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Static.
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Dipper Pines
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Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, Anomaly #54: The Mailbox. (Points camera at mailbox) There it is, in the middle of the forest. No house. No address. Today, me and my team of expert...
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Soos Ramirez
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(Walks up to the mailbox) 'Sup?
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Dipper
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...are gonna put a letter in and see who picks it up.
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Soos
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My letter posits a salient question: "Sup Dawg?" (Puts letter in mailbox)
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Dipper
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Now we're gonna hide behind a bush, and wait for someone to come by.
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The mailbox shakes.
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Soos
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(Backs away) Whoa, dude!
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Dipper
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What the...?!
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The flag raises.
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Soos
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Did you see that?!
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Dipper
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(Runs over to the mailbox) Open it!
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Soos
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No, you open it, dude! I'm not touching a ghost mailbox!
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Dipper
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Okay, okay. Here goes. (Opens the mailbox and pulls out a letter) What?!
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Soos
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That's not our letter, dude!
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Dipper
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(Opens the letter) It says... (Gasps)
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Soos
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(Grabs the letter and holds it up to the camera) "Hello Dipper and Soos."
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Dipper
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It knows our names!
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Soos
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What if this thing's all-knowing?
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Dipper
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We gotta test it.
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Static.
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Soos
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(Holds up a letter) "What did I shave into my head this morning?" (Puts it in the mailbox)
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The flag raises
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Soos
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(Takes letter out) "A baby duck holding a paddleball" Dude! It knew! (Takes off his hat to reveal the duck shaved into his hair)
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Dipper
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What?!
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Soos
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Ask it more questions!
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Static.
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Dipper
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(Writing on paper) "When is the end of the world?" (Puts the paper in)
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Static.
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Dipper
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(Reading from letter) "3012." Huh. We got a while.
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Static
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Soos
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(Writing) "Who's my dream woman?" (Puts the letter in)
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Static.
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Soos
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(Holding up a picture of a muscular woman) Whoa! Hot tamales! Save that one for the archives! (Puts it in his pocket)
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Dipper
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Uh... What is the exact time and date of my death?
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Soos
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(Shouting in the background) Did aliens build the pyramids?!
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Dipper
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Or... what is the meaning of life?
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Soos
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(Shouting in the background) What are marshmallows made of?!
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Dipper
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Or... Who wrote Journal #3?!
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Soos
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Who wrote the journal! Who wrote the journal! (Points at Dipper)
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Dipper
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We're finally gonna get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!
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Mabel Pines
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(Comes up) Nifty! A mailbox! I've been wanting to mail Mom this video of me sticking 100 gummy worms up my nose! (Puts a package inside)
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Dipper
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No, wait!
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Soos
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Wait, dude!
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Mabel
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Slam! (Slams mailbox door)
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The flag raises.
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Dipper
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(Takes out letter) "Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass."
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The mailbox glows.
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Soos
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What's that?!
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Dipper and Mabel
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(Runs away) AAAHH!
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The mailbox collapses in on itself, then explodes in a flash of light. Static. Dipper, Mabel, and Soos are standing in the middle of a scorched clearing.
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Dipper
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Well, uh, that concludes Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, where we learned when dealing with the unknown, (angrily, to Mabel) do not mail videos of you shoving gummy worms up your nose!
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Mabel
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(Pulls out gummy worms) There's more where that came from! (Singing) Into my nose! Into my nose!
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Dipper
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No! No! Show over! Show over! (Covers up camera)
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Static. A part of the hidden page is shown.
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