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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Northwest Mansion Mystery." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "The Love God" Next: "Not What He Seems"
Episode opens with a shot of Northwest Manor in a thunder storm. Cut to manor interior, closeup of Priscilla Northwest reading a paper.
Priscilla Northwest Preston, I must say, the guest list for this year's party has so much diversity!
Preston

Northwest

Yes, a nice mix of millionaires and billionaires. (Swats servant with a newspaper) Put the oyster fork at an angle! We're not animals, man.
Priscilla Now where the devil is—? (Turns to doorway, sees Pacifica in a lake foam green dress) Pacifica! (Pacifica curtsies, she walks up to her) What did I tell you about that dress? The theme is sea foam green, not lake foam green! Go change!
Pacifica

Northwest

But, I- I kinda like it.
Preston Mind your mother, Pacifica.
Pacifica But-- (Preston rings a bell.) Yes, father.
The ground begins to shake, while at the table, plates and utensils clatter. The Northwests and their staff stare and gasp.
Preston Oh no! It's... happening.
Furniture and dinnerware fly at the unfortunate individuals present, while everyone either ducks or hides underneath tables.
Preston You are my possessions! (Swats a plate away) Obey me!
More things fly at Preston. He screams and ducks underneath the table.
Priscilla This is a disaster! The party's in just 24 hours!
Preston Surely there's someone who can handle this sort of nonsense! (Looks at a newspaper and cuts beneath the headline to a picture of Dipper Pines warding off a giant vampire bat from Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland.) And I think I know just the person...
Cut to (shortened) theme song.
Cut to exterior shot of the Mystery Shack back porch, then interior. Dipper is sitting in the living room watching T.V.
TV Voice You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of Ghost Harassers on the "Used to Be About History Channel!"
Dipper Pines Be strong, bladder. (Pats stomach.) We're not gonna move till sunset.
Toby Determined (On TV:) We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news!
Dipper Aww, what?
Mabel Pines (Jumps into armchair beside Dipper.) It's starting!
Candy Chiu (Jumps to Dipper's other side.) Turn it up!
Grenda Make room for Grenda! (Jumps in front of all three, breaking a lamp.)
Cut to Toby Determined outside Northwest Manor.
Toby Well tonight's the night, but I've been out here for days! (Zoom out to reveal tattered and filthy Toby.) The Northwest family's annual high-society-shindig-ball-soiree is here! And even though common folk aren't let in, that doesn't stop us from camping out for a peek at the fanciness!
Girls Oooooooooh!
Dipper Okay, can someone please explain why people care about this?
Grenda It's pretty much the best party of all time. Rich food, richer boys!
Mabel They say each gift basket has a live quail inside!
Candy (Paws at TV screen) Give me your life, Pacifica.
Dipper (Scoffs) Guys, in case you've already forgotten, Pacifica Northwest is the worst. (Knock at door; Dipper gets up to answer it.) And that's not just jealousy talking. I'd say that to her face. (Opens door, sees Pacifica.)
Pacifica I need your help.
Dipper You're the worst. (Slams door.)
Girls (Gasp)
Dipper See? (Knock at door; Dipper opens it reluctantly.)
Pacifica Look. You think it's easy for me to come here? I don't want to be seen in this hovel. But there's something haunting Northwest Manor. (Takes off sunglasses.) If you don't help me, the party could be ruined!
Dipper And why should I trust you? All you've ever done is try to humiliate me and Mabel.
Pacifica Just name your price, okay? I'll give you anything!
Mabel Hi, Pacifica! Excuse us! (Drags Dipper away by the arm.) Dipper! Don't you see what this means? If you help Pacifica, you could get us invites to the greatest party of all time!
Dipper What? Mabel, this is Pacifica we're talking about!
Mabel But it's Candy and Grenda's dream!
Candy & Grenda (Starry-eyed, miming rainbows.) Dreeeaaaaaaam.
Dipper Ugh. Fine! I'll bust your ghost. But, in exchange, I'll need three tickets to the party.
Pacifica Hrrn! You're just lucky I'm desperate.
Mabel, Candy, & Grenda Wooo! (Chanting:) Des-perate! Des-perate! Des-perate!
Mabel Grenda, get the glue gun. We're making dresses!
Cut to exterior shot of Northwest Manor. A limo drives through the crowds as a butler pulls a lever to open the main gates and let it through. Two servants open the doors to the house, letting in Dipper, Mabel, Pacifica, Candy, and Grenda.
