...I don't even know how I got the confidence to write this... but...here I go...
Some of you have noticed I've been in a pretty bad mood lately. I have gotten mad over things that honestly you can't control. In chat, I've yelled at people, started arguments, pretty much just being an overall jerk. And I can't express how sorry I am for that. I feel terrible about being that way to people I consider my friends, or anybody for that matter. I shouldn't take my anger out on you guys. It's just not right. I don't want to seem like I'm making excuses..But I guess I have reasons on why I've been behaving in such a way.
About a week ago I posted a blog about how I wouldn't be on for awhile. Well, that was true at the time. I was trying to help a family member get a job so he/she wouldn't have to leave our house. But after a few days, they showed me their true colors and had been extremely awful and treacherous to me. Told me to kill myself, to leave and never come back, that I'm ugly and worthless and have no reason to be on earth. I'm not trying to help them anymore. I love them to death but I can't bring myself to help them when they have hurt me so much and haven't appreciated anything I have done for them. I'm still very effected by these words and I still just feel awful. I mean, I don't have a very good self esteem to begin with. But he just...made it worse. I know that I'm the only one to control my self esteem but, I just...believe him. I believe what he says is true and I apologize for being that way.
I overall have a not so encouraging, loving family. I mean of course I love them and all, but sometimes we just destroy each other with hate. I try to stay positive an try to make things more peaceful, but I just result in getting ignored or punished for my beliefs. But I still love them. I'm just....dependant on them and I never want them to go or leave me. I don't want to leave them either.
I know this post is personal....But I just thought you guys, as my friends, should know and that I love you guys...alot. And yes, I just wanted to apologize for being rude towards you when I have alot going in my life right now, it's terrible of me to take my anger out on you and overall just be very sour and mean. I don't ever ever plan to be mean to you guys...I just sometimes can't control it. With nobody in my in real life to talk to....you're all I have.
It's really hard for me to be this personal with people, but...You guys have showed me that you really care and actually care about me. I just wanted to tell you guys what's been going on and why I'm the way I am.
There is a bunch I haven't told most of you an I think it's better that way. I just needed to be personal and tell you what's been going on lately. If there is anything I believe you need to know, I'll tell you.
But until then,
Thanks for reading! I <3 You
Ps. Anybody suffering through depression...it gets better :)
Love,
Desi