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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "The Stanchurian Candidate." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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Scene opens from Stan's perspective in the Mystery Shack as he is waking up. It switches to a top view of him in bed.

Stan Pines

Alright Stan, another day, another random body pain. Here we go. (Puts on slippers that are soaked in milk) Ugh!
Finds a note on his desk that reads: "Dear Stan, I need something to carry milk in so I used your slippers. Love, Mabel." Stan shudders and walks into the kitchen and tries to turn on a light but the light bulb bursts. He groans and goes to find a new light bulb but finds that the box is empty except for a note that reads: "Dear Stan, I took these to build a planetarium suit for Soos! Sorry! Dipper." Stan grumbles and crumples the note.
Cut to Stan waiting in line in a grocery store at the checkout counter with light bulbs. Robbie, Lee, Tambry and Nate show up behind him.

Lee

Whoa, let's not take this line. There's an old person in it.

Robbie Valentino

Psh, yeah. He's probably gonna pay with like, pennies and, war bonds.

Stan

Hey! For your information, I was gonna shoplift most of this.

Cashier

Security!

Stan

(Security guards rush to Stan) Ha! Smoke bomb! (Stan throws smoke bombs on the floor that reads "Expire 11/1996"; nothing happens) Aw, seriously? (The security guards tackle Stan) Ahh!
Cut to Stan coming home bruised with the box of light bulbs.
Stan Ugh. Rough start to a day. (Walks towards the kitchen) But it's all gonna be worth it when I fix that light bul — (Stan walks in to see Ford screwing in a light bulb with Dipper, Mabel, and Soos)
Ford Pines And... we're... done!
Dipper, Mabel and Soos (Cheer)
Mabel Does anyone see this? This is what a hero looks like right here.
Stan I thought we were out of light bulbs.
Ford Oh we were, so I invented my own! It will last a thousand years and the light it emits makes your skin softer.
Dipper, Mabel and Soos (Rubbing their skin) Oooh!

Soos

Never have I known such softness!
Ford Anyway, where were you?
Stan (Drops new light bulbs in the trash; goes to the TV and picks up the remote) Well, TV at least you appreciate me. Give me the good news. (Turns on the TV)
Shandra Jimenez (On the TV:) This just in, the mayor is dead.
Stan What?!
Dipper (Walks in with Mabel) Whoa, what's going on?
Shandra (On TV:) Raised by bears in the wilderness, Mayor Eustace Huckabone Befufftlefumpter was best known for raising the water tower, possible starting World War I, and putting town menace Gideon Gleeful behind bars, in actual adult prison. A memorial statue is already being carved in the deceased mayor's honor. (Cries while her co-host comforts her) I'm sorry. It's just been so long since we've had real news. I'm just so happy! (Keeps crying)

Shandra's co-host

(On TV:) There will be a town hall meeting this afternoon to discuss replacing him.

Stan

New mayor huh? Wonder who it could be... (Sees his reflection in the TV)
Cut to the theme song.
Cut to all the citizens of Gravity Falls in the Town Hall.

Sheriff Blubs

Alright. Order! Order everyone! Calm down now! We're here to choose a mayor for the first time in almost a century. According to the town charter, (unrolls an old scroll as a bat flies out of it) a worthy candidate is defined as anyone who can cast a shadow, count to ten, and throw their hat into the provided ring. (Deputy Durland brings out a hoop and places it on the floor; Bud Gleeful immediately throws his hat in it)