Pacifica Welcome to Northwest Manor, dorks. Try not to touch anything.
Girls (Misc. exclamations of wonder)
Mabel Everything's so fancy! Fancy floors, fancy plants-- (Gasps.) fancy man! (Rubs butler's face.)
Butler Mm, yes. Very good miss.
Candy The rumors were true! (Holds up gift bag, live quail pops out, followed by three babies.)
Girls (Run off giggling.)
Preston Ah, if it isn't the man of the hour! Hopefully you can help us with our little... situation, before the guests arrive in an hour.
Dipper I'll do my best.
Preston Splendid! Pacifica, take our guest to the "problem room," and, uh... he's not wearing that, is he?
Camera zooms away revealing Dipper cleaning his teeth with his finger and with his shirt partially in his pants.
Pacifica I'm on it.
Cut to Dipper emerging from a dressing room in a tuxedo.
Dipper Ugh, it's like this collar is strangling me. Who do you guys think you're impressing with this stuff?
Pacifica Um, everyone. (Ties Dipper's bow tie.) You wouldn't understand. High standards are what make the Northwest family great.
Dipper Funny, I thought it was lying about founding the town. (Fiddles with a picture frame's tassel.)
Pacifica (Offscreen:) Don't touch that!
Cut to overhead view of main ballroom.
Grenda (Picks up large book,) Oh wow, guys, it's the guest list! (Opens book while Mabel and Candy approach.) Whoa, check out this hottie!
Candy Marius von Fundshauser! He's a baron from Austria!
Mabel Forget the quail, I'm putting him in my guest basket!
Grenda Hold up, ladies. I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think this boy is out of our league.
Candy Grenda is right. He's a white whale. Hunting him will destroy us.
Mabel There are tons of cute boys coming. Let's swear a sisters' truce not to waste time on Marius. (All place hands together.)
Candy Deal!
Grenda Deal!
Mabel Deal!
Girls (Laugh nervously.)
Cut to Dipper opening a creaky door.
Dipper Whoa.
Establishing shots of the room, with dead stuffed animal heads on the walls, paintings, a fireplace, and lots of dark wooden furniture. The whole room is lit by the fireplace and gives it a dark reddish light.
Pacifica This is the main room where it's been happening.
Dipper Yep, this looks like the kind of room that would be haunted, all right. I wouldn't worry about it, though. (holds up the journal) Ghosts fall on a ten-category scale. Floating plates sound like a Category 1.
Pacifica So what? Are you gonna bore him back into the afterlife by reading from this book?
Dipper Just gotta splash this sucker with some anointed water (Holds up small, round bottle of water), and he should be out of your probably-fake blonde hair.
Pacifica What was that about my hair?
Dipper (Takes out EMF detector) Shh! I'm picking something up.
Dipper walks further into the room, stopping before a tall painting of a lumberjack over the fireplace. The device loses its signal for a moment.
Dipper C'mon, stupid thing. (Taps device, and the signal returns) There we go.
Dipper looks back at the painting, and the lumberjack inside has disappeared.
Dipper Uh, Pacifica?
Pacifica Aah! (Screams as blood dripping from above, gasps, looks up)
Blood swells from the mouths of the stuffed animal heads on the walls. Dipper and Pacifica shout as the fire bursts out of the fireplace.
Animal Heads ANCIENT SINS. ANCIENT SINS. ANCIENT SINS. (Repetitive chanting)
Books, furniture, and antique weapons fly around Dipper and Pacifica, and the chandelier above crackles dangerously.
Pacifica Dipper, what is this?!
Dipper It's a Category 10.
The bottle of anointed water breaks, and Dipper and Pacifica scream.
Pacifica (Screams; grabs Dipper)
Animal Heads ANCIENT BLOOD AND BLACKENED SKIES. THE FOREST DARK SHALL ONCE MORE RISE.
Pacifica (Shakes Dipper by the collar) What do we do, what do we do?!
Dipper Don't worry. It can't get worse than this!
The fire flames up again, and Dipper and Pacifica hide under a table while a giant black skeleton emerges from the fire. A body forms around the skeleton of an enormous lumberjack with a beard made of fire and an ax in his head.
Ghost of Northwest Manor I smell... A NORTHWEST! (Ax materializes in his hand, begins dragging ax along the floor) Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Pacifica Hurry! Read through your dumb book already!
