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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Little Gift Shop of Horrors." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Soos and the Real Girl" Next: "Society of the Blind Eye"
Open to shot of the Mystery Shack at night. A person (we see the scene through its point of view) walks up to the door. Stan answers it.
Stan Pines Well, hello there, traveler. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote, that NO ONE CAN HEAR YOUR SCREAMS!
Traveler (Backs away)
Stan Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned: if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales... TALES DESIGNED TO SELL MY MERCHANDISE!
Red bolded text appears, which reads "TALES DESIGNED TO SELL MY MERCHANDISE."
Stan (laughs maniacally) Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier.
Cut to the theme song.
Stan (Lights lantern) You've come to the Mystery Shack after hours. A time when the most cursed objects are for sale! Like that thing! There... (Gestures to lump of random body parts that are groaning) Nope? Not a fan? Too many orifices? Alright, I can tell what you're looking for is this (Pulls hand out of a chest) disembodied hand! Why is it so expensive? Well, that's quite a tale. And it's called HANDS OFF! No seriously, hands off (Takes a glowing reptilian eye from person) that's not for sale. Alright, HANDS OFF!! (Cut to "Hands Off" title screen. Cut to Stan with Dipper and Mabel at a Swap Meet)
Mabel Pines Swap meet, swap meet, swap meet! Look at all these priceless treasures! Bobbly heads! (Runs over to bobbly heads and flicks them) They agree with everything I say.
Dipper Pines (Putting on glasses) Professor glasses! They make me look like a genius! (Turns around and crashes into the glasses rack)
Stan (Looking at watches) Look at these faux-gold beauties! They're mob boss quality! (Sees Hand Witch and turns to Dipper and Mabel) Okay, kids. Prepare to watch the delicate art of the deal. Hey Hagface! How much for the junk watches?
Hand Witch They are not for sale! NOT FOR YOU, STAN PINES! THE WIND WHISPERS YOUR NAME!
Tyler Cutebiker (To chimes:) Shush, you guys!
Stan Alright, I get it, you're creepy. Anyway, less talky, more watchy. (Puts down money and takes a watch)
Hand Witch (Grabs his arm) GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WAAATCHH!!
Stan AAH! (Pulls away) YEESH! Freak show! (He and the twins walk away)
Mabel Wow. Someone needs to work on their social skills.
Stan And their observation skills. (Shows them his wrist, which has the watch on it) BOOM! Good job, heisting hands. (Kisses them)
Dipper Grunkle Stan, are you seriously shoplifting from a witch? That sounded like a curse.
Stan (Sarcastically:) That sounded like a curse! (Yelling:) Hey, anyone want to buy a wet blanket? We got a wet blanket for sale!
All except Dipper (Laugh)
Cut to Toby Determined at the wet blanket booth.
Toby Determined I can't survive in this market...
Cut to Mystery Shack. Stan is in the bathroom.
Stan Hah! Curse? Yeah, right. (Sees himself in the mirror) AAH! Wait, is this curse-ugly or just normal ugly? Heh. Looks like I got off scot-free. (Holds up arms, but he has no hands. Cut to kitchen. Stan is bringing the kids a pan, with oven mitts over his arms) Alright kiddos, breakfast time. Prepare your mouths for- (Drops pan and mitts slip off)
Mabel (Screams) NO HANDS! GRUNKLE STAN! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HANDS??
Stan So I might have got cursed a little. But the watch looks nice, right?
Hand Witch (Appearing in the watch) Foolish man! Thieving hands find wicked face! You must return what isn't yours...
Stan (Puts mitt back on with his mouth, muffling her speech) That's better.
Dipper I told you, Grunkle Stan. You gotta give that watch back and apologize.
Stan What? That old crone should apologize to me for denying my right to buy cheap junk. I don't need hands. I've got self-respect! (Tries to pick up coffee but drops it. He slaps the fork, which flings bacon at his face) Mabel, sweetie, will you make your uncle some hands?
