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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Mabel's Guide to Dating." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "The Hide-Behind" Next: "Mabel's Guide to Stickers"
Short opens with Mabel wearing some sportswear.
Mabel And that concludes Mabel's Guide to Fitness. With Waddles, the Jog hog. (To Waddles) You want that sundae? You gotta jog for it, jog hog! (To the camera) Look at his little shorts.
Intro: A techno mixed version of Mabel's voice calling herself plays while a montage featuring Mabel is played.
Mabel Today: Mabel's Guide to Dating!
Cuts to Mabel with stuffed animals as guests sitting in front of a talkshow-like table.
Mabel As we all know, I'm a dating expert. In fact, I can't get the boys to leave me alone!
Static. Mabel's holding a cardboard cutout boy named Zack, pretending to be him.
Cardboard Cutout Mabel, I love you so much, baby. Why won't you let me in to your life?
Static. Cuts back to Mabel.
Mabel You know what you did, Zack! (Back to focusing at the show) Today we're gonna test the date-ability of three of Gravity Falls' swingin-est bachelors. Soos!
Soos (While looking at the wrong camera) Get ready to fall in love, America! Am I, am I looking at the right camera?
Mabel Dipper!
Dipper Who are you even making this for?
Mabel Grunkle Stan!
Stan I'm only here 'cause you promised bacon. (Mabel throws bacon and Stan eats it) I'm pacified!
Mabel And now for a simple 9000 question dating quiz.

Static. Cuts to Stan, Dipper and Soos are in the living room taking Mabel's dating quiz.

Stan "Should men always pay for dinner?" What is this, Russia?
Soos "How many kids would you like to have?" Seven, preferably. That's one to love every day of the week.
Dipper "How do you treat a gal?" Huh. Well, hovering nearby and laughing at everything she says obviously. (Writes on the paper) Nailing this.
Mabel While they're busy working, we give you, "Animal Dating!"
A montage of Mabel forcing two of several kinds of animals to date plays in the break. Then cuts to a sign written "Results!" Mabel stands in front of the contestants.
Mabel Grunkle Stan, on a scale from one to five, you scored a three.
Stan Yes! Yes!
The scene pauses and a "Datable" stamp is stamped on Stan.
Mabel This will limit your dating pool to widows, lady plumbers and convicts.
Stan I still consider this a victory.
Mabel (Walks to Dipper) Dipper. Your score is... (Looks at the paper) Eesh! You know, scores don't really matter. You just need to focus on being you.
The scene pauses and a "Questionable" stamp is stamped on Dipper.
Mabel Soos, on a scale from one to five you scored.. a twelve?
Soos My grandma was right all along. I am the world's most perfect man!

Soos gets spotlighted and three birds fly at him. The scene pauses and a "Total Hunk" stamp is stamped on Soos.

Title card: Final Thoughts.
Mabel Love is all around us. And if it seems like you two aren't the right fit, force it! (The two squirrels from the montage comes up to Mabel) Oh, no! The squirrels! They're back! Aaah! (The squirrels attack Mabel. Mabel picks up a stuffed rhino) Save me, Mr. Rhino! Save me! (clubs squirrels)
Static.

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