Bud

Well now I do believe I fulfill all the requirements.
Dipper Wait, Bud Gleeful?
Mabel He looks good! Considering we threw his son in jail.
Stan (Sitting back) That was a good day.
Bud Now folks, I know our families had its fair shares of whoopsie daisies in the past, but I'd like to make up for it by formally announcing my candidacy for the mayor of Gravity Falls! Any questions?
Toby Determined Yes, are you still in contact with Lil' Gideon?
Bud That's a great question, I'm giving you 50% off a used car.
Toby Fifty percent?! FIFTY PERCENT?!!! (Rips his notepad in half)
Bud In fact, everyone look under your seats. (Pointing at people in the crowd) You get half off a used car! You get half off a used car!
Mabel (Pulls out a car discount coupon from under her chair) Wow, a colorful piece of paper? He's got my vote!
Dipper Guys, I've got a really bad feeling about Bud Gleeful as mayor.
Soos I dunno, dude, it's not like we have a lot of good mayor options. Everyone in this town is a tad strange. Except, ironically, Tad Strange.
Tad Hi guys, Tad's the name, and being normal's my game.
Mabel Loving you, Tad!
Tad (Holds up a slice of bread) And I love bread!
Dipper It's a shame Ford isn't here, he'd run. And win! And be a great mayor!
Bud So since everyone's happy I'll just take the oath of office now, sound good, gavel up? (Stan throws his fez in the hoop, and everyone gasps)
Stan Hold it right there Bud! I'm taking you on! (Everyone gasps)
Bud Stanford? No o-ffence but you're just some two-bit carnival barker. And your head is more ears than face!
Stan Oh yeah? Well your face is more fat... than... not fat! (Everyone gasps)
Tad Oh snap!
Stan Whaddya say folks? Are we just gonna let Bud win? How about a real election!
Tyler Cutebiker Get in there, cap! (Everyone throws their hats in)
Bud Well, looks like we've got some competition here folks. Which I'm fine with, totally fine with! (Pulls Stan towards him and talks quietly) I was gonna let bygones be bygones Stan, but you just made a powerful enemy. I'll win either way, and when I do, you might not like the Gravity Falls you wake up in! (Punches out the Mystery Shack on a map of Gravity Falls hanging on the wall)
Dipper and Mabel (Gasp)
Townspeople Election! Election! Election!
Blubs Let the madness begin! (Fires cannon)
Mabel Grunkle Stan, what are you doing?
Stan Running for mayor! Did I... did I not make that clear?
Mabel Grunkle Stan, it's not that we think you can't do it, it's just —
Dipper No no, it's okay, Mabel. (Turns to Stan) We don't think you can do it.
Stan Look, kids. The mayor kicking the bucket got me thinking. I'm an old man, and I'm not getting any younger. My dumb brother's research is probably gonna make him famous. And what do I have to show for my life? Do I really want "crooked grifter" on my tombstone? How about, "crooked mayor"!
Dipper Psst, Mabel, let's talk. (Turns to Mabel) I know Stan isn't the best candidate. Heck, he's committing voter fraud right now. (Camera turns to show Stan, stuffing in votes into his own ballot box) But Bud's definitely up to something, and we're the only ones who can stop him.
Mabel You're right, Dipper. Besides, Stan has a kind-of charisma. How hard could getting him elected be? (Dipper takes off his pine tree cap and they both reach for matching hats and put on "Vote Stan" campaign stickers)
Cut to the Mystery Shack, which now has a sign over "Mystery," reading "Mayorly Shack." There are several U.S. flags and "Vote Stan" signs all over. Waddles is with Wendy, who has written on Waddles' body "SWINES 4 PINES" on one side and "BUD'S A DUD" on the other.
Wendy Spread the word, pig! (Waddles runs off)
Dipper Alright everybody, eyes up here! (Opens a rolled paper with a lot of dust coming out) Okay, Gravity Falls Elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a freedom eagle who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him anointing him mayor. (Shows everybody the parchment, frowning; while rolling paper:) I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.
Phone rings in the "Phone Bank."
Mabel Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?
Stan I got my mouth, don't I?
Mabel (On the phone:) Okay you're on with the candidate.