Mabel (Putting plastic cups with forks taped to them on Stan's arms and singing:) Lalala...Hands makeover! (Puts glitter on them) Say hello to you new hands! In quotes.
Stan Nice work, kid! (Pats her on the head but pulls out some of her hair) See, hands are overrated. I'm ready to take on the day. (Waves as Lazy Susan walks by) Ma'am.
Lazy Susan (Screams)
Cut to Stan at bowling alley.
Stan (Tries to throw a ball but trips the woman behind him, who throws up a bowling ball, which crashes a TV)
Cut to Stan at a market.
Jimmy Hey, Mr. Pines. Should we play "Toss me a dozen eggs" like we always do?
Stan No, Jimmy, wait, not today!
Jimmy (Throws eggs)
Stan NOT TODAAAY! (Gets pelted by eggs; to Dipper and Mabel:) Let's find that witch.
Cut to the family at a cave.
Mabel According to the Swap Meet pamphlet, the Hand Witch lives in a horrible Hand Witch lair, on Hand Witch Mountain.
Stan Stop saying Hand Witch.
They enter the cave. A hand taps Mabel.
Mabel Grunkle Stan, did you just tap my shoulder?
Stan Kid, I can't tap anything.
Hands poke Dipper.
Dipper Guys, can you stop tapping both my shoulders?
Stan (Shines flashlight at cave roof, revealing that it is covered in hands.)
All (Scream)
Hands attack them.
Stan Hands! Lots of hands!
Dipper (Punches several hands before one grabs his face)
Hands are slapping Stan.
Mabel (Plays Rock Paper Scissors with two of the hands. They win and chase her)
Hand Witch (Laughs) Look at this... touching scene! Up top! (High fives a hand) You guys... you guys get me.
Stan Alright, you horrible wench. You got me. Stealing is wrong, et cetera. (Shakes watch off) Take it. Now can I have my hands back? I have a certain gesture I'd like to share with you.
Hand Witch Alas, your hands cannot be gotten so easily. The spirits say... ummm... that the curse can only be broken, by a kissss...
Dipper, Mabel, and Stan What?
Stan (Sighs and gets up) It's alright, kids. Just look away. (Kisses her hand)
Hand Witch A KISS ON THE LIIIIPPSS!!!
Stan What? Forget it! I'm not kissing any of that mess! I don't need my hands that bad!
Dipper Yeah, you're just making stuff up now.
Stan Let's go, kids. (Starts to leave)
Hand Witch NO, WAIT DON'T GO! Ehh- you're right, you're right. I-I-I was just making all of that stuff up. I-I was just trying to get something going, you know? It's so hard to meet people these days... (Snaps fingers and hands let kids go and braid Mabel's hair)
Dipper So this was all just a ploy to get a date?
Hand Witch I'M DESPERATE, OKAY? But every time I bring someone back here without keeping their hands hostage, they just run away.
Stan Well, yeah, look at this horror show! It's creepy even for a cave.
Mabel You just need to redecorate! For example: (Grabs a bunch of hands) A Handalabra!
Hand Witch OOOH! THE HAND WITCH LIKES.
Mabel Then watch me work. (Throws hands) HOME MAKEOVER!
Montage of "home makeover."
Mabel Redecorate! Brand new you! Shake it around! You gotta do it to make it work! (Montage ends. Everyone is standing outside.) Okay, time to take a look at your fantastic new cave.
Hand Witch (Hands come off her eyes)
Mabel Men will definitely tolerate you, now. And I left a book of pick up lines on the end table.
Hand Witch AAAAAGH! OH MY GOODNESS, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE SAME CAVE, OH MY GOODNESS. I just can't find the words...
Stan How about "Here's your hands back?"
Hand Witch Oh, right! (Hands come out of her hair and crawl around Stan before reattaching)
Stan Shakey! Scratchy! I've missed you, old rascals. You're all right, sister.
Hand Witch Will you be my boyfriend now?