Dipper (Whispering:) I'm looking! And it's not dumb, okay? This book is gonna save our lives! Alright, here we go. Advice: (Holds portable black light over book, which reads "PRAY FOR MERCY!") Aww, seriously?!
The table floats out from over them, revealing them to the ghost. They scream.
Ghost YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE! (Slices at them with the ax, they dodge)
Pacifica This way! Hurry!
Dipper and Pacifica flee down the hall, pursued by the ghost. Cut to Preston opening the doors to the guests.
Preston Welcome, dukes and duchesses, sultans, and sportsmen.
Sportsman Yo, what up, Presto?
Preston And, reclusive 102-year-old mayor of Gravity Falls, Mayor Befufflefumpter.
Mayor (Gestures to vultures circling overhead) It's okay, they're with me.
Preston Tonight we will enjoy only the finest of tastes and only the snootiest of laughter.
Snooty Rich Guy (Laughs in a stereotypical French manner)
Preston That's the ticket!
Cut to Candy at the fondue fountains.
Candy (As she switches fondues) Cheese, chocolate, cheese, chocolate--
Mabel Candy, listen to me carefully. You're caught in a sweet-savory loop. Put the fondue fork down.
Candy I want to, but I can't.
Glass rings to gather everyone's attention.
Butler Introducing Baron Marius von Fundshauser.
Marius (Enters dramatically) Guten tag!
Mabel Guten take-me-now! (Makes a dash for Marius, is held back by Grenda and Candy)
Grenda Mabel, we had a truce!
Candy Yes yes, a truce! Uh, Grenda? Can you go fetch us some fancy napkins?
Grenda Wow, okay!
Candy Listen, Mabel, I don't know if I can follow this truce! He is too adorable!
Mabel Huh, me too, Candy. But what do we do? He's unattainable!
Candy What if we flirt with him as a team? With our cuteness combined, one of us might have a chance!
Mabel It is the perfect plan, but what about Grenda?
Candy I love Grenda, Mabel. But these boys are fancy! Her aggressive flirting style might scare them away!
Shot of Grenda pointing at a boy's jacket.
Grenda What's on your shirt? (Smacks boy's nose with finger) Haha, gullible! ...Loser!
Mabel & Candy (Nod grimly to each other)
Cut to Pacifica leading Dipper down a decorated hallway, pursued by the laughing ghost. Overhead shot of a courtyard.
Pacifica Hurry! Through the garden! Watch out for peacocks!
Dipper, head in journal, hits a peacock as they go. Dipper and Pacifica muddy their shoes on the garden path as they run.
Dipper Come on, come on-- (Flips through journal desperately) I got it! Haunted paintings can only be trapped in a silver mirror. (Points ahead of them) Look! There's a silver mirror right there!
Dipper and Pacifica run towards a pristine white room, where a large, rectangular mirror hangs on the rear wall. Pacifica grabs his arm, stopping him before he can enter.
Pacifica Wait! Don't go in there! This room has my parents' favorite carpet pattern! They'll lose it if we track mud in there!
Dipper What? Are you serious?! (Tries to force his way into the room, but Pacifica holds him back)
Pacifica We'll find another way!
Ghost (From a distance) Come out! (Laughs)
Dipper Pacifica, we don't have time for this! Let me through!
Pacifica No, my parents will kill me!
Dipper Why are you so afraid of your parents?!
Pacifica You wouldn't understand!
Pacifica tugs on Dipper's journal, tripping them both and causing them to fall through a painting of a skeleton in a crown and robe into a dark, dusty, cobwebbed room. The ghost flies past in the opposite direction.
Dipper Ahh... What is this place?
Pacifica That's weird. I don't even know where this room is.
Dipper Hopefully the ghost doesn't either.
Pacifica Yeah, maybe we're safe. (A sheet behind her seems to come alive, reaching out to swallow her)
Dipper Pacifica, watch out!
Pacifica Aaaaah!
Ghost YOUR FATE IS SEALED! (Pursues Pacifica, knocking over a box of silver dishes, utensils and other objects)
Dipper A silver mirror!
Pacifica (Runs, tripping over a loose floorboard) Ow!
Ghost PREPARE TO DIE, NORTHWEST! (Raises ax and charges Pacifica)
Dipper dashes in front of Pacifica, holding the silver mirror. Dipper and Pacifica are knocked out of a first floor window, become entangled in a window drape and fall down a short hill.