Voiceover You're listening to Falls Radio: 24 hour news and bear rampage alerts, and now here's the T-man.
Toby Hello! Candidate Stan first question: How do you feel about the American flag?
Stan Meh, I can take it or leave it, too many stripes. Next question.
Cut to people at Skull Fracture listening to the radio broadcast and grunting with doubt.
Toby What would you do to help educate our kids?
Stan Ha, simple. Put them on an island and make them fight for dominance. (Cut to a family listening to the radio; woman covers her daughter's ears) Also teach kids swears. That'll bring them to the real world. (Cut to Mabel and Dipper, who look at each other worriedly)
Toby What would you do about the crime in Gravity Falls?
Stan Wait, do you mean crime in general, or just the specific crimes committed by m —
Dipper (The phone line is cut off when Dipper cuts it with scissors) Okay, interview's over. Candy, what's the damage?
Candy Your approval ratings started at zero. Now it's a number lower than zero. (Flips laptop around and shows Stan's negative approval ratings)
Wendy You're meme-ing fast, and none of them are good. (Shows her phone, which has a meme of Stan on it that says: One does not simply "teach kids swears")
Mabel Look Grunkle Stan, people are like smell markers, and you're black licorice! It's not that you're un-sniffable, you just need to learn when to keep the cap on.
Dipper From now on, maybe you should read our prepared remarks. (Holds up a folded piece of paper with "YOUR SPEECH" written on it with drawings by Mabel)
Stan Heh heh. Sorry kids. I always say words that come out of my brain. If my head says, that lady's got an ugly baby, my mouth says, "whoa, lady, you got one ugly baby."
(Dipper and Mabel look at each other worriedly; cut to basement, where Dipper is pacing around)
Dipper And he's insisting on speaking his mind!
Ford So this is an emergency.
Dipper The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure!
Ford Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to control someone else. Oh. Wait. Of course, yes. There is. (Shows Dipper a striped tie) A long time ago I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head.
Dipper (Peers inside the tie) Whoa! This is amazing! And ethically ambiguous!
Ford (Takes out another tie that is darker) As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.
Dipper (Holds up both ties) Thank you Great Uncle Ford! (Runs off)
Ford Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.
Cuts to the Mystery Shack, where Dipper and Mabel are testing out the ties.
Soos (Puts on the tie) Whoa, thanks for the slamming tie, dudes! These stripes are so slimming!
Mabel (Turns to Dipper) You really think this mind-controlling tie is gonna work?
Dipper (Takes out other tie) Flip the switch and test it out! (Mabel puts it on and flips the switch)
Mabel and Soos (Singing and dancing) Oh-oh-oh! I'm a dancing dude! I got some fancy moves and a bad attitude! (Mabel switches it off and Soos starts sweating and panting)
Mabel Ha! That's amazing!
Soos Guys! Something weird just happened. I'm really freaked out! (Mabel flips the switch on again)
Mabel and Soos I am Soos-Tron! Watch me eat this pine cone! (Mabel mimics eating a pine cone while Soos actually eats one, and Mabel then flips the switch off; Soos collapses onto his hands and knees, panting again)
Mabel Mind control is awesome!
Soos (Still panting) Oh my gosh! My life just flashed before my eyes! Aghh!
Cut to Tyler giving a stump speech. A sign hangs across two trees saying: "General Mayoral Stumpston Speeches")
Tyler Education, get it. Prosperity, get it. A Gravity Falls we can be proud of, get iiiiit! (Audience claps)
Stan (Looks at tie) Ugh. Do I really have to wear this thing? It looks like a flag threw up on me.
Mabel Grunkle Stan, just trust your lucky tie.
Blubs And now, Stanford Pines!
Mabel (Pushes Stan towards the stage) You're on, Grunkle Stan! (Slips on the mind control tie; turns to Dipper) Okay, we'll only jump in if he starts doing badly.
Stan (Enters through the curtains) Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?
Dipper Jump in! jump in!
Mabel (Turns on the switch)
Stan Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! (Snaps his fingers)
Woman (Nodding with approval) Yes!