Stan Nope. Never. (While walking away from the cave) Well. I learned nothing.
Hand Witch (sighs) Back to my crippling loneliness.
Man (Climbs up to Hand Witch's cave) Hey. I'm lost in these mountains. Can I crash here for the night?
Hand Witch Please. Come in. (Grabs Pick-up Lines book, clears throat and reads from it:) Girl, are those space pants? Because your butt looks out of this world!
Man Wow. Thanks for noticing.
Hand Witch Yes!
We are back in the Mystery Shack at night.
Stan Alright, I get it. You don't want the hand. (Throws the hand back)
The hand crawls around before leaving the room.
Stan You're a savvy customer. But perhaps you'd be interested in buying... (Searching his pockets, then sees Waddles and grabs him) This magic pig! Sure, he doesn't look magic, but there's a very interesting story I'm about to make up about him. And it's called: "ABACONINGS!"
Abaconings title card appears. Cut to Dipper in the attic.
Dipper (Looking at box) The "What-the-heck-ahedron. Solve this puzzle and your photo could get on this box." (Turns the box around to show a picture of a boy holding up the puzzle and getting kissed by a girl in a swimsuit) Woah. That's false advertising I can get behind. (Takes puzzle out of box and turns it around. It beeps. He turns it some more) Come on... (It beeps again) Ugh!
Mabel (Into tape recording:) Ooo! That's a BUMMER! This is May May and THE HOGG! Coming at you on the AM!
Waddles EEE!
Mabel Woah! Not sure we can say that on the air! Don't touch that dial, truckers! Cause the Hogg just ate it. (Presses sound effects board, making a honking sound three times and then a fart sound.)
Dipper Mabel, could you knock it off? I'm trying to solve this intelligence puzzle but it seems impossible. (It beeps)
Mabel Maybe you're just not smart enough.
Dipper ...We'll see about that. (Cut to him reading Journal 3:) "Buried near the falls is the legendary Percepshroom. To increase brainpower, grind it up and apply to forehead overnight" (Does as the instructions state; to What-the-heck-ahedron:) Tomorrow, I own you!
Waddles (Gets up and eats all of the Percepshroom, including that on Dipper's forehead. He looks at all of the books on the table)
The next morning
Dipper (Gets up) Ha-ha! I feel smarter already! The digits of pi are three point one... uh...
Waddles (Through machine:) Four, one, five, nine, two, six, et cetera.
Dipper What? Who said that? Mabel?
Mabel Huh! Dipper, look!
Waddles (Drives into the room on a board tied to a monster truck) Greetings, friends, it is I, Waddles, the pig.
Dipper What?!
Mabel Waddles! What happened to you? Have you been possessed by the spirit of a nerd!?
Waddles (Drives closer) I understand that my transformation may be vexing, but I have prepared a presentation- (Bumps into computer, knocking it over) Forgive me. My pig arms are cute and useless.
Dipper The brain goop! You ate it and built all this, didn't you?
Mabel (Runs up to Waddles with a children's animal sounds toy) THIS ISN'T RIGHT! THE PIG GOES OINK! THE PIG GOES OINK!!!
Waddles Now the pig goes wherever he can shine the light of knowledge into the darkness of ignorance.
Dipper (Sees the What-the-heck-ahedron that Waddles solved) Woah! What-the-heck-ahedron! How did you do that?
Waddles I can teach you, Dipper. I can teach you many things. From the secrets of astrophysics, to the- (Notices Gompers chewing on his pillow) Hey! HEY! (Squeals)
Dipper Man, I am loving this new Waddles.
Mabel Yeah! He's uh. He's definitely, uh, different.
Waddles (Shoots Styrofoam rockets at Gompers)
Dipper Dude, that rocket cart is amazing. You and me should go invent stuff!
Mabel Uh, Waddles! Don't you want to stay up here and record some morning pranks with me?
Dipper Mabel, this pig's got a gift. He needs to share it with the world!