Pacifica Did you get him? (They look at the mirror, still held by Dipper)
Ghost (From inside the mirror:) NO! FREE ME! (Pounds on mirror's interior)
Dipper & Pacifica Haha! Yes!
Pacifica We did it! (Hugs Dipper. Eyes widen when she realizes what she's doing, and then she backs off awkwardly. She clears her throat and holds out a dollar, avoiding eye-contact with Dipper) Can I pay you to pretend that never happened?
Cut to Northwest Manor garden, where Preston and Priscilla Northwest are meeting Dipper, while Pacifica and a waiter stand nearby.
Preston Well, Pacifica, you really found the right man for the job. (Snaps fingers, butler shakes Dipper's hand)
Priscilla We can't thank you enough. (Pauses) That's enough. (Butler stops shaking Dipper's hand)
Dipper Hey, just holding up my end of the deal. (Turns to leave)
Pacifica Wait, leaving already? You're at the world's best party, dummy.
Dipper Heh, I'd love to stay, but I've got a Category 10 ghost to dispose of. (Walks into a garden pillar) Aah! Heh heh... Category 10. (Both laugh as Dipper leaves)
Cut to outer garden as Dipper walks away.
Dipper (To self:) Call me crazy, but, maybe she's not that bad after all.
Ghost (Laughs from mirror)
Dipper What are you laughing about, man? I defeated you.
Ghost You've been had, boy. You remind me of me a hundred and fifty years ago.
Dipper What do you mean?
Ghost (Flashback montage; Voiceover:) One hundred and fifty years ago this day, the Northwests asked us lumber-folk to build them a mansion atop the hill. We were told t'would be a service to the town, that once a year they would throw a grand party, and all would share in the bounty. It took years of backbreaking labor and sacrifice, but when it was time for the grand party they promised the common folk of the town, they refused to let us in.
Flashback Lumberjack (As he pounds on mansion gate) YOU PROMISED, NORTHWEST!
Ghost (Voiceover:) With the trees gone, the mudslides began. While they partied and laughed, I was swept away by the storm! (Offscreen, a swept-up ax embeds itself in the lumberjack's head) And so I said with final breath, "One-fifty years I'll return from death, and if the gate's still closed to town, wealthy blood will stain the ground!" A curse passed down until this day. (Shot of Northwest ancestor writing down curse and holding it in hand, then transitions to Preston, curse warning in hand, nodding to Pacifica)
Dipper So, wait a minute. The Northwests knew this haunting was coming, and they tricked me into helping them to avoid ghostly justice? ... I'll be right back.
Cut to manor interior.
Preston Thank you so much for coming, Mayor. As a sign of our respect, please take this chimp servant. Keep him away from bright lights, he gets... grabby.
Dipper (Offscreen) Northwests! (Mansion main door opens, revealing Dipper pointing at Preston accusingly) You've got some explaining to do!
Pacifica (Dashes in from another room) Dipper, you came back!
Dipper (Points at Pacifica) You lied to me! All of you did! All you had to do was let the townsfolk into the party and you could've broken the curse! But you made me do your dirty work instead!
Preston (Leans down threateningly; Dipper glares at him, unfazed) Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?
Dipper "My kind?" (Looks at Pacifica) I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain!
Pacifica I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but-- (Preston rings the bell. Blushing, Pacifica steps back)
Preston Enjoy the party! It's the last time you and your kind will ever come. (Dipper glares and marches away, chimp servant offers him a tray) No no! Those aren't for him.
Cut to mansion exterior, where Dipper is about to exorcise the ghost.
Dipper Stupid Northwests, making me do their exorcism for them. "Exodus demonus, spookus scarus, aintafraidus noghostus--"
Ghost (From mirror:) Dipper, Dipper! Please let me get my vengeance on the Northwests! You hate them as much as I.
Dipper Hey, I feel you. It's just, my sister's in there, and you seem a little unstable, man.
Ghost Very well, boy. Then... before you banish my soul, may these tired lumber eyes gaze upon the trees one final time?
Dipper Uh... I guess. (Holds mirror up to the forest) Go nuts, man.
The ghost cackles madly and the mirror becomes red-hot. Dipper drops it as it burns his hand, and it shatters on the ground, releasing the ghost back to the mansion.
Dipper Aah!
Ghost Yes! VENGEANCE!
Dipper Oh no! Mabel!