Girl with Bow That is exactly what I needed to hear right now.
Stan Whew! (Wipes forehead) I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. (Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan)
Stan But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom!
America guy Good! He's saying all the right things! (Eyes fill with tears; grabs the people beside him)
Stan Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears. (Crowd cheers; Mabel takes control of Stan) Now, watch me break it down! (Break dances then falls to the ground; the control goes off and Stan walks off stage, scratching his head in confusion)
Mabel Grunkle Stan, that was amazing! (Hugs Stan)
Soos Yeah! How'd you do it, Mr. Pines?
Stan Eh, I don't know. I just opened my mouth and spoke from the heart, or... gut, or something. And what is that sound? Why are people jamming their hands together?
Mabel It's applause! Grunkle Stan, they love you!
Stan They... love... me? (Pushes the curtain away to see the crowd cheering)
Crowd (Chants) Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan! (America guy rips his shirt open, revealing a bald eagle tattoo)
Toby There he is! Mr. Pines, can we get a picture?
Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos (All pose) Yes we Stan!
Toby takes their picture as a montage shows the twins continue to mind control Stan. Newspapers shown that Stan eventually gets the town's support and takes the lead. Cut to Bud slamming the newspaper down in frustration.
Bud Gah! Darn it! Gosh hand huckleberry honey suckle darn it! Erm, excuse my language I'm so sorry. (Pulls out a pamphlet and starts to wipe himself with it) Oh, this is bad! This is real bad! I need to speak with my campaign manager, please excuse me for a moment. (Goes to another room then faces a screen and takes his hat off) Look, I'm sorry about all this. This is a minor setback, but... we'll win. I'm sure of it. (A camera then moves towards him)
Gideon Gleeful Minor setback? (Camera moves away to reveal Gideon on the screen) Minor setback!? You listen daddy and you'll listen good. Prison is a nightmare! (Gideon slams his fists down and Bud backs away from the screen) I eat the same slop everyday! They have no hair products in here! I can't sleep 'cause my cellmate took my pillow for a wife! You think I've been having fun in here?!
Ghost-Eyes (Comes up from the background with another prisoner) Hey best friend!
Prisoner Don't be late for friendship bracelet class!
Gideon I have finger painting at the same time! (Slams fist on desk and the prisoners leave) Whew! The mayor dying is my one ticket out of here. Which is why you're gonna win this election, pardon me out of prison and we're not gonna let the Pines, get in my way again! 
Bud But-but you don't understand. He's doing great in the polls! It's almost like magic!
Gideon Hmm, magic, you say? Well, maybe it's time to fight fire with fire! (Pulls out a page from Journal 2 out of his hair) I've been saving this for a long time! (Zooms in on the page that read "Possession Incantation") I've been waiting for the right moment.
Bud Boy, now, we've discussed this, no more spooky spells.
Gideon Well daddy, maybe you just need to have more... (whispers) of an open mind. Lleps live ykoops, lleps live ykoops, live ykoops...
As he chants, the lights start to swing his eyes begin to glow. The bulbs eventually flickered out and burst violently. He continues chanting the same words as Bud speaks.
Bud (backs away) Oh, boy. Stop that! (Falls back and grabs his head) Anything but that! (Bud's eyes begin to glow white and screams)
Cut to a banner that reads "Election Day!" Pans to people murmuring as Stan happily passes by wearing a different suit.
Blubs Lookin' good, mayor candidate!
Durland Hooey! It's the guy I'm gonna vote for!
Tad Lookin' A-OK there, Stanford! A-OK!
Stan Tad, that means so much coming from you! (Bursts out of the door into the Greasy DinerHey-o! 
Lazy Susan and others Stan! 
Stan Now just the ladies!
Ladies in the diner Stan!
Stan Now just the ladies my age!
Old lady Stan!
Stan Woof! Never mind. (Sits together with the twins, with annoyed looks on their faces)
Lazy Susan (Serves Stan a stack of pancakes with "Stan 4 Mayor" on it) On the house, mister big shot!