Waddles I'm sorry, Mabel. There is more to life than making fart noises, and laughing at those fart noises. I see that now. (He and Dipper leave)
Mabel Right. Yeah. You guys. Just go on without me. (Presses fart button)
Cut to outside. Grenda's kite is stuck in a tree.
Grenda Oh, my kite got stuck in a tree. I HATE EVERYTHING! (Sees Waddles)
Dipper I bet we could be of service.
Grenda (Sees Waddles; screams) AN AFFRONT AGAINST NATURE!
Waddles Ha! Forget kites! Here. Take this rocket pack I invented and explore the heavens yourself.
Grenda Forget that! Grenda's gonna look at boys through skylights. (Flies away) I RULE THE SKIES.
Dipper Dude, that rocket pack we made is amazing.
Waddles Don't forget the laser gun I made for Candy.
Candy Chiu (offscreen) Death to my enemies!
Dipper and Waddles (Laughing)
Mabel (On tape recording:) Welcome to May May and the Hogg. Top story today: coping with crippling loneliness after losing my co-host. (Presses button, which plays a recording of an electric guitar riff and a man saying "Loneliness!". Holds up a picture of "Waddles' birthday, probably???") What did that nasty goop do to you? You're not happier like this, are you?
Dipper (Fastening a bolt on a big machine) This is your greatest invention yet! It could solve every problem of mankind!
Waddles And bring me potatoes. Delicious potatoes.
The machine puts a potato in his mouth.
Waddles (Eats it) Yummy yummy, for my fat little pig tummy.
Mabel (Coming in) What the heck is going on here?
Waddles Mabel, you are just in time to behold our greatest achievement. The "Smarticle Accelerator".
Dipper Solving that brain puzzle was just the tip of the iceberg, With this, Waddles will be able to solve all the greatest puzzles of the UNIVERSE.
Waddles (Drives into the machine) The origin of life. The meaning of existence. Why dudes have nipples. (He presses a button, making the machine glow)
Dipper Soon, your pig is gonna be famous! Meeting with scientists, presidents... I wonder if I could teach him to wear pants.
Mabel The whole world? But when will you have time for us? I'm your best friend.
Waddles (He makes a mechanical hand pet her) I'm still your friend, Mabel, but I'm helping people now.
Mabel But what about helping me? Do you really want to spend your whole life in meetings with dumb smart guys? This brain junk has made you forget who you are. Don't you remember... us?
Waddles (Flashes back on various memories of hanging out with Mabel) It all makes sense now. What good is helping the world if I can't help my favorite person in the world? It's a good thing I built in a dumb-dumb switch. (Pulls a lever from "FWD." to "REV")
Dipper Waddles, Waddles, don't! WAIT!
Waddles I'm sorry, Dipper. In my last eight seconds of consciousness I want you to know that science is a horizon to search for, not a prize to hold in your hand. Also, I miss getting my tummy tickled. (Squeals; jumps into Mabel's arms)
Mabel Oh, Waddles!
The Smarticle Accelerator falls down.
Dipper No! Our invention!
Mabel I know what'll make you feel better: a simple hug from a simple pig.
Dipper Yeah, guess so. (Takes Waddles)
Waddles (Licks him and throws up the What-the-Heck-ahedron)
Dipper Good pig. Uggh.
Cut back to Stan in the Mystery Shack.
Stan You know what, you're right. Don't buy the pig. In fact, I'm probably better off leaving him with my niece.
An arrow with a suction cup on the end sticks to his fez.
Stan No shooting in the house, sweetie! But perhaps I can interest you in something else. (Walks back over to the chest and pulls out a tape) Like these spooooky moooovies. Movies are great! You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you, next thing you know you gotta raise a kid. Your life falls apart. Forget that last part. This next tale is called "Clay Day"! (Clay Day title card appears. Cut to the Pines family and Soos in the living room. Mabel is watching TV)
Cinnamon (On TV:) You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart!
Shimmery Twinkleheart (On TV:) No, you did it, Cinnamon...
