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Transcript This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Unaired pilot." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "N/A" Next: "Tourist Trapped"
The episode opens with a picture of a waterfall. Dipper starts to narrate.
Dipper Pines (Narrating:) Ah, summer break.
While Dipper talks, the picture shifts to another one depicting children building a sand castle, then one of a man grilling burgers at a barbecue, and then one of a man sleeping in a hammock.
Dipper A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy.
The camera moves away from the pictures, revealing that they are parts of the "Gravity Falls" billboard.
Dipper Unless you're me.
Mabel and Dipper Pines crash through the "Gravity Falls" billboard with the Mystery Cart and fall down, screaming. They are being chased by unknown monsters. The monsters roar. The image freezes with Dipper screaming.
Dipper My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You're probably wondering what we're doing, in a golf cart, being chased by a tidal wave of horror. Well, I—I'll tell ya.
The image turns into a viewfinder disc. It shifts to the next image, showing Dipper and Mabel at home.
Dipper It all began when our parents decided we could use some fresh air.
Their parents take their stuff away, give them bags and put some sunscreen on their noses. The image shifts to a map of Oregon. Zoom in to Gravity Falls.

Dipper

They sent us up north to Gravity Falls, Oregon, to stay with our great uncle Stan at his "museum of mystery."
The image shifts to Stan knocking in a "no refunds" sign in front of the Mystery Shack. Shifts to Dipper cleaning a jar containing a skeleton of siamese babies.

Dipper

Since then, something unbelievable happens... pretty much every day. Like that fishing trip.
The image shifts to Dipper, Mabel and Stan on a boat over the head of a giant lake monster. Dipper takes a photo, while Stan fishes and Mabel relaxes, both unknowingly. The image shifts to the shack's living room.

Dipper

Or the whole... telekinesis incident.
Mabel stares concentratedly at a spoon, while Stan and his couch start levitating. The image shifts to a landscape with a waterfall, the camera moves down to a forest and the viewfinder disc frame disappears.