Stan (Picks up knife and fork) Now this I could get used to!
Mabel Grunkle Stan, what's with the outfit? You're missing your lucky tie.
Dipper Power tie, gotta wear it.
Stan Aw come on, have you seen the polls? I can debate naked and I can still win! Huh, come to think of it...
Mabel (Laughs nervously) Seriously though, we need you to wear that suit and tie, Grunkle Stan.
Dipper Suit and tie, gotta wear it.
Stan Ugh! What do you kids have to constantly tell me what to do? Everyone in this town is finally showing me respect! Maybe you kids should too.
Dipper Grunkle Stan, we'd respect you if you took things more seriously!
Stan (Slams fist on table) I am taking this seriously! If you haven't noticed, everything that has come out of this golden mouth has put us on top! With or without your dumb advice!
Dipper Dumb advice?!
Stan Yeah! Dumb advice.
Dipper (Slams fists on table then stands up) Dang it, Stan! Every one of those speeches we were controlling you! 
Mabel Dipper!
Stan What?
Dipper This tie is a mind control device invented by Ford! If it wasn't for this tie, you'd be losing! (Peels back the front layer of the tie to reveal the circuitry in it)
Stan (In disbelief, then shaking with anger) Well, you can tell that know-it-all Ford that he can keep his fancy light bulbs and magic ties! I'm gonna win this debate on my own, without any of you! (Stands up)
Dipper Stan, wait! You can't — (Stan slams the door shut) Augh, this is bad. If we wanna beat Bud, we need another candidate, fast!
Mabel What we need is a blank slate, someone totally suggestible! An empty piece of clay we can mold to our whims.
Soos (Comes out the restroom with a sweater stuck to his head) Hey, a little help dudes? I accidentally got my head stuck in my shirt sleeve. I guess this is my life now. (Dipper and Mabel smile at each other)
Cut to Mayor Befufftlefumpter's memorial then pans to the stage where the final debate takes place.
American Dude (Holds up a box of bird seeds) Seed here! Support your favorite candidate by throwing election seed! (A man puts the mayor picking eagle in the cage)
Shandra Welcome all to the final debate in what sure to be on a cosmic scale a forgettable blip in human history. (Candidates walk up to the stage waving) And here come the three most popular candidates!
Bud Oh, hello there Stanford! Long time, no see! Tee-hee! Woohoohoo! (Nudges Stan with his hip)
Stan Oh, don't you tee-hee me. I'll debate you into the ground. 
Bud (eyes glow a subtle blue) Oh, but I have a wittle twist up my sweevy-weeves.
Stan You're making me very uncomfortable right now.
Shandra But what's this? (Soos walks up the stage wearing the mind control tie) One new candidate has entered the ring!
Stan Wait a minute. What?! (pans to reveal the twins backstage, controlling Soos) Those backstabbing...
Shandra Let the debate begin! (rings the bell)
Manly Dan First question. What's your position on axes! Wait, I mean... (squints on the card) taxes!
Stan Easy! Taxes are the worst. I propose we stimulate the economy by waging wars on neighboring cities. We. Have. The cannons. (The crowd boos) What? Uh... (looks desperately on his queue cards)
Soos I don't know much about taxes, but I can promise you a kitten in every pot! (points accusingly to the right) That doesn't make sense, Mabel. (points accusingly to the right) You don't make sense, Dipper! (tie sparks up)
Bud Friends, friends. Can't you see what's happening on this stage? These politicians are dancing around the issues. Well... I can sing around the issue! (rips apart his clothes to reveal a blue tank top, red sparkly pants and a belt with a small screen on it, catches a guitar and starts to sing) Oh crime is bad! Crime is oh-so bad! Vote for Bud and there ain't gonna be no crime! Crime's bad. Vote Bud. (lays down and winks; Tyler claps)
Shandra You may now throw your bird seed! (crowd throws bird seed into Bud's box) And now a quick intermission. 
Dipper We're getting eaten alive back there! Since when is Bud been... creepily adorable? 
Mabel I don't know! It doesn't make sense!  He's almost acting just like... like...
Gideon Wittle ol' me. (Mabel and Dipper gasp as Bud walks towards them with Gideon appearing on the screen) Aha! Hello there, long time no see! Except in my revenge fantasies where I see you on an hourly basis.