Mabel and Shimmery Twinkleheart ...because you believed in yourself.
Stan and Soos Uhhh...
Dipper Everything about this is bad.
Stan Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. (Holds up movie) It's time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day.
Mabel Ooo, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand, and words we can't repeat.
Stan (Puts the movie in)
The Voyages of Loinclothiclese begins.
Loinclothiclese (To cyclops:) You're no match for Loinclothiclese! I've come for the golden pants!
Cyclops (Turns to camera and roars)
Mabel (Screams; runs off)
Dipper Oh no. Mabel!
Stan Well. Your sister's broken.
Dipper Oh, Grunkle Stan, I should have told you before. Mabel has a childhood terror of old-timey stop-motion animation. It's like her number one fear since we were kids.
Stan Heh heh. Come on, those hogey old things? How scared could she be?
Cut to Mabel hiding in the laundry basket in the attic.
Mabel The cyclops! His face is made of nightmares!
Stan (Opens the closet door) Kid, it's just a movie, it can't hurt you!
Mabel No talking. They wait for you to talk and then crawl inside your mouth!
Dipper Why did you have to show her that tape?
Stan There's got to be a way to get her over this! (Looks at the back of the tape) Huh...
Cut to everyone at the gates of Harry Claymore's workplace. Mabel is still in the laundry basket.
Stan Alright. If we can just get the director to show her the models are fake, maybe she'll finally calm down.
Soos Ramirez I don't know, dude. According to the Internet, special effects genius Harry Claymore is some kind of recluse.
Stan The man wants his privacy. I can respect that. (Swings rope over gate) Well, everyone over the fence.
Everyone is in the yard, heading to the house.
Stan You see, Mabel, those monsters are just clay models moved around one frame at a time, by an antisocial shut-in.
Soos Those people are called animators.
Dipper Hello? Mr. Claymore?
Stan We wanna get a look at your figurines!
Soos We're not paparazzi! (Flashes camera phone several times)
Dipper Aha! (Picks up a mini gorilla figurine) See, Mabel? It's all just special effects. You can come out.
Mabel NO.
Stan Kid, listen to me. For the last time, there is nothing here to be afraid--
Clay cyclops walks up behind Stan
Cyclops (Roars)
Dipper, Stan, and Soos (Scream)
Stan (Drops the basket with Mabel in it and backs away, as cyclops swipes at them) It's slowly (Swipe) swiping at us! (Swipe)
Soos Let's escape by standing still! (Is picked up by cyclops) It didn't work!
The cyclops grabs Stan and skeletons pop out of the ground.
Dipper (Screams; runs off. He trips over Mabel's basket, which throws her out.)
Skeleton (Grabs Mabel's head)
Mabel Ahh! (runs and trips in front of the stairs. Gets back up and runs up the stairs)
Dipper (Being stuck in clay along with Stan and Soos) Ah! How is this happening? What do they want?
Harry Claymore I'm afraid they want you. (He is also tied up)
Stan Harry Claymore! Master of special effects! Circa-1970's-something.
Harry Claymore Alas, my effects are more special than you know.
Dipper What? But how are these things real? What about stop motion?
Harry What? You really believe someone moves these figures one frame at a time? I'm not a masochist! I use black magic to make them animate themselves. It was great at first, but one day...
Flashback
Cyclops (Looks at newspaper, which says that computer animation is better than stop motion) No! Where's the heart?
Harry Now that they were out of work, they went mad and enslaved me! And now they will turn you into unholy beasts clay to join in their mischeif!
Soos Huh, Mr. Pines. At least you finally get to work with your favorite director. And by work, I mean suffocate inside a big wad of clay!
More clay is stuffed on Soos. The three call out for help. Mabel sees the whole thing.