Dipper

But this particular story happened just a few days ago.
Shows the Mystery Shack. Cut to Stan pulling a rope that rings a bell in the attic, where the siblings are reading magazines.
Stan Pines (Shouting offscreen:) Kids!
Dipper (Not narrating:) We're sleeping!
Stan (Ringing the bell and shouting offscreen:) Kids!
Mabel Pines We're dead!
The bell keeps ringing and the kids look at each other, annoyed. Cut to Stan downstairs scratching his back with his cane. Mabel and Dipper arrive.
Stan Ah, there they are, my favorite twins: Dylan and... Rowena!
Dipper Dipper.
Mabel Mabel.
Stan I'm getting closer though.
Dipper No, I don't know... I think it's... I think it's pretty much the opposite.
Mabel (Simultaneously whispering:) Yeah I don't know, I think it's getting worse.
Stan As you kids know, my Mystery Shack is home to the world's strangest roadside befuddlements. (Points at something)
Cut to an apelike figure wearing underwear, with a sign that reads "The Sascrotch."
Stan The Sascrotch!
Cut to a cat figure with a horn on its head.
Stan The uni-cat.
Cut to a tarantula with an antropomorphic mouth, the eyes and nose of a bat and an antropomorphic foot that sticks out of its body.
Stan The... eh... whatever that thing is. But now, behold! (Uncovers a model of the London Bridge made out of popsicles) A scale model of London Bridge, built entirely from freezy pops!
Mabel and Dipper clap dispiritedly.
Stan And just like the real London Bridge, it's indestructible. (Taps the model, causing it to fall apart) You kids want to eat two hundred freezy pops?
Dipper Yeah!
Mabel (Simultaneously:) Ye-he-es!
Cut to the three of them eating popsicles in the dining room.
Dipper (Pops a posicle stick out of his mouth) Okey, here's a good one. (Reading the stick:) "What is a ghost's favorite ice cream flavor?"
Mabel (Bangs the table and pops a popsicle out of her mouth) Boo-berry! It's obviously boo-berry.
Stan How's about corpse melon.
Mabel It's BOO-berry!
Dipper I'm thinking cookies and scream. (Looking at the stick) And the answer is... Wha... that's weird.
The camera shows the stick is blank.
Dipper (Intrigued:) That's blank.
Stan (Bangs the table) Blank stick, that's a bad omen! What! Something terrible will happen in (counting down with his fingers) three... two... one. You know, like a telephone will ring, or...
The door bell rings.
Mabel Ah! He's here! (Looks at the door)
Stan There we go.
Mabel rushes to the door.
Dipper (Holds Mabel) Hold it sis. Who's here?
Mabel Well, time to spill the beans. (Knocking over an actual can of beans) Proup. (To Dipper:) I've been seeing someone.
Dipper Whoa wait, wait. We've only been in town for a week, and you already have a boyfriend?
Mabel What can I say? I guess I'm just (growling:) IRRESISTIBLEEE.
The door bell rings again.
Mabel Ah! COMING!
Dipper (Narrating:) This didn't sound good. Mabel's romances always ended in disaster.
Flashback of Mabel on her bed staring at a ten dollar bill.
Dipper Like the time she fell for the guy on the ten dollar bill.
Mabel (Sighs)
Flashback of Mabel at "The Mattress Prince" store.
Dipper Or her crush on the Mattress Prince.
Mattress Prince Come on, come all! To my kingdom of savings!
Mabel (Comes out from a bunch of balloons. Whispering:) Take me with you.
Mattress Prince (Scared:) Aaaaaah!
Cut back to the dining room.
Dipper (To Stan:) Wonder who she dug up this time.
Mabel (Comes from behind the door frame) Hey guys! (Pulling someone) I want to introduce you to somebody.
Pulls a pale teen, apparently older than her, who has dark hair, wears a black hoodie and black rimmel, has branches stuck in his hair and a red spot on his cheek.
Norman (Clumsily waving his hand) Sup!
Dipper (Not narrating:) Hey.
Stan How is it hanging?
Mabel We met at the cementery. (Looking at Norman and fondling his arm:) He's really sensitive. Oh! Little muscle there! (Whispering:) That's... what a surprise.
Dipper (Suspicius, to Mabel's boyfriend:) So, what's your name?
Norman (Nervous:) Ahhh... Normal... MAN!
Mabel He means Norman.
Dipper Are you bleeding, Norman?
Norman (The red substance on his cheek drips) It's jam!
Mabel Ah... I love jam! (Hits Norman's chest with her hand; to Dipper and Stan:) Look at this!
Norman (Hesitant:) So, you wanna go hold hands, or... whatever?
Mabel Oh! Oh my godness! (Giggles; to Dipper and Stan:) Don't wait up!
Mabel leaves. Norman points at Dipper and Stan and then stumbles his way out. He breaks something.
Dipper Grunkle Stan, did Mabel's boyfriend look weird to you?
Stan Naah, teenagers all look like that.
Dipper (Meditative:) His skin was falling off.
Stan Ha! Ahh, it's nothing. Trust me, I've been in the mystery bussiness since you were in diapers.
Dipper Don't you wear diapers?
Stan Please, please. They're called Grampers. (Takes out a bag of adult diapers)
Dipper (Disgusted:) O-ho! Come on. (Runs away)
Stan A-ha-ha! Ahh. Yup.
Cut to Dipper laying on his bed.
Dipper (Narrating:) To take my mind off my sister's creepy boyfriend, I decided to enjoy some light reading. (Takes out and dusts a big old book called "Dr. Crackpot's book of the damned." Reading out loud:) "Known for their open wounds and poor motor skills, these creatures are often mistaken for... TEENAGERS!"