Cut to manor interior, main ballroom.
Mabel (To Marius:) Hi! I'm Mabel. So, Australia, huh? Do you guys eat kangaroo meat over there, or... are they... strictly pets?
Marius I am from Austria.
Mabel (Laughs nervously; taps Candy's shoulder) Tag! Tag!
Candy I am Candy! I love the tiny hats you wear on your shoulders.
Mabel Hi! If you were a boat, do you know what kind you'd be? A dream boat. That's what kind.
Candy (Elbows Mabel) You are tagged out!
Mabel I tagged back in!
Candy You can't do that!
Mabel I can tag myself! It's allowed!
Candy No, no! (Unintelligible arguing)
Marius nervously walks away as the two girls continue to argue.
Grenda AHEM! What exactly was all that? You were flirting with Marius without me!
Candy We are sorry, Grenda, it's just...
Mabel Your flirting style can come off as a bit... intense...
Grenda (Blushing) Oh, I see! You think I shouldn't be myself just because I'm in this stupid mansion! I thought you liked my style!
Candy We do! But these boys might not!
Grenda Oh, then I guess they wouldn't like this, either! Hey, Marius!
Marius Ja?
Grenda You've got something... on your shirt!
Marius looks down at his shirt, and Grenda smacks his nose. Marius shouts, Mabel and Candy gasp angrily. All three girls walk away in different directions. Marius glances after Grenda, starry-eyed.
Cut to Preston, ringing a glass.
Preston Thank you all for coming! I think we can all say this party was a rousing success.
Sportsman I guess you could say it was a slam dunk, Presto.
Preston (Unenthusiastic:) Yes, yes, I guess, sure. (Happily:) A toast! To our family name-- (Glasses shatter, sound of laughter) What?!
Ghost (Emerges from fireplace) GENERATIONS LOCKED AWAY, MY REVENGE SHALL HAVE ITS DAY! (Glowing beam extends from arm)
Mayor Ah, the grim reaper! I'd been wondering when you would arri-- Aaah! (Beam hits mayor, turns mayor and wheelchair to wood. He falls over)
Guests begin running and screaming in every direction. The ghost fires the beam at everyone he can see. Dead taxidermy animals come alive and advance on the guests.
Priscilla Northwest Preston, what are we going to do?
Preston Prepare the panic room. (Punches stuffed squirrel off of his shoulder)
The front doors fly open with a flash of lightning and thunder, revealing Dipper, soaking from the rain, agape in shock at what he sees. One of the guests reaches out towards him.
Terrified Guest Please, help me! (Freezes, wooden)
Dipper (Jumps back) Whoa, that is messed up!
Ghost (Laughs) JUST ONE WAY TO CHANGE YOUR FATES: A NORTHWEST MUST OPEN THE PARTY GATES!
Dipper A Northwest? ...Pacifica!
Cut to hallway with secret room.
Dipper (Running to Pacifica) Pacifica! There you are! The ghost is turning everyone to wood, and he just started rhyming, for some reason? (Tugs Pacifica's hand) I need your help! (Pacifica pulls her hand away) Pacifica?
Pacifica You wanna know why this room was locked up? This is what I found in here. A painted record of every horrible thing that my family's ever done. Lying, cheating, and then there's me. I lied to you just because I'm too scared to talk back to my stupid parents! (Takes off diamond earrings and throws them at a painting of Preston and Priscilla Northwest) You were right about me. I am just another link in the world's worst chain.
Dipper (Sighs) Pacifica, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. But just because you're your parents' daughter doesn't mean you have to be like them. It's not too late.
Ghost (Offscreen) IT'S TOO LATE!
Dipper Oh no! (They run into the main hall)
Ghost You are all wood!
Dipper & Pacifica (Scream)
Shot of Candy, Mabel, and Grenda as angry, arguing, wooden statues. Dipper looks determined and starts to run towards the ghost.
Pacifica Dipper, wait!
Dipper (Picks up a silver platter) Alright ghost, prepare to get-- (Energy beam knocks the journal out of Dipper's hand, and he drops the platter) ah! No, wait! (Ghost fires a burst that hits Dipper) No no no! No, someone help! SOMEONE HEEEELLLLP...! (Dipper freezes in a familiar form)
Pacifica gasps. A grandfather clock strikes midnight.
Ghost A FOREST OF DEATH, A LESSON LEARNED, AND NOW THE NORTHWEST MANOR WILL BURN! (Laughs as the manor sets fire)
Pacifica Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back!