Mabel Oh, what do I do? How can I defeat those monstrosities? (Picks up a wad of clay with two holes in them. Mabel adds a line so it looks like a smiley face) Hey. I changed into something I like. Woah. I think I have an idea! (Runs down stairs.) Hey, One-Eyeclopses! Yeah, I'm talking to you, dumb-dumb! Come at me! WOOAAAAA!!! (Runs at it with her arms in front of her and jumps into its stomach, crawls up it, and emerges from its shoulders) Wipe that face off your face! (Smears it) Oh, I've got big plans for you. (Later) Hey, skeleton dorks! IT'S CLAYBACK TIME!!
The Cyclops is remade into Shimmery Twinkleheart.
Shimmery Twinkleheart (Walks up and falls down on a bunch of skeletons)
Soos Dude, you conquered your fear!
Shimmery Twinkleheart That's right. Because she believed in herself-
Mabel JAM, IT, TWINKLEHEART! Just start pounding those skeletons!
Shimmery Twinkleheart Hoo hoo hoo... (Attacking skeletons)
Mabel (Runs to everyone else)
Dipper Mabel, you did it! So you're not scared anymore?
Mabel (Taking the clay off of him) Oh, I'm scared twice as much now. But now I know it's rational! (Starts taking the clay off of Stan)
Stan Kid, I'm sorry I doubted you. (Punches through clay). You were right! Stop-motion is pure evil.
We see the stop-motion monsters fighting in shadow. Shimmery Twinkleheart punches several skeletons.
Soos And probably really expensive.
Harry Claymore Incredibly expensive.
Soos This is an impressive fight, though. I'm glad I'm facing towards it.
A scorpion with the head of medusa attacks Shimmery Twinkleheart and they melt into the mass of clay. Unicorns rain from the ceiling and fall into it.
All (Clapping) Yaaaaayyyyy!!
Harry Claymore That was the best part!
Cut back to the Mystery Shack. Stan, Dipper, and Mabel are watching "Loiclothiclese in the creature with an unreasonable amount of heads."
Dipper Well, I think today we learned that you can remold your fears.
Mabel I'm just glad that none of us got turned into clay.
Soos Holy Toledo! (He steps out of a wall of clay and looks like Gumby) Who wants to see me change into most anything? Do do do do do... (Becomes cylinder shaped, then normal shaped) I can walk through walls! (Runs out of shot and back into shot from opposite side) Woah, woa-
Stan (Throws the TV remote at him, cutting off his head) We're safe now kids. We're safe. (Cut back to Stan in the Mystery Shack at night) I don't get it. You don't want the pig, you don't want my tapes, WHAT ARE YA GONNA BUY?! How about this delicious potion? Here, have a free sample. (Gives person the potion)
Traveler (Drinks it, then stumbles around and collapses)
Stan You should have bought my merch when you had the chance, buddy. But that's okay. I'll have something new for sale very soon. (Painting the person with glue) Heh heh heh heh...
Cut to the Mystery Shack at day. The person is in a glass case that says "THE CHEAPSKATE" on the front.
Stan (Leading a tour group) And here we have our latest attraction: the legendary Cheapskate.
Girl I saw it blinking.
Stan Heh! Just an optical illusion.
Woman (Takes picture)
Stan (Leading group away) Come along, everyone. Step right up... AHAHAHA!
Traveler (Pounds on glass)
Stan (Returns) That's right, I'm a jerk!
Epilogue. Mabel is standing in front of the case and Dipper is reading on the Gift Shop counter.
Mabel (To person:) Hey! Wanna play tic-tac-toe? (Draws tic-tac-toe board on glass)
Traveler (Draws X in the top middle space)
Mabel Hey, I wanted to be Xs! Let me be Xs.
Dipper Trust me, just let her be Xs.
Traveler (Sighs and draws an O in the middle space)
Mabel Yaaay! (Draws X in middle right space) Actually, I'm sorry, I changed my mind; I want to be Os.
Tourist (Draws X in upper left space)
Mabel Okay, you're gooonna hate me right now, but could Xs be a possibility?
Traveler (Writing on glass:) HELP ME
Mabel I don't think you're playing this right.

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