Dipper Gideon! I knew you were somehow behind this! You've been controlling Bud!
Gideon And it seems you've been controlling Stanford! I figured it the both of y'all. You've got much eviller since I last saw you. Daddy! (snaps his fingers and Bud walks toward them)
Mabel Let go of us! 
Bud carries the twins to the elevator to the top of the mayor's memorial. Bud then proceeds to tie the twins up with the inside filled with fireworks.
Gideon Behold, your grand view of the debate! Once I win this election, I'll finally rule this backwoods town! 
Mabel You'll never get away with this, you creepy little dork!
Gideon Oh, I'd be happy to spare you Mabel. If you agree to be mine. I even made you this wedding dress in crafts class! (whispers) Don't ask what it's made of.
Mabel Eww, I'd rather die, you creep!
Gideon Fine! Have it your way. Once I win, they'll hit the plunger for the fireworks display, finishing the mountain's construction, trapping y'all inside. I've been trapped behind concrete all summer, now see how you like it! (the twins gasp) Say hello to the next mayor of Gravity Falls, kids! Muwahahahahahaha! (the twins struggle to get out)
Cuts back to the stage.
Stan And uh, that is why, um... the Statue of Liberty is our hottest landmark. (crowd boos and Stan's audience approval rating goes down) Alright alright, she's kind of mannish. What do you want from me?
The crowd continues to shower Bud's box with the bird seeds as his audience approval ratings goes up with Bud smiling smugly at Stan.
Stan Augh. (grabs a piece of paper and wipes his forehead with it) You're dying out there, Stan. (sees that the paper is actually Dipper and Mabel's speech for him and his approval goes to zero) You kids were right all along. I should have listened to you when I had the chance. 
Mabel Help! Help us! 
Stan What the-? (looks to the mountain)
Dipper We're tied to a bunch of fireworks! 
The twins try to jump out, but end up cracking the rock under them, hanging from the nose screaming with the rope fraying fast. Tyler screams and points to the twins hanging. Everyone looks up and gasps.
Stan (yelling) KIDS!
The rope begins to fray even more, almost completely snapped in two. The twins yell and stare in shock.
Stan (gasps, then turns to audience) Listen, everybody! This debate is over! I gotta go save my family!
Bud (turning to audience) Those, uh, those are just some...demolition dummies. Nothing to see here!
Stan (points at Bud) Can it, Gleeful!
Stan rips the sleeves off of his jacket and yells. He runs backstage and begins climbing up one of the towers near the memorial. The crowd gets up from their seats and moves to watch Stan. As this is happening, Shandra narrates the situation.
Shandra In a shocking turn of events, Stan Pines has run to the aid of two children who appear to be in danger!
The excited crowd begins throwing their bird seed at Stan himself.
Shandra And the crowd is loving it!
Stan (Still climbing tower and is adjacent to the twins. Is shrugging off birdseed) No, stop it! (turns to crowd) Thank you, but stop it! (eagles begin flying around Stan) Aah! Get back, you terror birds! (Stan punches them out and keeps climbing)
Stan gets to the top of the tower and leaps from it to the memorial's nose as the crowd points at him. As he regains his balance, the rope snaps in two. Before it falls, Stan catches it and begins pulling the twins up.
Dipper and Mabel Grunkle Stan!
Stan (pulling the rope) Kids! Look, I'm sorry I was being stubborn. I guess being the town's hero wasn't enough. I wanted to be yours too.
Mabel We're sorry, Grunkle Stan. We should've supported you, win or lose.
Dipper (rolls eyes) Probably lose.
Stan I can still drop you, you know.
Stan finishes pulling the kids up. They and Stan are safe inside the memorial. Stan hugs the kids while they laugh. Cut to outside the memorial, where the crowd cheers as Stan stands on top of the memorial's nose with the twins on either side of him. Stan's box is overflowing with birdseed, and his approval rating is through the roof. Bud stares in shock.
