of them) Halt! Yon interlopers are trespassing on the ancient forest of Probabilitor the wizard! If ye wish to pass, first, ye must complete seven unworldly quest, each, more difficult than the--
Grenda NOW! (Hits him on the head with the chair and he collapses)
Mabel (Pokes his foot with the rake) Is he... dead?
Stan He's magic, sweetie. I'm sure he's fine. (To Grenda:) There's no cops in the forest. We take this to our graves. (Exchanges winks with her)
Cut back to Probabilitor.
Probabilitor Heheheheh.
Dipper What do we do? What do we do?
Ford Stop thinking, Dipper! The more wrinkly your brain gets, the more he'll want to eat it!
Probabilitor And now, a little math problem: when I subtract your brain from your skulls (Hits Ford and Dipper with his staff), add salt, and divide your family, what's the remainder?
Mabel (From behind the bushes) YOUR BUTT!!
Probabilitor What? My butt isn't part of this particular equation.
Grenda, Mabel and Stan (Jump out of the bushes)
Probabilitor Drat! How did you make it past my one guard? Very well. There's only one way your family can save you. YOU must defeat ME in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons: REAL LIFE EDITION! (Creates a gameboard) Hahaha-hahaha!
Stan What? Oh, come on!
Probabilitor I choose my characters...(Two ogres appear in the game) vs... (Dipper and Ford appear as elf characters in his hand) yours...
Ford Ah! My ears! They're so pointy!
Dipper There better be something protective under this tunic. (Turns around and opens tunic) Oh, no, there isn't!
Stan Seriously, can't we just, like, arm wrestle or something?
Probabilitor Come on, this game is a lot of fun. I had my mom pack me a lunch. (Takes some apple slices out of a paper bag) Ew, apple slices? I'll eat you last.
Stan Uh, just make with the rules, ugly. (Chews gum)
Probabilitor The game is a battle royale. We help our characters by casting spells determined by rolls of the dice. If you win, I'll go back to my own dimension.
Mabel (Claps)
Probabilitor But if I win, I eat their brains.
Dipper Hey, I'm not sure this is such a good--
Stan DEAL!
Dipper Oh boy.
Probabilitor Let the game... BEGIN! (Rolls a 13) Attack! (The ogres try to hammer Dipper and Ford with their clubs)
Dipper (Running away) Ah! Whoa!
Ford Ah!
Stan What do we do? What are our moves?!
Dipper There are no moves; you make them up!
Stan What? Really?
Ford Yes! I tried to tell you: this game involves math, but also risk, and imagination!
Stan Risk?
Mabel Imagination? Grunkle Stan, make something up! It's just like lying!
Stan I cast, uh... shield of... shielding! (Rolls a 14 and a shield appears in front of Dipper and Ford) Ha! We're doing it!
Probabilitor Shield of Shielding Reversal Spell. (Rolls dice and the shield disappears)
Mabel I cast: Giggle Time Bouncy Boots! (Rolls dice and boots with springs appear on Dipper and Ford)
Dipper and Ford (Jump over the ogres)
Mabel Hot flamey sword! (A sword appears in Dipper's hands) Super hot flamey sword! (The sword gets longer)
Dipper (Jumps over an ogre and kills it with the sword)
Ford (Kills the other ogre with a sword)
Probabilitor No! Drat you! You'll never outrun my (Rolls dice) Ogre-nado! (An ogre-nado chases Dipper and Ford) It is what is sounds like! (The ogre-nado blows Dipper's and Ford's swords away)
Mabel I cast: CENTAURTAUR! YAH! (Rolls the dice and a horse with another horse body for a head appears)
Stan Mabel, I am so confused and so proud right now.
Dipper and Ford get on the centaurtaur and it runs away from the ogre-nado.
Mabel Go go go, Dipper go! You can do it!
Stan (Simultaneously:) Come on, you guys! Go! Go!
The centaurtaur runs into a smaller room and disappears. The ogre-nado tries to follow but falls apart.
Mabel Yeaahh!
Stan Yes!
Probabilitor (The Impossibeast picks up Dipper and Ford) Hahaha yes! I was saving the worst for last!
Dipper Oh no!