Ghost YOU WISH TO PROVE YOURSELF? PULL THAT LEVER AND OPEN THE GRAND GATE TO THE TOWN! FULFILL YOUR ANCESTORS' PROMISE!
Preston (Coming out of an underground hatch with Priscilla Northwest and a butler) Pacifica Elise Northwest! Stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. (Whispers:) We'll eat the butler!
Pacifica looks at Dipper's wooden statue, and reaches for the lever.
Preston You dare to disobey us? (Rings bell; Pacifica nervously reaches for the lever as he continues to ring it.) Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken?!
Pacifica (Stomps foot, determined.) Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it! (Pulls the lever.)
Ghost (Gasps.)
Outside, the main gate swings open, admitting the citizens of Gravity Falls.
Tyler Git it! Git it!
Ghost YES, YES, IT'S HAPPENING! MY HEART, ONCE HARD AS OAK, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something.
The guests and manor itself fade back from the wooden forms.
Dipper (Inhales sharply)
Ghost Pacifica, you are not like the other Northwests. I feel... lumber justice. (Fades to nothing, the ax in his head falling to the floor and sinking into the ground)
There is a rumbling noise, and the doors of the manor burst open as the people of Gravity Falls enter the party.
Manly Dan Aw, yes! Yeah! (Jumps into cider fountain)
Preston Good lord, the riffraff! They're everywhere! (Tyler giggles, picking up a fork and placing it down again) That's not how the fork should be placed!
Mabel Oh, man, what happened?
Grenda Ahem!
Candy Grenda! We are so sorry.
Mabel We shouldn't have left you behind.
Grenda It's okay. Maybe I do need to work on my flirting. Come on, let's go dunk our heads in some cheese and chocolate. Friends?
Mabel & Candy Friends! (Group hug.)
Marius Wait! Don't go! Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you, I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident. I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you mein phone number?
Grenda I don't have a phone! Write it on my face!
Mabel Whoa-ho-ho! Go Grenda!
Candy I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid!
Mabel What? I call co-bridesmaid!
Dipper Man, if your family hates you for this, they're idiots. This is great.
Pacifica Enjoy it while it lasts. Next year I'm sure they're just gonna lock everyone out again.
Dipper Hey. Guess what we're standing on.
Pacifica gasps, seeing her parents' favorite white carpet pattern. Then she laughs, and she and Dipper have some fun knocking things onto the carpet.
Pacifica Haha. But seriously, I'd better go and find someone to clean this up. (Walks away.)
McGucket Woo! Scobbity-doo! Hornswaggle m' goat knees!
Dipper Whoa-ho-ho, what's up, McGucket? Hey-- (McGucket grabs Dipper by the shoulders and they dash around a corner to speak in private.)
McGucket Dipper! I've been lookin' for ya. I fixed the laptop. I been doin' calculations, and I think something terrible is comin'! The apocalypse! The End Times!
Dipper (Pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing.) You know what, McGucket? How about we talk about this stuff tomorrow? It's a party. Let's have some fun for once, huh? (Walks off, smiling)
McGucket But--!
McGucket plucks the laptop from his beard and opens it. The screen reads "IMMINENT THREAT" with what appears to be a countdown, showing less than twenty-four hours until whatever is coming.
McGucket Oh, this is bad! Something's coming! Something big!
The camera pans to just above McGucket, where a tapestry depicts a triangle eye which looks similar to Bill Cipher in the sky above a burning landscape and cowering figures. Below the worshippers are skulls and bones lying on the ground.
Cut to credits. In a coat closet within the manor.
Agent Powers (Disguised; in a fake accent:) Quick, in here, my darling! (Pulls disguised Agent Trigger into the room after him.)
Agent Trrigger (High pitched voice:) A moment alone at last!
Powers You can drop the act, Trigger. (Both remove disguises.) They're seeing activity on the machine. It's go time.
Trigger Roger that. (Salutes.)
Powers Where's my phone?
Trigger I don't have it.
Powers Yes you do, it was in your purse.
Trigger Oh, so I'm just supposed to hold on to everything for you?
Powers I asked you when we were in the car!
Trigger Why do we always have to fight at parties?!
Tambry (Opens door; pauses) Not even gonna ask. (Shuts door)
Cut to end card, a cryptogram showing a totem-looking wooden carving.
End episode.

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