Bud (Sits down and bangs fists on floor) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not again! (Steps down and grabs a primed remote detonator on the ground, glancing at the memorial) Time to take care of you, once and for all!
Zoom in on the memorial, where Dipper, Mabel, and Stan are staring at Bud in shock.
Dipper Oh no! We have to get out of here!
Stan (solemn) Kids. If I die, make sure I get a bigger tombstone than Ford.
The kids nod. Stan grabs them and jumps off of the memorial as Bud pushes the handle, blowing up the memorial. The kids and Stan scream, landing in the huge pile of Stan's bird seed unharmed. Cut to the crowd screaming and running away as chunks of the memorial rain down. One hits Bud and knocks him on the ground. Cut to static and zoom out to Gideon's cell, as his TV is knocked offline.
Gideon No! (rips the Journal page in half) No! (grabs his TV, throws it offscreen, and yells while tearing his hair)
Cut to the debate stage. The timer has finished counting down, and the mayor picking eagle is set free. It caws, flies overhead, and settles down near Stan, kissing his head. Cut to the memorial, with half of it molten and destroyed. The view pans down to the stage, where Stan is helping the twins out of the bird seed pile. He brushes himself off.
Crowd (Cheering) Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines!
Fireworks begin to go off in the background.
Dipper Well, guess we know who won.
Cut to TV screen showing Stan's face.
Shandra (on TV:) This just in! Stanford Pines loses! (A red banner appears over Stan's face with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it)
Cut to Dipper, Mabel, and Stan in the Mystery Shack watching the TV.
Dipper, Mabel, and Stan WHAT?!
Shandra (Now visible on the TV:) Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him due to discovery of an extensive criminal record.
Stan Oh boy.
Mabel Stan, what did you do?
Stan What didn't I do?
Shandra (looks at papers) Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burglebezzlement", first-degree llamacide... (Her expression becomes increasingly confused the more she reads)
Stan (shakes fist) That llama knew too much.
Shandra (on TV:) Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.
The view on the TV cuts to Tyler on a podium. Durland and Blubs give him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers. He blushes as the crowd cheers.
Tyler (whispers) Got it.
Shandra (handed a gigantic stack of paper) We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes. (picks up the first sheet) First-degree thermometer theft. Pug trafficking.
As Shandra says this, some crimes are listed on the TV screen. The crimes read "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY." Stan shuts off the TV."
Stan Whew! At least they didn't list any of the bad ones. On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast.
Dipper Aw, I'm sorry, Stan. I actually think you as mayor would've been fun.
Stan Eh, maybe it's for the best. I got close to the dream, though, kids.
Mabel Hey, I knit you something. (kneels down and gives Stan a sash that reads "OUR HERO") It's not official, but I think it fits. (gives the sash to Stan, who then sniffles)
Dipper Grunkle Stan, are you crying?
Stan (wipes eyes) I got campaign confetti in my eyes! (stands up and puts on the sash) Come on, kids. Wanna go vandalize Mayor Tyler's mansion?
Mabel Yay!
Dipper He-hey, vandalism!
Stan walks offscreen, as the twins run to him.
Credits: Gideon is in prison, knitting with Ghost-Eyes.
Ghost-Eyes I'm sorry the election thing didn't work out for you, bro. But if it makes you feel any better, we're gonna throw a riot tonight! (sing-song) Does someone wanna throw a riot?
Gideon Thanks, Ghost-Eyes. I'm just not in the mood.
Cut to night. Gideon is in bed, wide awake. He sits up in his bed.
Gideon This poster is the only thing keeping me going. (looking at a poster that says "HANG ON TO THAT BRANCH OR DIE, CAT!")
Gideon gets up and rips the poster off of his wall. Underneath it is a chalk drawing of the Zodiac. The symbols aren't in their normal positions, and some of them are shaped differently. Bill is drawn in the middle, without his eye. Gideon then draws the eye using chalk.
Gideon I'm finally ready to make a deal. (A yellow glow envelops Gideon)
End

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