Ford The Impossibeast! Hey, I thought they banned this character!
Probabilitor Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition! (The Impossibeast slams Dipper and Ford against the wall)
Mabel (Shaking die) I'll think of some weapons!
Ford You don't understand. This is the most powerful monster in the game! He can only be defeated by rolling a perfect 38! But the odds of that are--
Stan (Takes the die from Mabel and shakes it) Hey, long odds are what you want when you're a world class gambler! Alright, Stan, you can do this... Papa needs a new pair of... TWINS! (throws the die and it lands on 38)
Probabilitor NOOO!
Stan Sorry, nerd-wizard. All your smarts are no match for dumb luck.
Mabel I cast DEATH MUFFINS! (Muffins with dynamite sticking out of them appear in Dipper and Ford's hands)
Dipper and Ford (Throws the death muffins into the Impossibeast's mouth)
Impossibeast Huh? (Explodes in muffins)
Stan Yes!
Mabel Yeeaah!
Dipper and Ford, holding muffins, appear next to them in their normal clothes.
Mabel (Hugs Dipper) Hahaha!
Hot elf (With Grenda hugging him, closes the rule book) The game is, like, over. Excelci-whatever.
Probabilitor (Disappearing with the game) No! I'm returning to my own realm! I'm turning into pure math! What are the ooooodddsss?? (Disappears)
Dipper Grunkle Stan, that was amazing! How did you know you'd win?
Stan Hey, a gambler never reveals his secrets. (Picks up the die, which has gum stuck to the bottom and starts chewing some new gum)
Mabel Man! That was fun for ages 8 to 80! Or a million or however old you guys are!
Stan (To Dipper:) Y'know, I'm sorry for making fun of your game, kiddo. Sure, it might be too nerdy for me, bust it's just the right amount of nerdy for you and my brother. If you two wanna hang out sometimes, I won't get in your way.
Dipper Actually, after all that, I could use a little mindless fun.
Grenda Guys! We can watch the second showing of Duck-tective! It's not too late! (Squeaks Duck-tective toy)
Cut to Dipper, Mabel, Grenda, Stan and Soos in the living room at night watching Duck-tective.
Duck-tective (On TV, on a hospital bed) Wah, wah-wah. Wah, wah-wah. (Subtitled:) I'm going to that big pond in the sky.
Constable I just don't understand who shot you. The only person clever enough to defeat Duck-tective is-- (Gasps) Duck-tective!
Duck-tective's brother (Throws a bedpan at Constable's head, knocking him out) Wa wa-wa-wa-wa... WA-WA-WA! (Subtitled:) Time to finish the job... TWIN BROTHER!
Duck-tective (TERRIFIED QUACK)
Mabel He had a twin brother all along? (Pouring chips on Stan) That's the big twist we've been waiting for!?
Grenda WHAT A RIP-OFF!
Soos I predicted that, like, a year ago.
Cut to the basement.
Ford (Locks the infinity-sided die away; to Dipper:) This'll be here if you ever need it.
Dipper Really? Even though I got us into the whole game-playing mess?
Ford Eh, we both got carried away. I guess we'd both gone for awhile without a friend. Dipper, can I tell you something?
Dipper (Nods)
Ford You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, (pulls curtain down to reveal the portal is gone) I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: (Holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it) an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand?
Dipper Oh-uh, of course.
Ford In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do.
Dipper Goodnight, Great uncle Ford.
Ford Goodnight, Dipper. (Puts the rift away)
Credits: Soos, Blubs, Durland and Toby Determined are role-play fighting in the yard.
Durland Guys, do you ever think that maybe we're doin' this 'cause our lives aren't special enough? That we use fantasy as an escape to avoid the self-improvement we all need? That maybe we should just go out and grow as people?
Blubs Fortresses can't speak, Durland.
Durland I'm a fortress!
Griffin (Grabs Toby and flies away)
Blubs Does anyone want to rescue him?
Durland Eh, I'm good.
Soos (Simultaneously:) I'm kinda- I'm kinda tired. Long day. Long day of FCLORPing.
Voice over Don't step to the wizard 'cause the wizard don't play nice- yeah!
End.

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