The camera shows a page of the book, with the title "undead creatures" and the picture of a zombie.
Dipper "Beware of the nefarious..." (He scares) Ah!
He imagines lightnings and the picture turning into Norman.
Norman Sup!
Dipper ZOMBIE! (Echoes)
Zooms out. Cut to Stan on his couch, eating another popsicle.
Stan (Hears Dipper's echoes; to a deer figure next to him:) You said something?
Cut to Dipper in the attic looking at Mabel and Norman through the window. They're sitting, Mabel puts her arm around his shoulders. She giggles.
Dipper (Narrating:) Was it possible? My sister dating the living dead? I had to be sure.
Fades to Dipper holding a video camera, secretly recording Mabel and Norman from some bushes. Mabel throws a frisbee at Norman, but he doesn't react, gets hit and falls face down to the ground. Cut to Mabel and Norman dancing at a dancing class in a bowling alley. Norman moves clumsily while growling in effort, stumbles and falls over a table. Cut to them feeding birds. A bunch of vultures attacks Norman. Dipper pops out from behind a "Retardant Racoon Sez" sign, holding a binocular.
Dipper (Narrating:) I'd seen enough.
Cut to the attic. Mabel changes Alexander Hamilton's framed picture for a photo of Norman. Dipper enters.
Dipper (Not narrating; concerned:) Mabel! We gotta talk. Norman is not what he seems. (Takes out "Dr. Crackpot's book of the damned"; dramatic organ music plays)
Mabel (Astonished:) Ah! (Whispering:) You think he might be a vampire? (Loudly:) That would be so awesome!
Dipper Guess again sister... Sha-bam! (Opens the book at the page about gnomes)
Mabel Aaah!
Dipper Oh wait, I'm sorry... (Turns to the undead creatures page) Sha-bam!
Mabel (Skeptical:) A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper.
Dipper (Concerned:) I'm not joking! It all adds up: the vultures, the limp... (Turns to Mabel) He never blinks! Have you noticed that?
Mabel Maybe he's blinking when you're blinking.
Dipper (Sarcastically:) Yee-eah. That makes a lot of sense.
Mabel (Getting closer) It makes more sense than your zombie theory. Why can't you just trust me?
Dipper (Scared:) BECAUSE IT'S GONNA EAT YOUR BRAIN!
Mabel Dipper! Listen to me. (Angrily:) Norman and I are going on a date at five o'clock, and I'm gonna be adorable... (Strikes Dipper's chest with her finger)
Dipper Ouch.
Mabel ...and he's gonna be dreamy... (Strikes Dipper again, pushing him out of the room)
Dipper Ouch. Wait!
...and I'm not gonna let you ruin it with one of your crazy CONSPIRACIES!
Dipper (Simultaneously:) Bu-bu-bu-but.
Mabel slams the door.
Dipper (Sighs) What am I gonna do?
Cut to a cuckoo clock marking a few minutes to one. It fades to the clock marking five o'clock and making an owl noise. Stan is eating popsicles on his couch.
Stan Meh...
The door bell rings.
Mabel (Running downstairs:) Coming! (Opens the door) Hey Norman! How do I look? (Shows off her glittering purple "meow wow!" sweater)
Norman Shiny!
Mabel Ah. (Delighted:) You always know what to say.
Mabel and Norman get out, holding hands.
Dipper (Sighs and looks at his video camera, watching a video of Norman and Mabel playing hopscotch, where Norman falls) Maybe I was seeing something that wasn't there. (Watching another video where one of Norman's hands falls to the ground and he picks it up) I guess I can be kinda paranoid, sometimes. Wait! WHAT? (Rewinds the last video and watches it again) Aaaah! (Falls from a chair. Shocked:) I WAS RIGHT! Oh my gosh, of my gosh. Grunkle Stan! (He trips and falls) Agh! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!
Cut to Grunkle Stan sitting on his couch.
Dipper Grunkle Stan! (Knocks over a small table with a lamp) I need to borrow your golf cart so I can save my sister from a ZOMBIE!
Stan (Hands the keys to Dipper) Try not to hit any pedestrians.
Cut to Dipper starting the golf cart. He backs off and knocks a statue.
Dipper Sorry!
Cut to Norman and Mabel in a park.
Norman Ehh... Mabel, now that we've got to know each other, there's... (blows) something I should tell you.
Mabel Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything! (Thinking:) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire.
Norman All right, just... (turns around) just don't freak out, okey, just... just keep an open mind, be cool! (Takes off his hoodie)
Norman turns out to be one gnome standing on top of another four gnomes, one controlling each limb.
Jeff (Moves his hair) Is this weird? Is this too weird? Do you need to sit down?
Mabel is in shock.
Jeff R-r-right, I-I'll explain. So... we're gnomes! ...first off, get that one out of the way.
Mabel (Shocked:) A—ahh...
Jeff I'm Jeff, and (pointing down) here we have Carson, Steve, Jason and... I'm sorry, I always forget your name.
Shmebulock Shmebulock.
Jeff Shmebulock! Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been LOOKING for a new queen. Right, guys?
Mabel sits down and face palms.
Carson, Steve, Jason and Smebulock Queeeen! Queeeen! Queeeen! Queen!
Jeff Ha, so what do you say? (Knocks Steve's head with his foot twice)
"Norman" kneels and offers Mabel a wedding ring.
Jeff Would you join us in holy matrignomy? Matri-matrimony! Blah! Can't talk today!
