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TV Shorts 1/Transcript

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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "TV Shorts 1." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Fixin' It with Soos: Cuckoo Clock" Next: "TV Shorts 2"
Opens with Mabel sitting in front of the TV.
Mabel Pines Ah, Gravity Falls Public Access TV. Sounds amazing! (Holds the remote and turns the TV on)
Channel 3 is on, which has a black background with a white question mark. Then, Stan appears with green screen errors around his body.
Stan Pines Hi. I'm Mr. Mystery. Do you like to be befuddled? (Tries to read bewildered) Bewe-bewels. Bell-welderd? Bawled... (fast forward) Bewildered? Then Behold!
Smoke appears behind Stan, the picture freezes. Cuts to a front view of the Mystery Shack. Stan appears with green screen errors around him.
Stan Mystery Shack! (the "S" from the word "Shack" from the big sign on the roof of the Mystery Shack falls down) Your one-stop shop for mysteriously cheap oddities!
The boom pole enters the scene and hits Stan's eye.
Stan Ahh! Ah!
Cuts to a black screen with four pictures appearing one after another. Pictures order: Deer with bat wings and a text saying "ASTOUNDING!", a pink lump in a jar filled with green liquid and a text saying "WHAT IS IT???", Stan shaves his back with a text saying "UNBELIEVABLE!" and last a picture of the Singin' Salmon with summer clothes with a text saying "TROPICAL!".
Stan Gaze in amazement at wonders so bizarre, they defy the very laws of nature! 
Cuts to Stan trying to steal a wallet from a tourist back pocket in the Mystery Shack.
Stan (Announcing) And in some cases, the very laws of police!
Stan notices the camera and hurries to cover it with his hand.
Stan Hey, hey! Get out of here!
Cuts to a two-headed wolf with a body of a bird.
Stan (Announcer) A two-headed—WHAAAT?
Cuts to an invisible man, which is really a pair of glasses and a hat connected to a string coming from the ceiling down.
Stan (Announcer) An invisible—WHOOO?
Cuts to Stan with wooden question marks falling from the ceiling down behind him.
Stan So many questions... (a few of the question marks hits Stan) Oh! Ouch! Come on!
Cuts to a half-eaten Popsicle with hair on it and a fly buzzing around it. A text of "SNACKS!" with an arrow is flashing on the screen.
Stan (Announcer) Plus, there's snacks to the kids! You can eat that... Try and stop "you"...
Cuts to a paused picture of the inside of the Mystery Shack. Stan enters with green screen errors around him.
Stan But don't take it from me,
Another Stan enters the scene.
Stan 2 Take it from ME! 
Stan (Surprised) What? Who are you?
Stan 2 (Pause) I'm the real Mr. Mystery!
Stan (Interrupting) The great deals at this place are making me see double!
Stan 2 (Interrupting, gets mixed up and mixes up the words "double" and "triple") Making me see trouple! Troup— (Get's mad at himself) Idiot! Idiot! Ah, just do it again!
Static. Cuts to Stan's office with Stan.
Stan So get yourself down to the Mystery Shack, where the real mystery is—(Close-up on Stan's Face, low, scary voice) If you'll make it out alive. Hahaha! I'm joking. Most... Most folks made it out alive. (Stan makes a thumbs-up, and points to the thumb)
Announcer (Talks fast) Mr. Mystery does not assume liability for disappointment, strange rashes or accidental plunges into the bottomless pit. Visitors may experience loss of vision, loss of balance, loss of children or loss of wallet. Please do not look Mr. Mystery directly in the eye. Not responsible of uncontrolled fits of rage or fits of pants. Remember to tip your waitress. In the event of no waitress, remember to tip your Mr. Mystery. In the even (sic) of no tip, you will be escorted from the premises. Kids' admission is $30 because they smell bad and that one keeps doing that weird thing with his legs. Side effects may include existential quandaries and sudden moral relativism. (Same text appears on the screen)
Stan (Close-up on Stan's face) Ha-Ha-Ha—
Static. Mabel changes the channel to channel 4. A text of "SOOS SAYS SOME WORDS" (which is the logo of the show) appears with a pink clouds background. Background music starts and Soos starts to sing.
Soos Ramirez (Singing) "Sometimes profound, sometimes absurd, it's "Soos (short stop) Says Some Words".
Cuts to Soos painting one of the Mystery Shack's walls in green. Soos turns around.
Soos If you accidentally eat the prize that comes inside your cereal, does that make you a specially marked box?
Background music sounds again for a short period of time with the logo of the show. Static. Mabel changes the channel to channel 6. Gravity Falls' prison is shown.
Bud Gleeful (As an announcer) From Gravity Falls' maximum security prison, it's... "Li'l Gideon's Big House!". (Same text is shown on the screen)

Cuts to Gideon with a prisoner orange suit.

Gideon Gleeful Hi, I'm Li'l Gideon. I may be currently incarcerated, (Cuts to a scene where Gideon claps and a few prisoners clap after him) But I'm turnin' my life around by turnin' around the lives of those around me around.
Cuts to scene where Gideon is holding a pillow with a page taped on it saying "MY ISSUES", a second prisoner is sitting next to him punching the pillow.
Gideon Open your heart to your feelings! (The prisoner knocks the pillow down, the picture is frozen and a 'CURED' text appears on the paused picture)
Cuts to a scene where one of the prisoners draws a burning skull on a paper and a "AGAIN..." text is in the bottom of the drawing. Gideon is modeling for the prisoner's drawing.
Gideon Let your dream light out! (the picture is paused and a text of "INSPIRED" appears)
Cuts to a muscled prisoner lifting weights with Gideon on his shoulder.
Gideon Oh, Killbone, you're getting so strong... (the picture is paused and a text of "RIPPED" appears)
Cuts to Gideon with his prisoner orange suit.
Gideon That's "Li'l Gideon's Big House", weekdays at six till I get out.
Ghost-Eyes You better listen to Li'l Gideon! (breaks the glass in front of him and Gideon)
Gideon Thank you Ghost-Eyes!
Ghost-Eyes I'd do anything for you, dog. (They both fist bump each other)
Red lights are turned on and a siren is played.
Gideon Oh, no! The Warden!
Ghost-Eyes Retreat!
Gideon jumps on Ghost-Eyes back and they both run away. Cuts to a picture of the TV with a bird in the middle and a text saying "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" and "PLEASE STAND BY" on the bottom of the TV screen.
Bud Gleeful (As an announcer) "Li'l Gideon's Big House" will return as soon as we contain this riot.
Mabel turns off the TV with her remote looking disappointed.
Mabel It's always worse than you remember.

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