Mabel (Uncomfortable:) Phhhh... Look, I'm sorry guys. You're really sweet, but... I'm a girl, and you're gnomes, and it's like... whaaat? (Whispering:) Yikes.
Jeff We understand. We'll never forget you Mabel... because we're gonna kidnap you.
Mabel Ah?
The gnomes jump over Mabel.
Gnomes Arghh!
Mabel Aaaaah-ah-aah!
Dipper arrives in the golf cart.
Dipper I'm coming for ya! (Surpised:) Mabel?
Dipper finds Mabel tied up and being carried away by the gnomes.
Dipper WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
Mabel Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes!
Dipper Gnomes! Why not? (Slaps his own forehead)
The gnomes enter the forest and Dipper chases them with the cart.
Dipper (Through the cart's speaker:) Attention gnomes! Hand over my sister!
Gnome Naah! (Throws a pine cone at Dipper)
Dipper (Through the speakers:) Is that all you got?!
There is a bunch of gnomes on the trees at the sides of the road.
Gnomes Ayayayayayayayayayayayay!
Dipper Aaaaaah!
Some gnomes jump over the cart and start tearing its roof.
Gnome Arrgh! Nanana! Aaah!
Dipper Aaaah!
Dipper punches a gnome off the cart. Then he lifts Shmebulock and slams him against the wheel.
Shmebulock (Moaning:) Shmebulock! Ah! Aaah!
Some gnomes on the trees use bows to fire other gnomes as if they were arrows.
Gnomes Aaaah!
Dipper dodges these gnomes and reaches Mabel.
Dipper Mabel! You have to jump!
Mabel I'm tied up.
Dipper Use your braces!
Mabel cuts the rope with her braces as if they were a saw, walks over her kidnappers heads and jumps into the cart. Dipper takes a side road and gets away from the gnomes. He and Mabel high-five.
Dipper Ha!
A gnome falls over the cart's hood. He screeches and jumps onto Dipper's face, blocking his sight.
Dipper Aaah!
Mabel I'll save you Dipper! (Punches the gnome repeatedly)
Dipper Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Ah!
The gnome falls off Dipper's face.
Dipper (Dizzy) Thanks, Mabel.
Mabel Don't mention it. (Pointing ahead) Hey, what's that.
They fall off a cliff.
Mabel and Dipper (Falling) Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! (They hug)
The cart crashes through the "Gravity Falls" billboard and into the forest. Cut to the crashed cart. Dipper and Mabel are on the ground, safe.
Dipper and Mabel (Sighs of relief)
Mabel Well, I think we lost them. (She realizes they're surrounded by gnomes) O-oh.
Gnomes (Growls and squeals)
Mabel (Scared:) Ooh-o-oh!
Gnome King (Shouts offscreen:) ENOUGH!
Gets down a tree and closer to the twins, using his long white beard to move around, as if it was a limb. The gnomes kneel.
Gnome King (With a loud and high pitched voice:) My queen! The time has come to fulfill your destiny!
Dipper STEP BACK, MAN!
Mabel You're old!
Gnome King As it is written in the Prophecy of Shmiseldorf!
Mabel Go away!
Dipper I will fight you, dude!
Gnome King Prophecy of... (gets hit by a shoe thrown by Dipper) Ouch! Alright, fine. You want her back? There's only one way!
Gnomes (Giggles)
Gnome King You must answer... A RIDDLE!
Dipper (To Mabel:) A riddle? Like a question or...?
Mabel (To Dipper:) A mention... (Mumbles) Sure, it's probably this.
Dipper (To Mabel:) One of those, okey. (To the Gnome King:) FINE! RIDDLE ME!
Gnome King Whaaat... IS A GHOST'S FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR!
Gnomes (Giggles and joy squeals)
Gnome King Ah ha ha! Oh! Give up! Just give up and get outta here!
Mabel (Whispering to Dipper:) Boo-berry!
Dipper (Whispering to Mabel:) Cookies and scream!
Mabel (Whispering and begging:) Dipper, trust me just this once.
Dipper (Whispering:) You were wrong about Norman!
Mabel So were you!
Dipper (To the Gnome King:) Boo-berry?
Gnome King (Silence) IMPOSSIBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Gnomes Aaaah! Argh! Berp you!
All the gnomes turn into stone. Cut to the twins arriving to the shack in the golf cart. Dipper puts a gnome statue at the door steps.
Mabel (Sighs) I'm sorry for ignoring your advice. You really were just looking out for me.
Dipper Aww... don't be like that. You saved our butts back there!
Mabel I guess I'm just sad that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.
Dipper Look at the bright side! Maybe the next one will be a vampire.
Mabel Aww-o-o-oh! You're just saying that. (Punches Dipper in a friendly manner)
Dipper (With his arms wide open) Akward sibling hug?
Mabel (Opens her arms) Akward sibling hug. (They hug)
Dipper and Mabel Pat-pat! (They pat each other twice)
Cut to Stan eating popsicles. He bites a red popsicle.
Stan Aaah! Brain freeze!
The door bell rings. Stan hits the table with his knee. He's covered in red melted popsicles.
Stan Aah-oh-oh!
The twins are ringing the bell. The door opens and Grunkle Stan appears from the dark, growling and covered in a blood-like substance.
Stan Brain!
Dipper and Mabel Aaaah! ZOMBIE! (They start throwing stones at Stan)
Stan Ooh! Ah! Ah! Why! (He falls)
Cut to a full view of the Mystery Shack.
Dipper (Narrating:) All in all, it was the least weird day in summer.
The camera moves up to show the waterfall and a pterodactyl flying over the shack. End of the episode.

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